Yay! 31 days

Yep, I made it. I really didn't have much doubt I could, only because I have done the one month cleanse before. The hard part is going to be the next 30 days. Outside of  2 Pregnancies, I haven't gone 60 days without drinking since 1985. That is a pretty crazy thing to look at... written down... now public knowledge. Wow, 27 years.....My life is far from wasted but more than a few days are lost from my life due to hangovers and over indulgence.
So I feel like I'm starting all over, this being my true first month of sobriety. It will be the most challenging. I have a few events that are coming up which will really put me to the test. As I progressed through last month I was able to stay sober easily because I was in the comfort and safety of my home and routine. This weekend my family went to the beach and I felt challenged at every turn. There was so much down time and when we were doing something, it was dining at a restaurant or sitting on the beach, or sitting in the hot tub, snuggled in watching movies. Everything that goes well with a glass of wine or a couple bottles as the case may be. I was agitated, grumpy, and miserable. At home when I start to feel that twinge come on I do something, walk, run, clean....blog. OH how I missed my blog. I wanted to write down my feelings so bad. This is a huge outlet for me and a way to process my emotions. Instead I paced and tried to think of things to do. I read two books...."Mommy doesn't drink here anymore" by Racheal Brownell and "The Long Run" by Mishka Shubaly. Both were great books and different paths to sobriety. I contemplated drinking and got close a few times, rationalizing that my husband doesn't know the kind of commitment I have made (hindsight this might be the time to tell him). It boiled down too...I would know, ME, MYSELF and I. I couldn't come back to this blog and celebrate I had been sober 31 days. The disappointment in myself would have been huge. So while I sat at dinner eating my wonderful crab stuffed Halibut, I imagined how exotic a glass of Cabernet would taste with this meal, beating  myself with the progression of events that would take place if I have one glass. This actually played out in my mind. Have you ever read "If you give a mouse a cookie"?

This is what is sounds like
If you give me a glass of wine, then I will have to have two. If I have two, then I will have broke the cycle of sobriety. If I have broken the cycle of sobriety then I can stop and get a bottle  of wine on the way back to the house. When I stop and get a bottle on the way home I might as well grab 2. But since I have had two glasses already and I stop and buy 2 bottles then I will only finish half of the second one tonight. So I might as well get 3 bottles at the store because I will need a full bottle to go with the half a bottle left over from tonight. And since I'm already planning to drink tomorrow. I might as well get 6 bottles so that I can have 2 for each day we are here since I'm drinking again.

Needless to say....once I got to the store in my head I was done. What a train wreck. Happily I did not drink, maintained my grumpiness and just tried to freaking relax. Drank a lot of ginger ale an milk Sunday and ate way to my onion dip and chips. :)

31 days sober. Relieved I was able to blog today. Ran 4 miles this morning. Making chili for dinner.

AHHH! Home.

 

Off to the beach

Haven't given drinking much thought lately but this impromptu trip is starting to pull on the inner strings a little. Typically alcohol would be present and forefront on such a trip as this. I'm scrambling around the house thinking of things to take that will help with distraction. I just finished my book so I will need to find another before we leave. I won't be able to blog while I'm there so my safety crutch is gone.
I asked my husband if he wanted me to pick up some beer to take and he said he wasn't really planning to drink, unless we went to a restaurant, then he might have a few. GOD!.....why can't I be like him.
All will be fine. I plan on running, taking walks and doing some shopping.
Only 3 days left till 30. I will be happy to get over this hump.

Friendships

Spent the day with a dear friend who I have literally know my whole life. We met when we were 7. I remember being fresh from the corn state and standing in front of the class being introduced to all new people. I was a pretty easy going kid and everyone was a potential playmate, so this wasn't a huge transition for me. As we were gathering our things and I was ready to board the bus my teacher partnered me with a cute, tan, blond haired kid. He was really shy but only lived two houses down from me and would help me get off at the right stop. I don't remember the bus ride home just clips of images as we said goodbye and he watched me walk to my house. 35 years later we are having lunch at Red Robin talking about our plans for the weekend and his up coming birthday.
He has been in my life for what seems like forever. He is more family than friend now and my kids consider him an uncle. He was a devoted friend and we did everything together. Growing up I think I was more his shadow than he ever was mine. He was the kid with all the cool toys and we spent hours at his house, in the fields, and running amuck through the neighborhood. Freedom that sadly my children will never have.
As we grew up, we continued to do everything together, including drinking. I remember the first time we shared a beer. We stole it from the fridge behind the bar at his house. His dad always drank Miller Lite. We snuck the beer out quietly, headed to the front yard around the corner and popped it open. At first we both looked at each other with disgust from the taste, but then the rush of alcohol hit, filling our perfect and untainted bodies with a new kind of euphoria. They say, children who try or taste alcohol at a young age are more likely to become alcoholics......hmm....that's interesting.  We finished that beer and I remember saying lets get another one. My friend said "no, my dad might notice". Even as young as thirteen my brain couldn't just let me have that little bit. I wanted more. So our life in the 80's began. If you have ever watched 16 candles, Breakfast Club, or Valley Girl you would understand the kind of social scene and parties we attended every weekend. This is not an exaggeration. We would go to parties (never quite figured out who's parents would let a hundred teenagers destroy their house every weekend) and we would drink until we puked or passed out. I always had to be home by midnight so we would get an early start at 7:00, find someone to buy us alcohol and we would set out for the night. How we made it home alive was beyond me.
As the years passed we grew up, my life heading towards career, marriage, kids. His stalling out and maintaining a holding pattern just past 1994, but somehow we always met back in the middle with alcohol as our bonding agent. So today, I'm sitting across from him at lunch, me with my tea and him with his beer, talking. The whole time thoughts are pouring into my head about where this relationship is headed. Struggling to find some other commonality. I'm starting to feel agitated and uncomfortable not because he's drinking in front of me, but because I have this feeling of contempt about who we are and why are we still friends. I felt uneasy watching him slowly slip into a nice calming buzz. Time slowing down for him and me getting impatient because I'm struggling to make conversation, when usually the alcohol steers us down roads of old or on some tangent about this or that. I'm trying not to let myself judge or get irritated.  Maybe knowing he needs to stop as much as I do and if he did stop we could meet once again back in the middle.  I'm still not sure where we will end up once he realizes I can no longer be his drinking buddy, I guess we will find out on his Birthday night. I know we will remain family, too many years have passed for that to change. I may be speculating in a negative light. He may be fine and not care one smidgen about my new sobriety. I guess the problem is stemming for from me. Why can't I just accept who he is and the differences in our lives. Isn't that what I'm expecting him to do for me?

