What happens in the family stays in the family

So my brother is going throug a rough time. Unfortunatley it's his creation but I feel bad all the same. My last post probably sounded angry and more like venting than sharing my trials with Alcohol. As I step farther away from drinking I'm realizing what alcohol brings to table. Even if its good times and everything is happy you are changing the way you perceive the world around you. You are looking through a different set of glasses. Which is why it's so appealing. It gives you a mental vacation. If you take a vacation long enough you stop being adept at resolving the tougher times in life. The emotions of everyday life become overwhelming. You can't handle dealing with day to day so you saturate it with a good dose of numbness while your problems become larger and your self depricating increases. I was talking to my sister-n-law about my brother and while Alcohol isn't the main factor with what my Brother needs to address, I think it's a good part of why he acts the way he does. He hasn't allowed himself to clear his mind of all the emotional build up of past years. Everytime he starts to feel bad about himself he puts on the protective coating which drinking gives you. My other Brother asked me if he was drinking. I told him I don't think I could tell over the phone if he was. That is something we both had in common, we drank a lot but rarely were we sloppy.  He says he isn't right now. He talked with my mom and texted me if "she" was drinking again. He sounded shocked by how incoherant  she was and how she skipped from topic to topic. My mom still has her own battles she's fighting and will probably fight until she dies. I responded to my brother that she has been like this for years with good days and bad. If he had talked to her in the past 3 years on the phone he would have known that. That was probably an unfair jab, but I'm done holding punches. I know he hasn't talked to my mom for 3 years because he doesn't want to face what she's done to herself. He doesn't want to look in the mirror. I looked long and hard into the mirror and finally had the strength to make the change. I texted him back stating "It was sad but it is what it is now. That's why I stopped drinking because I don't want my kids to have the same conversation about me" He texted back "ya, I'm glad I quit too"

He's got a long road ahead if he thinks not drinking for 2 weeks is quitting...............


I haven't quit drinking, I just stopped pouring myself a glass of wine.

What does your footprint look like?

There is so much talk about our carbon footprint and what we are doing to the earth. What about our social foot print. The foot print we leave on the individuals who will guide us into the future and make a difference between social success or community failure. 
Our social footprint seems to be a real problem. Raising children to become responsible, self aware and caring individuals. I often hear people blaming others or situations for their problems. What happen to ownership and integrity. When something goes wrong in my life I don't look around me for people to blame. I don't say I'm an alcoholic because someone or something did me wrong. I'm a alcoholic becasue I like to drink and I drink a lot. My mom is an alcoholic but she didn't pour me drinks for the last 16 years that was me!
We have all had our fair share of shit parenting, bad choices, and struggles. As a parent I'm sure I'm making decisions that would cause any counselor to flip in his chair.  In general the bad things that happen to us are products of decisions we made and if you trace back to the begining of a situation, you can usually find the fork in the road where "you" made the wrong turn. Why is it so hard to say "I F @#*'d up", that was my fault. What happened to the golden rule. I hear people say "well you did that to me" or "other people do it all the time". If you don't like the way someone treated you then why would you turn around an exhibit the same behavior. It's like not tipping a waitress, do you really think she is reflecting on herself or her performance? No, she just thinks your an asshole because you didn't tip. She isn't associated her performance with tips. She's thinking about how she's going to make rent.
I cut kids a break. We are the ones who should be guiding them and teaching them they are not the victim. Everyone has a chance to make a positive choice. Our actions, even the smallest are huge. My daughter asked me once while we were on a hike why I kept picking up debris on a trail. I told her because that's our job and responsiblity. When something doesn't go her way, I tell her it was her decision and we all make choices, she just happened to make the wrong one.
Making bad decisions is part of life. We learn most from things we failed at. Failure can define us in a positive way, changing our coarse in life to move in a direction that supports and reflects success or you can let it define you negatively and you can pine for the rest of your life in search of who to blame.

Only sadness today

Today I learned a gentleman, who I don't know well, but have been working with on a project, decided to kill himself. Because of my unfamiliarity with him I'm trying to figure out why this is bothering me so deeply. I feel like a huge stone block hit me in the chest. Of course I would be sad to hear about anyone wether I knew them well or not would resort to such actions. But having sat in the same room and talked with him a few times it's hard to believe this is real.

