A different mindset today

Yesterday I reach a weird place with my mom but first let me give you an update as to where we are.

Today will be day 3 of no food and water. She seems to be in more pain but is quickly sated with
morphine. She is looking at us unable to talk but occasionally I can see she understands what we are saying and asking. My dad and I spent many hours yesterday holding her hand and sitting by her bedside. I found myself watching every breath for changes and analysing each minute detail of her face and hand. The pain of loss was slipping away and slowly replaced with gratitude that I'm here and can be with her. Of course when she finally passes I sure the pain will resurface and I will go through the loss all over again. But this morning I woke up with a sense of relief knowing we are doing everything we can to make her comfortable and when she decides to go, I will have no regrets and closure is in my heart.

Part of this I think is due to reading and researching what is happening. I have been waiting for the inevitable for so long I forgot to just look and understand the process of death. This is natural (not her means of dying) but the events that are taking placing...not eating, rapid breathing, her body shutting down like someone going through the house, turning off the lights one by one. Eventually she will be on the porch, ready to leave. She will turn  the last light off, close the door and walk away. I find solace that all the pain she used to drink and make herself sick will be gone. She will be at peace and able to let go of what destroyed her life. My family will be able to move forward and stop worrying about her. My Dad hopefully will find a new chapter and be able to visit me and see my home. There is as much good with her passing as bad. I guess that's the realization I had yesterday.

I want to thank all the people who took the time after their loved one passed to write down the events that took place. It's hard watching this process but knowing step by step where she is, makes me more comfortable. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know her not eating or drinking isn't my fault. I know she will pass and all the I's are dotted and T's crossed. I can leave here knowing I made the right choices. I can leave guilt free, well educated, and at peace with myself.

Where have I been?

There are many times in my life that events have transpired or occurred as a result of  making the right decision. Most people chalk it up to fate, divine intervention etc. Not sure where I stand on both of those but I have always felt most of my so called "luck" was a result of my over analysing everything and having plan A,B, and C on deck at all times.

I started this blog 10 months ago with the premise I needed to stop sliding down the slippery slope of Alcoholism. All my thoughts where about fixing myself and healing whatever I had inside me that caused me to drink. I feel I'm still challenging myself to figure out what it is I'm hanging on to that makes me self destructive. So without sounding cliche' and saying "all things happen for a reason", in this case I think it did.

I have just spent 5 weeks of my life coming to grips with the fact my mom has finally done it. She finally drank enough to kill herself. Sept 24th I received a call from my Dad. My heart always races when my Dad calls me, he never calls unless it's something bad with my mom. He told me that he just admitted my mom to the hospital. She had 3 blood vessels rupture in her esophagus and she was bleeding out. She was in a coma like state due to the lose of blood and ammonia levels. Since that call I have been by herside for most of the 5 weeks.

10 years ago she had seizures due to drinking. She recovered but was left with damage to her brain from the high levels of ammonia that had built up. She went to recovery for 28days and then home. She did well for a few months then I could tell the drinking had started again. It broke my heart back then and I cycled through what was all stages of loss. I knew there was going to be the day that I would get a call again. Living so far away there wasn't much I could do. Now knowing the mind of an addict, I could have lived next door and it wouldn't have made a difference. You always process guilt, thinking I could have done more but honestly I know that's not true.

So processing all the stages of loss again in my mind, Anger seems to be the one that surfaces the most. I am truly at acceptance and I have been for a long time knowing she wasn't going to stop and the end would happen sooner or later. But the anger that is still lingering is difficult to deal with. I stare at her for longs periods of time while she sleeps restlessly in bed, wanting to shake her and yell "is this what you wanted" "was drinking worth it?"The only answer is my own thoughts of "no, it's not"....."life is worth it, my kids and my husband are worth it".

Divine intervention, fate, luck...whatever happened to make me sober this year I'm thankful. I don't know if I would have had an A-Ha moment through this or if this would have been my crutch to continue drinking. All I know for certain is being sober I'm able to look with eyes wide open and know this is not what I want for me.