The Habits that Crush us- Zenhabits.com

The Habits That Crush Us

‘Don’t panic.’ ~Douglas Adams

Post written by Leo Babauta.

Why is it that we cannot break the bad habits that stand in our way, crushing our desires to live a healthy life, be fit, simplify, be happier?
How is it that our best intentions are nearly always beaten? We want to be focused and productive, exercise and eat healthy foods, stop smoking and learn to get rid of debt and clutter, but we just can’t.
The answer lies in something extremely simple, but something most people aren’t aware of:
We don’t know how to cope with stress and boredom in a healthy way.
The bad habits we’ve formed are often useful to us, in dealing with stress and boredom. Consider the bad habits that fit this bill:

• Smoking
• Internet procrastination
• Eating junk food
• Drinking
• Being rude/angry/depressed
• Watching TV or playing video games (if you become addicted & sedentary)
• Shopping (getting into debt, building clutter)
• Procrastinating on finances, paperwork, clutter (too stressful)
• Inactivity (avoiding exercise is a stress avoidance technique)
• Biting nails, chewing hair, clenching jaw

This isn’t a complete list, but all of these habits fill a strong need: they are ways to cope with stress and/or boredom. We have formed them as coping mechanisms, and they stick around because we don’t have better ways of coping.
So what if instead, we replaced them with healthier ways of coping? We’d get rid of the problems of these bad habits, and start getting the benefits of better habits.

Better Coping Habits

How can we deal with stress and boredom instead? There’s no one answer, but the habits we form should be ones that lead to healthier results. Some ideas:

• Walk/run/swim/bike
• Do pushups, pullups, squats
• Yoga/meditation
• Play with friends/kids
• Create, write, play music, read when we’re bored
• Learn to enjoy being alone, instead of being bored
• Take a daily walk and enjoy nature
• Deal with finances, clutter, paperwork immediately, in small steps, so that it doesn’t get stressful
• Take control of a situation: make a list, get started in baby steps, so things don’t get stressful
• Learn to be mindful of your breathing, body tension, stressed-out thoughts
• Get some rest
• Learn to savor healthy food that you find delicious
• Slow down
• Take a hot bath
• Learn to live in the present

These are some good examples. Each habit above will help cope with or prevent stress or boredom. If you replace the bad habits with these, your life will be less stressful and healthier. You’ll have less debt, less clutter, less fat, less disease.

Changing the Habits

The old habits of coping didn’t build up overnight, and they won’t go away overnight either. We built them up through years of repetition, and the only way to change them is also years of repetition.
But an important start is to realize why we do them — stress and boredom, largely — and realize that there are other ways to deal with these two problems. We need to be aware when stress and boredom start to kick in, and instead of being afraid of them, realize that they are problems easily solved by other habits. Let’s take the fear out of stress and boredom. Let’s learn that we can beat them simply, and prove that with repeated good habits.
Once you have that realization, follow the usual Zen Habits steps to changing a habit:

1. Pick one habit at a time.
2. Start very small – just a minute or two, if you want it to stick.
3. Use social motivation like Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or email.
4. Be very conscious of your triggers, and do the habit consciously every time the trigger happens.
5. Enjoy the new habit. You’ll stick with it longer if you do.

We have been crushed by the habits we’ve formed out of fear of stress and boredom. We can fight back, by learning to breathe, to smile, to go slowly. We can humble these giants that crush us by turning them into mere gnats to be shooed away with a smile.