I met him last year at a community event. He is a volunteer Fire Fighter for the local station. He seemed nice and gentle. Always with a smile and a passion about the community he worked in. This year I have been working with him more closely, seeing him at monthly meetings and the same comminity event. He just accepted a Leadership role in the Fire dept. Talking with him and seeing him you would never get the impression he had anything wrong beyond the normalcy of life. I don't think I'm alone when I say "he is the last person on earth who I would think could do this"

Of course I'm not privy to the intamacies of his personal life but to give up your life and a life with your daughter you had to be sitting with some pretty evil demons. There are always options and choices. You can always change your life and make it better. So it saddens me to great depths that this person would choose death as an option.  I have been thinking about all the damage and hurt this action will create in his families and daughters life. Leaving them to always wonder what they could have done to help.

There is nothing others can do when someone is on a path of self destruction. You can try and help or push them with counsel but they are the ones who need to decide to change. It doesn't matter what it is, addiction, weight, job, life.... if the person can't see themselves better they will never get better. My heart aches for his family and his daughter who will continue for the rest of her life trying to figure out my she wasn't important enough to make a difference. That's not fair to her. My heart also aches for him because he felt there was no other choice.

I'm glad I chose to make my life better. I never want my family to have to try and understand why I didn't think they were worth it.


170 days sober

Doing Great

I enjoyed reading my last post and realized how long it's been since written. I haven't abandoned my Sobriety, although as the weather improves and the days are growing warmer, old habits of hanging in the front or back yard with a glass of wine are proving to be challenging.
I'm over the cravings and in fact I'm now in the "scared shitless to take a drink phase". I don't think I could drink even if I wanted to. It's like when you get sick eating your favorite food and while you have memories of it being good the thought turns your stomach. OR I should say the idea of waking up hung over isn't worth it.
I'm not sure if you still understand the habit of doing something vs the craving. My cravings are gone but the lingering habit of this is what you do....this is what you've always done, still sits fore front in my mind. Lucky for me I haven't had to change my life too much. I still attend gatherings. I still go with friends to have a drink, I still sit in the front yard with neighbors and talk as the kids race around the streets and we watch the sun go down. This is where I'm lucky and I know I am truly done with alcohol. I think their are a lot of people who feel they need it in their life to function. After 6 months I have been able to balance friends and a social schedule with out needing to drink.
I had a Bunco fundraiser at my house a few weeks ago. Of course you can't host a Bunco party with out Alcohol. Or at least I don't know of a dry Bunco party. I wasn't nervous about not drinking, more about being asked why I wasn't drinking. But about an hour into the party I quickly realized no one even noticed. I was busy with food and making sure everyone elses cocktail was filled. I mastered a mean Margarita with my brand new Blender, which for the first time was introduced to alcohol since I bought it. I did have one clear onset of panic with the first Margarita I made. I realized OMG I can't taste it. which any person would do before passing it on the drinker. I quickly became flustered about what to do. Luckily my wing man that night jumped in and tasted it for me. Which I felt bad because she didn't want to drink either, but she totally saved me. I can't describe the caos in my head when I went to put the spoon to my mouth as habit. A huge alarm went off telling me NOOOOOO! Now that one taste wouldn't have killed me and it wouldn't have set me drinking again. But how much alcohol does it take to realign all the craving triggers in my brain. I didn't even want to find out. I don't or can't risk going through that piece again. So fear is driving my sobriety right now which is just fine. I don't want to touch the stove and find out how hot it is. It's just not worth it.

Beautiful Weekend

OMG it was a beautiful weekend. Saturday I went for a 20 mile run, came back with only 15 under my belt. I rolled my ankle in Soccer Wed and it still was achy and having some issues. The morning was still covered in fog but by the time I took my daughter to soccer the sun was out and stayed out all weekend (a novelty in the PNW in April). I spent most of the day Saturday and Sunday in my yard. It's hard not to get the planting bug. I want to get out there and start adding flowers. There is still frost warnings until the end of May so I don't want to get to excited. I have done that in the past and most end up dying.