Begining to Marathon

So I'm kinda done talking about drinking for a while. I just sick of thinking about it and mulling it over in my mind. You would think after 9 months I would be past all the poor me stages and moved on to how INCREDIBLY GREAT I feel. Which I love, but I would also love to....occasionally.....sit and have a glass of wine and enjoy the end of the day as well, which I miss most of all. So we are going to move on to my next focus

So lets flash back to the beginning of the year.........

January 1st I set some goals one being loosing weight. I was hoping to drop down to 165 by March. Well that didn't happen. While I'm still really close.....only 4 pounds to go on a bad day and 3 pounds on a good day. It has proved to be harder than I thought. My metabolism was wrecked due to drinking. Cross training and diet have proven to be very effective in the last few months. I am inches away from a 10. I can fit into a 10 just not quite comfortable yet. With this last bit of weight and cross training my legs are feeling strong.

My other goal was to complete the Walt Disney World Goofy Challenge. I was really hoping to be healed and my mileage a lot higher (an easy 13 miles under my belt). Well, I'm starting off behind the eight ball with only an 8 mile base and my heel is only "sore" on a good day. But this is my goal and I'm not finishing the year until I'm holding at least 2 medals in my hand from the Half Marathon and the Full Marathon. In order to hold the all three I have to finish the Marathon in 5 hours. Which if I was totally healed, this conversation would not even be note worthy. However.......we will need to see if the stars will align for me or at what breaking point will I reach in Pain tolerance. I made it through two labors and delivery so I'm thinking how bad can this be.

This is the final stage of my first year of sobriety. 16 weeks, 517 training miles, 32 hours of strength training will hopefully get me these 3 Medals...........
 

                    

Haven't written in a while but I'm still here.

I can't remember the last post. It's not that I don't need to post or don't think about drinking. It's unfortunately in my thoughts everyday. I think I'm hitting that next phase of "is this really for the rest of life?" I continue to questions why me? Why do I have to be different. There are so many things that come easy for me or with work I can achieve, so why does this obstacle hang in front of me like a giant swinging pendant ready to knock off my narrow bridge.

Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the smells and the feeling of cold coming. Warmth, comfort and the colors of Fall surround me. While I was shopping the other day, I walked past a new beer from Bridgeport Brewing. It was called Wicked a seasonal beer laced with spice. I felt a jump of excitement and out of habit I reached for it suddenly realizing I couldn't take it home. The utter disappointment at the moment was disheartening. Some one could have slapped me and it would have had less impact then that feeling of disappointment.

Try, want, just a little, one glass, why me, is on an endless play list in my head. The summer wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but this fall is going to prove a little more challenging.

8 months, 11 days

In spite being hurt and I was able to finish all 3 of my legs for Ragnar Relay. I love Hood to Coast and it will always be near and dear but this Relay was so amazing. The weather, the scenery, and the team were incredible. As one day blends with the next, exhaustion starts to take it's toll. You become silly and a different sort of energy comes to the table. It's hard to see but we are all wearing Goatee's made of fur from a hat we found in a small fishing town in the Puget Sound. The goatee's were inspired by Jay who by the end of the relay we referred to as Jayhab. He is an Alaskan Fisherman and he was gracious enough to donate his beautiful home so the 12 of us could eat and sleep (?) through the relay.

My running partner and I had a great time. It takes a special someone to be with for 30 hours with little sleep pushing your body to the ultimate end and still be happy. Runners are truly crazy and I love to be around them.

The only sad part of the whole trip was not drinking. We finished the relay came back to the house and everyone was helping with dinner, drinking wine and relaxing. I was the only one not participating. No one said anything or asked but it was probably the most awkward I have felt in a while. Nobody would have said anything to me or would have known it wasn't right for me to have a glass. The pressure of wanting to relax with a glass in hand, the taste of wine swirling around in my mouth and knowing it would have been the perfect end to a very hard long 30 hours, was almost to much to handle. This is the comfort of being around people who know  what I'm are going through. I would have never even considered it had I been around the people who are supporting me through this first year.