22days and 13.1 miles

I haven't ran over 8 miles since August. I have been half marathon ready for 4 years. This means that on any given day I could go out and run 13 miles, if I chose to do so. Even in the wake of alcohol I could pull this off. So when I say I fell into the deep end, the pool being a bottomless pit of wine, I was not exaggerating.
Just a reminder to those who may have not been following along, I have drank daily or at least 4 times a week for as long as I can remember. At least since I was 23 and could afford to do so. I would adjust my drinking (or not) based on what I had to do the next day. One of my many strategies to maintain functionality. The scales finally tipped at the end of 2010. I had just finished my second marathon in October. I was exhausted and my body needed to heal so I took time off from running. Running is my"strategy for controlled drinking" and without it my vice quickly began to run full course. Disgusted with myself by January and needing to run again I decided to sign up for another marathon in June (this would fix my wanting to drink all the time HA!). My previous marathon was in October and really put a damper on my summer fun. I didn't like the fact that last summer I couldn't sit in the sun, enjoying cocktails when ever I wanted (which was everyday). If I ran the marathon in June,  I would be in great shape, which would carry over to my Hood to Coast run (a 12 man relay covering 197 miles) in August.  I could enjoy the summer and then when the kids went back to school I would start my training again. I WAS CONCEIVING A DRINKING PLAN FOR 7 MONTHS IN THE FUTURE. This should have raised a Red flag the size of Texas. So January came around and I abandoned my usual beginning of the year cleanse and managed my drinking around my running. I still wasn't in that bad of shape. I could still run 13.1 miles. The biggest change I noticed was I could drink and run. My main defense against drinking had finally been shattered.

Over the next 6 months I ran, trained (not well) and drank. I didn't feel great but I did it. Telling myself this wasn't so bad. I was less hungover because I couldn't drink "two" bottles of wine and run, so I was only drinking one. I saved the two bottle nights for when I didn't have to get up the next day. My long runs were on Saturday. I would run 15, 16  miles come home and drink for the rest of the day. Sometimes finishing 3 beers shy of an 18 pack. Enjoying the clear, clean buzz I got because I had just purged my body of all the toxins.
The marathon came and went. Not my best time but not my worst. Finally summer was here. I had a marathon under my belt and I could enjoy the summer without the shackles of my strategies. I didn't have to run in the morning if I didn't want too. My long runs were so minor compared to what I had be doing so drinking the night before become a non issue. All the protective coatings I had applied to myself to keep me safe were striped. I no longer had the blue and white rope with egg shaped buoys bobbing on the water, defining the shallow end of the high functioning drunk I have been for so long. Gradually I floated out into the deep end. I knew I was headed there but didn't care. I kept telling myself I needed this, I deserved this. I soon spun everything into drama so it would give me a reason to drink.

It's January 22nd. I have been back in training since Jan 2. Amazingly enough 3 weeks of running my legs held me through the gruelling 13 miles. While I was running I talked to myself about what I had done. Why I had let myself stop running and stop training. I realized it needed to happen. At some point this had to happen. How much longer could I continue to balance alcohol in my life. My husband and I went for a walk Saturday(we haven't done this in forever). He said he has noticed a difference in us and he liked it. I still haven't really talked to him about what I'm going through. I haven't shared with him yet that I can no longer drink.....forever. Bits and pieces have come out but nothing to declare eternal sobriety. But I have noticed we are healing. He joked; "it's probably my tolerance of him that has improved".  In some ways yes, but mostly I feel better, I'm listening, and I have thrown out all the made up drama I held him accountable for. Yesterday, I came home after my race, watched football, drank lots of water, and enjoyed the high you get from running. I woke up this morning feeling a little achy but happy, in love and ready to run again.

Diversity of Alcoholism

I was talking with my friend yesterday and we stumbled on the subject “Types” of Alcoholics. At first she thought she might have offended me, suggesting there is a “type” of alcoholic. I assured her she had not and this has been one of the biggest obstacles I have had to overcome.

The Diversity of Alcoholism.

There are as many types of alcoholism as there are people who are struggling with it. Each one of us has a different story, a different reason for drinking, and a different playing field. One reason why I struggled for so long, was comparing me to what I thought an alcoholic was. I wasn’t looking at myself as an alcoholic because, I was still able to get up in the morning, complete projects, run a marathon, take care of my kids, and all my friends were drinking right along with me. In my mind an alcoholic was someone who couldn’t keep it together, they sat on park benches clinching tightly to a paper wrapped bottle. They had drama, chain smoked, still dressed in the 70’s, slept all day. The stereo types went on and on in my head. Even when I saw my mother going down the dark path and witnessed firsthand what alcohol can do. I rejected that I could ever be that person. I just thought she was weak and I would never let myself get to that point. How could I, I have always lived by a strict rule of “learn from others mistakes and do not repeat them” My own ego and arrogance let me continue to live in a world of denial. I could and would be the master alcohol, everyone else around me didn’t seem to have a problem with alcohol. So I spent countless days and years coming up with strategies to keep myself under control. If I ran more I can’t drink as often. I will only buy one bottle of wine because I know I can still function the next day, I can only drink on the weekends….it didn’t matter though. It only took one drink, one excuse, one reason to get me started again, and again, and again. I could write a play book titled “101 ways to balance life with alcohol”. But eventually I abandoned my coveted strategies and let my urges and wants take over, leading me down the proverbial path of total and complete alcoholism.

I am learning quite clearly that diversity is what makes us all unique and interesting even in alcoholism. Understanding just because I’m not “that” person drinking at 8:00am, going to a bar where everyone knows my name, or getting DUI’s doesn’t mean I don’t have a real problem.  I didn't need to do any of those things or be any of those people to be an alcoholic, I was doing it already being me.

Embracing my diversity as an alcoholic is now helping me continue to want to stay sober. I know what "type" of alcoholic I am.  Reading and finding people with stories like mine, are helping me stay focused and preparing me for my Sober life. Thankfully seeing the diversity of alcoholism has helped me break through the stereo types and finally acknowledged who"I" am.