So I only thought about drinking a hundred times this weekend. It helped to stay busy and being out in the sun lifted my spirits. I think the hardest day was yesterday. I used to love drinking a beer while I worked in the yard. However, I remember as the day would progress I would get a really good buzz going and I would end up doing something really stupid like start talking to my neighbors. I would always wake up the next day wondering if they could tell how drunk I was. Most would say they didn't even notice. They were either lying or I was really able to handle a large amount of alcohol. OH wait....it was probably both LOL

Saturday night it was nice to sit with the neighbors, me sober and talk. We gathered our chairs, combined efforts for dinner and sat until the sun went down. The kids playing and running up and down the streets. I woke up on Sunday feeling great and ready for another productive day.

Seasonal change

I'm starting to make plans and fill my summer calendar. It seems crazy I would need to start this early, but things like camping, races and such need to be planned out or you will never go. My friend called me to talk about Hood to Coast. This is one of my favorite summer runs. I have talked about the relay in previous blogs but just to recap it's a 12 man relay over 200 miles. On paper it sounds crazy but it's the most motivating thing I do all year. Being in a van for 30 hours straight with people cheering you on, telling you how awesome you are, and sharing stories from the years running schedule is just about the most positive place you can be. At the end of the Relay they have a huge party with a beer garden that takes up an acre. When we come in and finish the relay, we take a Team photo and head straight to the beer garden. My friend and husband are there waiting for me (having been there a while) and ready to play. Even though they have usually had a few by the time I get there, my lack of sleep and pure exhaustion allows for me to become assimilated quickly with just one beer. We stay for a while usually having a few more, then find some place to eat. By then my head is usually about to hit the table and we head to the hotel room and I sleep the best sleep I will have for the entire year.

The following day we rise, shower and head for breakfast. After eating nothing but bagels, cream cheese, Gatorade and beef jerky I'm ready for a full blown breakfast. We see a lot of teams at breakfast that morning. Some walking normal others listing about sore from their experience and lack of training. I'm happy to say I'm no longer sore after Hood to coast. We all get a round of bloody Mary's to start the day. This is the prelude to the events that will take place for the rest of the day. There's not much to do in Seaside but drink and shop which we do for the remainder of our stay. After running 17 miles I can pretty much sit in a bar guilt free eating everything fried or on a bun.

So what does it mean this year. As I was talking with my friend thoughts flicked to "well if I just drank that night that would be okay" Justifying my actions over and over in my head. Then I started feeling guilty for even thinking that. This event is still 3 months away and I'm putting energy toward what's right and wrong. Self Pity sets in because it's not fair. This all took place in less than  15secs.

This is just part of the process of me coming to terms with my sober life. Sober people (truly sober people) never even think twice about such things. Every month I'm needing drinking less and less. There are about 100 obstacles still in my way even before we get to this particular event. All will be challenging and push my conviction to the edge of the cliff where I stand, toes dangling, staring down at the drink I once consumed without even a thought.

Wednesday's Thoughts

It's weird sometimes to think I don't drink any more. It used to be the thought of not drinking was hard to grasp. I used to ask myself "how could I go a night without alcohol" What would I do? Well it seems I do the same things just without a drink in my hand and I feel a hell of a lot better for it. I still miss the social piece, the occasional Sunday afternoon drink. It's hard to picture what this summer is going to be like. My favorite time to park the chair in the driveway, soak up some sun and have a glass of wine.
 I'm not feeling as much self pity these days about not drinking because I feel the benefits of being sober everyday. I don't feel tethered to the detailed planning of drinking. Yes there is a plan. I couldn't go out to dinner without a plan of drinking....who will drive, how many can I drink and how much will I need when I get home, what do I have going on tomorrow do I need to make sure I don't over drink, do I have enough Gatorade at home to hydrate.
 The freedom of not having to constantly be planning for drinking is huge. When you are drinking everyday you don't realize how much effort and planning went into your habit. Not that I'm utilizing my recovered time to get more done. That is one thing I can say about drinking. When I would get a few in me I could get a lot done.
Thoughts creep in and out of my head through out the day but they have definitely changed to more an epiphany of "wow" how deep I really was into drinking. Amazed at the balancing I did to make sure I could drink on a regular basis.

It's nice to have my mind and body back in total control.