Easter Day

I'm finding I need this blog less and less as time goes on. At this point living sober is not an extreme event it's becoming more and more part of my life. I still have thoughts about "am I done with Alcohol forever" is there a day that maybe some day I will take a drink?

Easter day like all holidays have been fueled by alcohol. I would usually get up and get our dinner going and sometime around 12:00 I would start drinking. I usually would stick to beer because I knew I would be drinking all day and drinking wine (which I preferred) would put me close the the edge of sloppiness to quickly. We would eat and then gather outside for our coveted egg hunt. If it was sunny we would hide eggs for each other until the shells finally came off . There were always some that never made it back into the house and became food for some creature in the back yard.

I wouldn't say it was hard this year being sober, just different. I made Brunch instead of Dinner and I still looked forward to hiding eggs. It was fun but I could feel the difference in the level of excitement on my part. Alcohol always make the silliest things, like hiding Easter eggs more exciting and fun. We went a few rounds enjoying the sun but I quickly lost interest. My heart just wasn't into it. In fact the whole day I felt quite out of sorts. I wasn't really in the mood to entertain and had my present company had other places to go I probably would have opted out of Brunch all together.

 When you are drinking it's almost like time doesn't exist and you can sit and have the most compelling conversations. Sober I feel like conversations are hard and don't have a natural flow. This isn't in everyday life. But in everyday the conversations are usually around the task at hand. I need to find my place in this sober social circle, reinvent my social character as it were. I know it will come with time, but I think this is the negative stereo type you hear about when Sober people attend the party. They're boring, or "they just don't get what I'm saying". I'm not standing around brooding about not drinking, in fact I really only thought of it a few times. I'm just having a hard time feeling the same intense emotion about the topic of conversation that usually comes while drinking. I notice and feel time clicking by.

I have many more events coming up this year where the dynamic of me being sober will change things. Once this year is done and I'm finally past all the social settings where alcohol played such a key role I hoping to finally find my comfort zone.

101 days Sober :)

We are our own worst enemy

Your mind is not a simple place to live. “There are many things you can avoid in life but you can’t avoid yourself”. This was spoken to me by a friend who battled severe depression and was able to finally identify and heal herself. We were discussing, why is it so impossible to correct ones behaviors when you know it is physically or mental destroying you and all around you. Why is the answer so clear to others but not to you? Is it we don’t really see the problem or we choose not to deal with it. What is your own personal trigger to finally make you change? Is it when you get a DUI (what if you killed someone first and never got the DUI)? What number on the scale finally convinces you that you need to lose weight?  Is it waiting until your life is half over before you decide to seek counseling (had you gone to counseling earlier you could be living the life you are so desperately seeking)

I knew for a long time I had a problem but I was able to keep within the acceptable social parameters. Finally it was grossly apparent I was no longer maintaining social standards so I knew I needed to change. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t like the fact I couldn’t do what I love most, but the alternative was not an option. My family was too important to me. Was my family the only leverage my mind needed to pry open my eyes and finally look in the mirror. Why wasn’t my own self worth enough?

I’m perplexed even in the face of my own addiction the inability people have to not see the writing on the wall. This isn’t just in addiction, this is in many ways we approach life. It makes me sad to have people close to me who don’t see themselves with enough self-worth so they continue toward self –destruction. Not caring about the wake of loss they leave in their path.  

We are our own worst enemy and the battle to do what’s right by our bodies and our lives will always be hard. But there is support and people who rely on you as friends and family and that should be enough leverage to do the right thing.

Subconscious Thinking

Early this morning I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real and when you wake up you were thankful that is wasn't. I don't know all the details but I was into a big project and when we finished (not sure who we was) we went back to the house. I was offered a beer and without thinking I drank it. I didn't have the swooning effects that alcohol gives you but I remember drinking one after another. During this time I didn't realize something was wrong. It felt normal and fine but I just remembered opening one beer after another and cans started piling up off to the side. We (again not really sure who we were) were laughing, talking and having a great time. Then my husband came in. He asked me what I was doing. It became crystal clear as to what was wrong. All my convictions were staring me in the face and I felt like a complete failure. I repeatedly tried to explain to him "they had handed me a beer and it didn't seem wrong", "I didn't realize what was happening". I just knew it was all because of that one beer. I remember feeling so much guilt and remorse during my dream. Trying to wish back that first beer, seeing the disappointment in my husband.

I awoke sleepily and laid there happy it was just a dream. It was an odd feeling to realize one beer means so much to me still. I know I can't have even just one. In reality I would never even start to drink now, but even though it was a dream the guilt felt so real. I'm glad I had the dream it's very clear to me what I would feel like if I decided to drink again.

It's easier to be healthy Sober

Doesn't that look Yummy. I'm sure some of you would think if it's green there has to be something in there the doesn't taste good. You couldn't be more wrong. It is sweet and has a tangy flavor.