Day 19

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other”

-Abraham Lincoln

The book I'm reading is okay. We definitely have a shared path. Reading about her early adventures with alcohol hit home causing me to reflect on my own past and wince in horror at some of the things I've done and positions I had put myself into. I can only thank god that my life turned out as well as it did in spite of a multitude of bad choices. I think I'm still lying to myself about what and who I was with Alcohol. Every book talks about being honest and telling everyone the truth most especially yourself. I openly admit I have a problem, just not to everyone. But to the ones that are helping me.  I'm not telling people to give myself an out if I suddenly fall off the wagon, it's more I don't want pity or the badge branded across me. I guess I'm afraid I won't look like the shinny star, the girl that can some how manage to do so much I've been for so long. I don't want people to look at me and start putting two and two together and say to themselves "Ah, now that totally makes sense". I don't think I'm lying to myself as much as hiding behind a huge wall that is my EGO. I can also be hugely critical of others which is a trait I wish I could get rid of. So my critical self Ego is telling me others are going to judge me, make me wear a Scarlet shirt with a big fat "A" for alcoholic, and watch me under a microscope to see if I fail. And if for some reason I did relapse then I become another black slash on the Alcohol statistic chart. I guess that is the real motivation, isn't it. Not give anyone the opportunity to do this. But then am I quitting because I want too or now because I'm afraid to publicly look like a failure, which alcohol has already done.

So, back to quote above. The only person that matters to my success is me. I'm the only one who can make this work, feel confident in who I am, and be resolute to change. I need to feel comfortable that others might judge me but most will help me. 

Starting to like myself again

My emotions are starting to level out. I feel a kind of peace starting to come together. My life balance pendulum is starting to rock soft and steady in short swings just over the middle. My patience, understanding, and tolerance are becoming more noticeable.

  When I first started writing this blog I was in constant waves of emotion. Everything seemed to be big, and towering over me. I felt like I had nothing under control or everything was beyond my control. My marriage of 17 years seemed in a rut, my kids were stressing me out, my physical being was wrecked and over weight. My emotions were raw and easily irritated. I would drink to mask all of these things which then, would make all these things big again when I woke up the next day. I haven't always been like this, even drinking. My drinking just became in such excess over time...trying to maintain any sort of balance became hard.
In November I was at my wits end with so much and I was acting like a spoiled brat. The alcohol was taking over. Anything that stood in my way and kept me from doing what I wanted to do became and irritant. Unfortunately my husband probably got most of the backlash. Not saying he's an angel but I was the one changing and making up new rules to fit my habits. He just had to go along for the ride. I wasn't drinking all day, but the after effects of drinking every night were there with me all day. If my husband didn't come home in just the right frame of mind I would blow him off because I was drinking. I would let every little thing he did take me over and I would make a mountain out of a mole hill. I would have my defense ready and waiting and I would continue to drink until I didn't hear him anymore.
 Day after day I would poison myself with irritation about what mood he came home in, how he treated my friends,  how he treated the kids, the list can go on and on. It wasn't just with him it was with everything. I was becoming negative, reactive, and judgemental. 3 things I have never been before. I finally didn't like who I was becoming. I wanted the happy Michelle back but I couldn't have that person back until I quit drinking.

I wish I could remember where I read this...someone said "Most people have to reach a state of disgust or disappointment in themselves to truly change" I think that's why some people have to hit rock bottom, loose everything before they realize they need to change. Fortunately my rock bottom wasn't to far down. I'm glad I was able to look in the mirror and finally be disgusted with myself enough to want to change.

Today..... I feel more stable, less volatile. I've noticed that my nights have been more manageable and have a nice flow. I have tolerance and patience back. I'm sleeping better, eating better and  losing weight.

 I'm starting to like myself again.

My new book

Can't wait to get started. Below is an interview with Sacha.

Unwasted: An Interview with Sacha Scoblic on the Sober Life

By Therese J. Borchard
Associate Editor

As a recovering drunk myself, I was especially interested in the new memoir, Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety by Sacha Z. Scoblic, a writer in Washington, DC, and a contributing editor to The New Republic.
I thought I’d ask her more about what she thinks about life without booze.
1. If you knew all that you do today, what would you have done differently your first year of sobriety?
Sacha: The first year of sobriety is riddled with basic epiphanies most adults have sooner than do addicts (like: Paying bills is not optional and I don’t have to drink just because it’s Arbor Day) as well as turbulent emotions rising to the surface after years of self-medication through alcohol, drugs, and denial. And then there’s this feeling that no one understands your loss, cravings, or anxieties, because all of your friends and acquaintances are drinkers and users, which leaves you alone in the harsh glare of sobriety — chain-smoking and mainlining Diet Coke. So, if I could do my first year differently, I’d go to rehab.