Alas, I stayed strong. The thought of having one only leads to the thoughts of having another. I was in awe the whole time watching people during the weekend drink. Everyone kept making comments about only having one beer or one glass. The fact that I was fixated on this still tells me I don't have normal thoughts around alcohol. I could never just have one that's just silly.

Looking forward to Hood to Coast. It's going to be another challenge. This has always been a huge drink fest for me. But like everything this year I'm learning to do the things I love without alcohol.

Practice makes perfect........proud to say 207 days sober

Rewards for the non-drinker

The hardest piece to overcome not drinking is my use of time. I find myself walking around the house or yard looking for things to do. My list of projects is long and I have plenty to do, but I find myself unable to get started. I would use drinking as a way to motivate myself. I wouldn't allow myself to sit or have a glass of wine until I completed the project for the day. I was rewarding myself with Alcohol. Completed housework= glass of wine, total win win. So I find myself without the reward or incentive. I can see what I need to do, but I feel overwhelmed and unable to see the beginning and work towards an end. Maybe because with house work there is no end. Cleaning the house while kids are home is like trying to swim up stream tethered to a rock. Rewarding myself with Wine was a way to get past the mundane, consistency of housework.

So what do I do going forward. I'm still learning to do everything without alcohol. Practice and understanding are keys to success. I understand my struggles. I've gone back to pining for alcohol for a brief moment. I know it's because  of the increased amount of down time I have right now. I'm continually reminding myself to relax and enjoy not being busy. Resist the urge to pile more on my plate that keeps me from doing the things around the house I need to get down. This has always been my go to solution.

Right now my rewards are sitting in the sun guilt free. If I work hard and get things done around the house I will allow myself to sit for a moment and read my book. Guilt free, is there such a thing for a stay at home mom.

What happens in the family stays in the family

So my brother is going throug a rough time. Unfortunatley it's his creation but I feel bad all the same. My last post probably sounded angry and more like venting than sharing my trials with Alcohol. As I step farther away from drinking I'm realizing what alcohol brings to table. Even if its good times and everything is happy you are changing the way you perceive the world around you. You are looking through a different set of glasses. Which is why it's so appealing. It gives you a mental vacation. If you take a vacation long enough you stop being adept at resolving the tougher times in life. The emotions of everyday life become overwhelming. You can't handle dealing with day to day so you saturate it with a good dose of numbness while your problems become larger and your self depricating increases. I was talking to my sister-n-law about my brother and while Alcohol isn't the main factor with what my Brother needs to address, I think it's a good part of why he acts the way he does. He hasn't allowed himself to clear his mind of all the emotional build up of past years. Everytime he starts to feel bad about himself he puts on the protective coating which drinking gives you. My other Brother asked me if he was drinking. I told him I don't think I could tell over the phone if he was. That is something we both had in common, we drank a lot but rarely were we sloppy.  He says he isn't right now. He talked with my mom and texted me if "she" was drinking again. He sounded shocked by how incoherant  she was and how she skipped from topic to topic. My mom still has her own battles she's fighting and will probably fight until she dies. I responded to my brother that she has been like this for years with good days and bad. If he had talked to her in the past 3 years on the phone he would have known that. That was probably an unfair jab, but I'm done holding punches. I know he hasn't talked to my mom for 3 years because he doesn't want to face what she's done to herself. He doesn't want to look in the mirror. I looked long and hard into the mirror and finally had the strength to make the change. I texted him back stating "It was sad but it is what it is now. That's why I stopped drinking because I don't want my kids to have the same conversation about me" He texted back "ya, I'm glad I quit too"

He's got a long road ahead if he thinks not drinking for 2 weeks is quitting...............


I haven't quit drinking, I just stopped pouring myself a glass of wine.