Only sadness today

Today I learned a gentleman, who I don't know well, but have been working with on a project, decided to kill himself. Because of my unfamiliarity with him I'm trying to figure out why this is bothering me so deeply. I feel like a huge stone block hit me in the chest. Of course I would be sad to hear about anyone wether I knew them well or not would resort to such actions. But having sat in the same room and talked with him a few times it's hard to believe this is real.

I met him last year at a community event. He is a volunteer Fire Fighter for the local station. He seemed nice and gentle. Always with a smile and a passion about the community he worked in. This year I have been working with him more closely, seeing him at monthly meetings and the same comminity event. He just accepted a Leadership role in the Fire dept. Talking with him and seeing him you would never get the impression he had anything wrong beyond the normalcy of life. I don't think I'm alone when I say "he is the last person on earth who I would think could do this"

Of course I'm not privy to the intamacies of his personal life but to give up your life and a life with your daughter you had to be sitting with some pretty evil demons. There are always options and choices. You can always change your life and make it better. So it saddens me to great depths that this person would choose death as an option.  I have been thinking about all the damage and hurt this action will create in his families and daughters life. Leaving them to always wonder what they could have done to help.

There is nothing others can do when someone is on a path of self destruction. You can try and help or push them with counsel but they are the ones who need to decide to change. It doesn't matter what it is, addiction, weight, job, life.... if the person can't see themselves better they will never get better. My heart aches for his family and his daughter who will continue for the rest of her life trying to figure out my she wasn't important enough to make a difference. That's not fair to her. My heart also aches for him because he felt there was no other choice.

I'm glad I chose to make my life better. I never want my family to have to try and understand why I didn't think they were worth it.


170 days sober