I am always jealous of my sober friends who started out in rehab. Not only did they immediately have a safe, drug-and-alcohol-free environment to begin their journeys (while I walked by bars, liquor stores, and tantalizing outdoor cafés with clenched fists every day on my way home from work in my first months of sobriety); they also had an instant cohort—people just like them, struggling just like them. I, on the other hand, slowly tested out the 12-step waters on my own with a major chip on my shoulder (This feels like a cult! Why are people speaking in unison?) and therefore had no one to talk to or even relate to when I had a craving. At the time, I was more likely to detox with a juice fast than go to an actual rehab detox, because I instinctively sneered at “institutions” and “rules” and “sharing.” But now, I think a 28-day program would have been an incredible jumpstart for me—and for anyone with an addiction.
It took me a long time to realize that a 12-step program was just what this lush needed to walk the line, that I couldn’t stay sober alone, and that each time I white-knuckled my way through the day, I was actually doing it the hard way, the lonely way, the insane way—not the tough-independent-chick way (which is what I told myself). The gift of rehab is the instant support, those ballasts that keep you from white-knuckling it or telling yourself the lie that you can do it alone. Rehab will also provide an introduction to a program I took to long to open up to, one that keeps me sober—even on those tempting walks home from a hard day at work.
2. What has been most surprising about sobriety?
Sacha: For me, sobriety has held a raft of surprises—meted out as I had each of my sober firsts: my first office party sober (Surprise! Making small talk sans elixir with people I barely tolerate is unimaginably hard), my first weekend alone sober (Surprise! It turns out I have no hobbies or discernible interests at all aside from drinking), my first karaoke attempt sober (Surprise! I have no business singing Alicia Keys—ever), my first episode of “The Surreal Life” sober (Surprise! Drunk Sacha had a sensationally low bar for TV).
In early sobriety, I was also constantly surprised at how little most “normal” people drink. In my previous active-alcoholic worldview, any instance where alcohol was served was an obvious occasion to get drunk. Whether it was an office schmooze-fest, a regatta, or a Bris, I found the booze and got down to business. I was always stunned in sobriety to see how few people were drunk at events at which I would regularly and happily get hammered. Even now, I still marvel at all of the half-empty glasses scattered across any dinner-party table I attend. The idea of not finishing a glass of wine is still both perplexing and amazing to me.
Now, with six years of sobriety under my belt, what surprises me are the quieter truths, like the serenity and quality of life I have today thanks to attempting to live in rigorous honesty. As a drinker, I was a schemer. It took a while in sobriety to realize that I no longer had to manipulate every situation or to be the coolest, funniest, most outrageous person in the room. I am amazed by the simple pleasure of telling the truth and hoping for the best. By living honestly, I now also have an authentic relationship with a man who six years ago had been on his way out the door. I have a better sense of who I am, too. I have hobbies other than drinking now—like the easy pleasure of gardening, the intimacy of museum-going, and seeing the world go by at a jogging pace. And I never cease to be thrilled when morning arrives and I do not have a hangover. But, mostly, what surprises me—what astounds me—is how much freaking happier I am sober.
3. What would you tell a young woman—or anyone for that matter—who can’t think beyond her last glass of wine, who can’t imagine a life without booze?
Sacha: I was that young woman. Heck, I used to think I’d never have a child because I couldn’t imagine going nine months without a drink. What I tell anyone struggling with the idea of abandoning alcohol—especially after a real crap day at the office, or a break-up, or a family blow-up—is to ask herself: How is a drink going to improve this situation? Is it going to make my job better? Will it bring back my boyfriend? Will it make my family normal? Nope. In fact, pouring a drink on top of any of those situations just might make them worse—drunk-dialing, anyone? Throwing a depressant (alcohol) on top of a bad day just adds fuel to the fire.
And then there’s the question of potential: What are you meant to do with this life? Because I doubt using alcohol—to the point where you can’t imagine a life without it—is going to help you get there. You’ve got one shot on this ride; make it count. Luckily, there are lots of us comrades out there, and you will never have to attempt the wild feat of getting sober alone.

Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife by Brenda Wilhelmson's

I finished my book which made me sad. I feel like I could have continued to read about her life even up until this day, which she is now 5 years sober. She was someone I could relate to and I'm thankful that she had the courage to write about what she went through. I know there are people out there like me. It is so important to have someone to relate to when you are deciding to quit an addiction.
When I first started realizing I needed to change my life, I started searching for options to help me stop. I knew I didn't want to do a 12 step program even though it has helped many. I looked at Hypnosis, talking to my doctor about medication to help with the urges.....it went on an on. Finally I came across a book called Living Sober Sucks (but living drunk sucks more) by Mark Tuschel. He was someone who I could relate too. It seemed like our lives were very similar when it came to alcohol. However it still wasn't quit the fit I needed to prepare myself. But his book inspired me to start this blog, come up with an action plan to quit and keep searching for the right way "for me" to stop drinking. Then thanks to Mark's blog The Clean Life, I came across Brenda Wilhelmson's book, Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife . It was such a relief to read about someone like me. A high functioning Alcoholic who's friends didn't know anything was wrong let alone think she had a problem, she had a husband who was irritated by her drinking but really didn't do much to stop it (which is not his fault because nobody can change an alcoholic but the alcoholic themselves), and had one parent that was an alcoholic and the other never touched the stuff. From the outside her life looked just like mine.....and on the inside as well.
It was such a relief to read about someone like me.
Her book  starts out retelling stories of her before she committed to being sober. Then you are with her for the first year of her sobriety. It was great to see how each month she grew stronger and her will to stay sober became more and more of a focus for her. Her book shared her transition with friends and family. Her strength to stay friends with people who challenged her sobriety every time  they were together. For some. it's important to stop hanging around the people that temp you, but for me that is not an option. I have to learn to maneuver through a world where alcohol will always be within arms reach. She was able to give me the strength to know I can do this.