I have found it so much easier to be healthy and eat right since I've stopped drinking. I used to eat the most horrible crap because I was hung over. Not just the calories from the alcohol but all the salty stuff I would eat to help tame the dehydration and sour stomach. McDonald's breakfast was my go to staple every morning. I would always tell myself "just eat the sausage McMuffin with egg" but eventually I would reach down and grab the hash brown.  Day after day. If I hadn't been running I would have been as large as a house.

My body is in great balance. I don't need or crave salt like I used too. I can wake up make a smoothie and be satisfied and actually feel good because of all the vitamins, fiber, and nutrients I'm getting. I'm controlling my portion sizes because my body isn't working overtime to purge itself from alcohol.

Green Super Smoothie

2 handfuls of spinach (baby preferred)
One banana
Frozen Peaches
Strawberries (any berries you add will change the color to not so green but still really yummy)
Juice (Pineapple, Orange, Guava, White Grape)
Vanilla yogurt or Vanilla Protein

This recipe is does not have exact quantities. I just put in what I have or think I would like. The other day I had left over fruit salad from dinner and through that in. There are plenty of recipes on-line for different types of smoothies. The spinach is what gives you the boost so don't change out that ingredient.

I have been eating this for breakfast for a few weeks and am totally hooked.

My new Koru Charm

I had posted at the early stages of my sobriety a picture of a bracelet I could wear to remind me of how close to the edge I was walking. It seems even more important I have this talisman to help me continue forward. The farther I get away from that time in my life, the more I forget what a deep hole I had put myself into. Its similar to child birth. The first time you are oblivious of the pain so you agree to subject your body to it. You have the baby and for the first few months you are constantly reminded of how freaking hard it was and the pain is forefront in your mind. Then about 18months later, after your body has put itself back together and the pain is a distance memory you decide that it sounds like a great idea again. Only to be in the middle of labor you start asking yourself why the hell you signed up twice. This is why we have only two children (that among other reasons like money)

I woke up this morning for the first time understanding and accepting that I'm sober. I know there will still be hard days and things will come up and my urges will tear at me. This morning I felt my new habit of sobriety has finally given way to my old habit of drinking. It's hard to explain but something just clicked. I don't feel the inner battle. I'm okay staying sober.......I just totally start crying. Apparently the relief is finally worth all the struggle. It only took 73 days.

I have chosen the symbol above instead of the bracelet. It is the Koru symbol from New Zealand. It represents the fern frond's new growth. Native Maori meaning represents spirit, tranquility and new growth or new beginnings. I thought this was more appropriate and encompasses my life right now and going forward. I'm hoping it will fit on the same necklace right next to my 26.2 charm. Both sobriety and marathons have a lot in common. They both take a lot of strength, endurance, and time.

Random thoughts of a very tired but sober person

We don't have many days especially in the spring when we wake to blue skies.74 and beautiful. I was incredibly busy again today...it has been like this for two and half weeks, but I had a chance to enjoy the sun for a while. I got a run in while my daughter was in Soccer. As I was running I came across a friend I don't get the chance to see very often. We were able to run together for about 2 miles and then we had to go our separate ways. I finished me daughters room and love the color. It's a Peacock blue. The house is almost in order just a few more things to gather up and take to Goodwill.

I'm exhausted. Plain and simple. I had a few times today when I thought about drinking. I think about drinking at the funniest times of day. Today I was driving home after my run and the thought popped in my head. It's like my body forgets and my mind quickly reminds it that we don't do that anymore. Tonight I was cleaning up the kitchen and bent over to pick up a sock (why was there a sock in the kitchen?) I suddenly remembered all the times my husband is out of town and how I used to drink because it would take away the anxiety of being alone at night. Or that's the excuse I gave myself. I'm fine and haven't drank even though he has been gone. It was just a funny thought that popped into my head. I was also intrigued at how soft my hair is right now. I'm eating better and drinking lots of water....it should be softer. I'm healthier.

I think that's about it for random thoughts. Everyone is in bed and I should be there as well. The rain will be back tomorrow...very sad but it was a wonderful day today.

Trading one drug for another

I had coffee with a friend today...actually my running partner. She is injured right now and can't run. She shared with me she is in a huge funk. She has no motivation, slightly depressed, and moody. Telling a runner that they can't run is like telling an alcoholic they can't drink. I know this because I'm both.

For a runner nothing is better than being on the road. Feeling your heart beat, having mental stillness footfall after footfall. You feel exhaustion, pain, and most of all you feel endorphins.

Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters.^[1] They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise,^[2] excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm,^[3][4] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being.

The last sentence is Key......they resemble opiates
Running is an addiction to me. I need it to sleep well, keep my sanity and I enjoy the depth of pain that my body can go through to complete a long run. If I don't run every few days I become edgy and antsy. I feel trapped or start to get into a Funk. I was so exhausted after last week and wasn't sure how I was going pull off 14 miles. But once I started running all the pressure of my tasks went away. The road became the serenity I had been desperately seeking all week. When I start to become busy, running is the first thing I take out of my schedule. I used to never have the same courtesy with alcohol. I could always fit that in or force it in more like it. Running is my new drug of choice right now and has been since I was a little kid.  Am I trading one drug for another? Some could argue Yes, but at least this is a healthier choice in life.