If you are thinking about getting sober and don't know what to do, it's so important you find people, or books, or a program that "YOU" can relate to. I think if you know you aren't alone or that someone else is just like you, you are going to be more successful to help yourself. You also need to know when the time is right and it's not the morning after a hangover. If that was the case I would have been sober years ago.

Thank you Mark, The Clean Life  for supporting me, checking on me, and giving me encouragement

Thank you Mark Tuschel, Living Sober Sucks for getting me started, giving me an action plan.

Thank you Brenda Wilhelmson, Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife for telling your story and giving me someone I can relate too.

Ups and downs

Had a few rough days. I think it's really the habit of opening the wine around dinner time. I took the kids out to dinner last night which was nice. It was great to have the distraction. I'm not having  huge overwhelming urges just a little tugs here and there to remind me that I'm not out of the woods yet. Feeling on edge and kinda spacey. But that could be chalked up to my womanly issues as much as the detox issue. Actually both together are what's probably reeking havoc. I'm sure my husband is glad to be out of town hehehe!
 I'm not missing drinking, well that's not true. I would love to have a glass of wine tonight. But with that said, I'm really enjoying feeling wonderful. I know that even one glass would change that and I would be starting all over again. I don't want to start all over again.
 I ran 3 miles and did 25min of Yoga. If felt good to stretch out. Yesterday I was able to finally get my project room cleaned up and have a huge pile of stuff to donate. Slowing working through my house and it's feeling really good to purge.

I feel like a snake and it's off with the old skin and getting used to the new.
Happy Friday the 13th!

Good morning

Absolutely love waking up. I feel great even for waking up at 5:00a. The things you tell yourself when you are drinking to stay drinking are amazing. With out drinking, you know you will feel better. You know you will get way more accomplished in a day. You will eat better, sleep better, take care of yourself and exercise. So why do you drink. Out of habit? Because you are addicted? Both?
It seems so silly that I put myself through years of torture so I could have 3 to 6 hours of mind dulling fun. Having been drinking for so long, the thought I can't have fun or enjoy a good meal without the perfect wine is what trained my brain into believing I must drink to enjoy life. I still have a long way to go to learn how to enjoy all the things I do sober. But now the silliness of needing to drink to make those moments special doesn't seem as important. Have I finally grown up?

One of the biggest challenges, I haven't faced yet, but will be coming up sometime in the future is what to drink socially. Unless I want to cut yourself off from the world there will be a time when I will be around people drinking. I'm a wife of a business owner and there are a lot of functions I attend with an open bar. I have learned to hate the open bar. For someone who can't cut themselves off an open bar is like a buffet. Even though you have had enough you keep going back for more because it's free and you feel you need to get your monies worth. Open Bar =Hangover, embarrassment, loss of memory. Which actually helps with the embarrassment until you randomly remember weeks later.

A few years ago. My husband and I attended a Ball of sorts. Everyone is dressed up in their finest. Some men in Tux's most in suits. All the women are in formal attire. After appetizers, dinner, about 15 trips to the open bar and what I recall the best dancing I have ever done (that would be due to the open bar) we headed to our Hotel. I was coming down the stairs because I didn't want to wait for the elevator which my husband HAD to take. I walked down 3 flights of stairs in heels (which I never wear) and as I went to step on the last step my knee buckled. All I remember was my shoe flying across the floor, like the Matirx slow motion, towards the opposite end of the main lobby at the Governors Hotel. I came down hard on my ass but was so embarrassed I popped up like a daisy and tried to pull my dress down to a reasonable length while hobbling to get my shoe. Thank god the only people who saw me were the people who worked there. I was lucky. This was a dinner of Ian's peers and business associates from all over the city. I can't imagine what the staff was thinking. Well yes I can. I know what I would have thought. Ian finally made it down and I'm standing in front of the elevator (wishing I would have taken the damn thing) and he's looking at me with my shoes in my hand, like what the hell happened. I said we need to go......NOW. I don't really remember the walk back to the hotel. I woke up the next morning with a bruise the size of an apple and it was the size of a grapefruit by the end of the week. My head was reeling and I felt totally nauseous. I didn't even remember falling until Ian pointed out my lucky souvenir branded on my backside. Then the metal snapshots of my awesome dancing techniques played like a slide show in my mind along with my shoe skirting across the floor in slow motion. I went home and crawled into bed trying to get rid of the embarrassment.

So, back to drink of choice. I discovered this the other night and love it. I actually bought the POM to splash in my water because I really don't like water and hate store bought flavored water more. In the fridge we had a new bottle of Tonic water and thought that would be really good with the POM. I really don't drink soda either so this was a bubbly alternative. I think this will be my go to drink for the next event or party I attend. Everything I've read and the people I talk too, say it's important to have a drink of choice in your hand. This will keep the urge to drink alcohol to a minimum. Mark Tuschel from Livingsobersucks.com recommended picking a drink that looks like a regular alcoholic drink so people won't continue to ask or inquire about why you aren't drinking. I think this drink would be perfect. They may not have POM but cranberry would be just as nice.

First Weekend down

I feel great. This is the 9th day I have woke without the queasy stomach and the head pounding. If this isn't motivation I don't know what is. What are my reflections of last week.......

Exercise- I stayed with my training program. My legs are screaming after an 8 mile run on Saturday and a 7 mile hike on some pretty tough hills Sunday. My run was great, it was nice to wake up  and not have to pull myself through a run because I had polluted myself all week. Even though I usually wouldn't drink the night before a long run, you are still not properly hydrated from a week of drinking. Plus your body is spending some much energy repairing and purging the toxins from the bad food you chose to eat to counter balance the week of hangovers. My hike was wonderful. I went with my friend Vanessa who is on board with my sobriety. I tried not to dominate the conversation with my new found Sobriety but we were able to talk a bit about how I was doing and some of the challenges. We talked about the book I was reading and what I thought the future was going to look like. Like I said, I'm trying not to talk about it too much. I want this blog to be my outlet. Even though my friends are totally their for me I don't want to come across preachy. I don't like it when someone has a new found diet, or exercise program and they want to tell you over and over how wonderful it is and your thinking to yourself that's great but really not for me.

Food- I managed to loose 4 pounds. I know that most of this is water. Breaking the cycle of my body retaining water will take some time since it's been in a constant state of dehydration for the past umpteen years. I  can control what I eat so much better when I'm not drinking. I had the worst habits while drinking. I wouldn't eat properly at night because I didn't want to kill my buzz (this was actually the key turning point that I realized I needed to stop drinking) I wouldn't eat until right before bed. Then the next day I would eat anything with the highest salt contents because my body was craving water and salt. A combination that are a girls worst enemy. I was able to eat the right portions, I had greens and lots of them and more focus on Protein instead of starches. I didn't feel like I was deprived at all. I have been trying to loose weight for the past 3 years but would always fall off any diet plan because my hangover cravings would sabotage my efforts. Not to mention, I just took off about 750 calories a day by not drinking two bottles of Red wine every night. I did indulge in chocolate. I am craving sweets really bad which I know is due to my body getting a ton of sugar from Wine every night. I let myself drink Hot Chocolate which actually helped with the habit of having something to sip on and some pieces of Chocolate every night. Good alternative I think.

Sleep- still struggling a bit with that but I haven't had to take a Tylenol PM in the last two days. So I feel I'm getting better. Although Ian slept in a different part of the house (this is usual for the weekends not a reflection of our marriage :) But without him snoring beside me, I think that helped a little.

I look forward this next week. Everyday will be a challenge but I'm so happy with the way I feel.

Thoughts for today

Woke up this morning and ran 3 miles and did a few strength training moves. So far this week I have been sticking to my exercise schedule and feeling pretty good. It's Friday and as Fridays go, I have been really busy so I haven't had much time to think about what I usually do on Friday nights... drink. Instead I have been thinking about all the things I'm going to get done this weekend because I'm not drinking. I did get a little twinge around 12:00. It's a weird urge hard to explain, but I think it stems more from the habit of drinking then the actual Alcohol. Still really tired. I gave in and took a nap. I'm sure my sleep pattern will improve as time goes on. Tonight I might take a hot bath to see if that will relax me.
I had a great lunch with a friend yesterday. We were taking about the last six months and how I have seemed to be in a real funk. She wanted to ask what was going on but wants sure if she should. We spent lunch talking about our New Years resolutions and what needed to change in our lives. Her and I are very similar in the way we think. We share the same Birthday right down to the same day just 7 years apart. We were both born on Mother's Day. I have been working with her on school projects for about 3 years now and our friendship blossomed from that work. We work together so well it's like we know what each other is going to do before we do it. So when I say she understands what I feel she really does. I didn't think two people with the same personality could get along as well as we do. Our conversation starting steering towards how unhappy I've been the last 6 months and the changes I'm making to myself to get better. She asked me directly what I thought might be affecting me. I hesitated for a moment and a rush of wanting to dump all my drinking woes upon her swept over me like a tidal wave. I took a deep breath and decided to continue to keep my secret. I said "I know what the problem is and I'm working through it. I'm really not ready to talk about it" She said she was there for me and when I  was ready she would be there to listen. Had I told her, she would never judge me and think ill of me. It goes back to the  many times in the past I have told people I have a problem. For years I have openly told my 2 closest friends "I'm an alcoholic". I would say  "How could I not be. If you have to lie to your doctor when getting a physical then you are for all intent and purposes and Alcoholic." They would laugh with me and  agree saying they needed to quit as well. Well now here I am quitting....with their help of course.

This was a great week. I woke up every morning without a hangover. I made some amazing Jambalaya. Completed all my work outs...well I still have an 8 miler tomorrow. Which I'm running alone and looking forward too. Running gives me a chance to reflect and think. I will have 80 minutes to think about what my life will look like going forward.  

Day 5 The Devil and Angel

So I had to give in last night and take a Tylenol PM. I needed to get some sleep. I was still really restless but when I did wake up, I was able to fall back asleep quickly. The no sleep thing takes a toll on me. Cravings are a little harsh today. I get these twinges that surge through my body. I was sitting at lunch talking with a friend and all of a sudden I got this overwhelming urge to drink and started picturing myself pouring a glass of wine. Thinking about what would really happen if I had just a few glasses when I got home. I have to run tomorrow so I would drink that much..... It lingered for a moment then I shoved it back to the far reaches of my mind.  It's hard to get the thought out of my head I CAN NEVER DRINK AGAIN. I feel like I have a Devil on one shoulder and an Angel on the other. The Devil tells me just get through this phase and then you can try drinking again, this is only temporary, someday you will be retired on the beach with a drink in your hand. The Angel on the other hand is sad and pathetic trying to argue with the Devil saying you are done, there is no drinking in the future, you will have to stick to this path to be truly happy. I'm waiting for my Angel to get stronger. I know it will happen. The Devil will always be there. Everything I've read has told me he will forever sit on your shoulder.

Right now the Devil on my shoulder looks like this......

My Angel not as strong.........

Someday my Angel will look like this!

 Until that day I have to keep pushing the thoughts away and stick to my plan.

Day 4

Happy today to wake up feeling good in spite of a rough night. I was so tired from the previous nights lack of sleep I was in bed by 7:30. I woke up at 12:00am wide awake. I laid there for a half hour and thought maybe reading will help. I read until 2:30 put my book down and laid there again for another half hour. Not really thinking about much. Usually I can't sleep like this when I'm stressed or have a lot I'm balancing. I guess getting sober is a lot to balance when I think of it. I got up wrote an email to someone who needs to be volunteer trained (I'm sure she is going to look at the time the email was sent and wonder wtf.) and then went back to bed. Finally around 3:30 I think I feel asleep. 6:00am rolled up pretty fast.
I'm not complaining. I have had a full night sleep of 10 hours and woke up feeling like total crap after a night of drinking. I'm happy with the little sleep I got, I don't feel sick, head pounding, dehydrated and self pity.
Off to do Yoga! :)

Inner Clock

Yep it's 4:00 and my internal clock is saying where's my wine. The only trouble I had yesterday was my trip to the grocery. Actually I didn't even crave it. Today not the same time at all. I thought I should come and write a little to bring things back into perspective. I know it's going to be tough at first. I just need to get through this week. I know breaking the habit is going to take longer but hopefully the cravings will die back a bit. I drank some Hot Chocolate instead.

Happier Note, I was able to get in a 3 mile run and some strength training. The strength training was kind of a mistake. I came home and started in on all my Christmas decor, taking it down and getting it organized into neat little bins. I knew this was my plan today. It never occurred to me my strength training would be toning the same muscles I needed today going up and down the ladder, lifting, squatting. I'm so sore. I can't imagine what I'm going to be like tomorrow. Soccer's going to be tough.

Second night

So that didn't go so well. In my quest for Sobriety I have researched what could potentially happen when I quit drinking. I have quit before and only had irritable moods. I assumed this time would be different considering the amount of alcohol I have been consuming on a daily basis. Occasionally I would have a night when I wouldn't drink but would go through my usual routine of walking up at 2:00am to pee (a habit I picked up from nightly feedings and never seemed to get rid of) another toss about at 5:00 when my Husband woke up. Of course I have had my fair share of insomnia during heavy drinking nights. They would make me insane. Usually because unless I got a good night sleep the alcohol in my system was still going to be there in the morning......and it wouldn't feel good.
So last night I was reading a really great book. More about that later. I could not go to sleep. Finally I turned off the light at 11:30 knowing I had to get up and run in 5 hours. My mind was like a roller coaster. Thoughts were jumbled and unclear. I couldn't concentrate on anything a trick I had taught myself for those drunken insomnia nights. It was weird how my mind felt like it was clicking almost like someone had the remote to my brain and was searching through the menu to no avail. At 1:00am I received a text from my running partner and she was having trouble sleeping  also. Yay. Even though I was having a terrible night I told myself I was committed to following through with my running schedule. I text her back and said I was still wide awake and could run on my own later in the day. Then my daughter scared the whole crap out of me....she came in to tell me her alarm wasn't working and needed me to wake her up. I thanked her for the heads up and shooed her back to bed. What little bit of sleepiness I had had totally gone away. I think sometime around 3:00am I fell asleep propping a pillow over my exposed ear. I love Ian to death but that man can snore. Another thing Alcohol is good at masking. Finally I was in the deepest sleep and my alarm went off. Nooooooo! I'm exhausted and swimming in a pool of sweat, fabulous. Nothing a shower and a good cup of coffee can't fix.
The best part is I'm not hungover. Normally I would be talking to myself trying to figure out how I was going to maneuver through the day. I would be downing orange juice, banana and coffee. My go to hangover cure. Convincing myself the more I move around the quicker the hangover would go away. I never, except the occasional Sunday, ever drank to rid myself of a hangover. I always told myself that was the true sign of an Alcoholic. HA.....reality, having the hangover in the first place was the true sign.

Jan 2

Went for an 8 mile walk with my Friend Vanessa. It was amazing. The sun poked through the clouds it wasn't raining although 45 felt like 38 up that high. We had a great talk about what I'm going through and she is determined to help me. We have establish a Sunday walk routine to take place of our usually Monday night Happy Hours. What a great friend.
Had a little trouble at the store on my way home. I realized the Rose Bowl is today....Go Ducks. Supporting our local team. My heart kinda sank a little thinking I'm going to be watching the game without a beverage......While walking around the store I just kept reminding myself I want to work out tomorrow, I volunteer all day at the kids school and I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow. Plus this is something I need to get used to. I feel better now. I bought a stuff for a really nice dinner, I got in my exercise for the day, I just need to take my 10min of reflection.
I didn't drink yesterday so I'm on day 2.....YAY