Yesterday I reach a weird place with my mom but first let me give you an update as to where we are.
Today will be day 3 of no food and water. She seems to be in more pain but is quickly sated with
morphine. She is looking at us unable to talk but occasionally I can see she understands what we are saying and asking. My dad and I spent many hours yesterday holding her hand and sitting by her bedside. I found myself watching every breath for changes and analysing each minute detail of her face and hand. The pain of loss was slipping away and slowly replaced with gratitude that I'm here and can be with her. Of course when she finally passes I sure the pain will resurface and I will go through the loss all over again. But this morning I woke up with a sense of relief knowing we are doing everything we can to make her comfortable and when she decides to go, I will have no regrets and closure is in my heart.
Part of this I think is due to reading and researching what is happening. I have been waiting for the inevitable for so long I forgot to just look and understand the process of death. This is natural (not her means of dying) but the events that are taking placing...not eating, rapid breathing, her body shutting down like someone going through the house, turning off the lights one by one. Eventually she will be on the porch, ready to leave. She will turn the last light off, close the door and walk away. I find solace that all the pain she used to drink and make herself sick will be gone. She will be at peace and able to let go of what destroyed her life. My family will be able to move forward and stop worrying about her. My Dad hopefully will find a new chapter and be able to visit me and see my home. There is as much good with her passing as bad. I guess that's the realization I had yesterday.
I want to thank all the people who took the time after their loved one passed to write down the events that took place. It's hard watching this process but knowing step by step where she is, makes me more comfortable. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know her not eating or drinking isn't my fault. I know she will pass and all the I's are dotted and T's crossed. I can leave here knowing I made the right choices. I can leave guilt free, well educated, and at peace with myself.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Where have I been?
There are many times in my life that events have transpired or occurred as a result of making the right decision. Most people chalk it up to fate, divine intervention etc. Not sure where I stand on both of those but I have always felt most of my so called "luck" was a result of my over analysing everything and having plan A,B, and C on deck at all times.
I started this blog 10 months ago with the premise I needed to stop sliding down the slippery slope of Alcoholism. All my thoughts where about fixing myself and healing whatever I had inside me that caused me to drink. I feel I'm still challenging myself to figure out what it is I'm hanging on to that makes me self destructive. So without sounding cliche' and saying "all things happen for a reason", in this case I think it did.
I have just spent 5 weeks of my life coming to grips with the fact my mom has finally done it. She finally drank enough to kill herself. Sept 24th I received a call from my Dad. My heart always races when my Dad calls me, he never calls unless it's something bad with my mom. He told me that he just admitted my mom to the hospital. She had 3 blood vessels rupture in her esophagus and she was bleeding out. She was in a coma like state due to the lose of blood and ammonia levels. Since that call I have been by herside for most of the 5 weeks.
10 years ago she had seizures due to drinking. She recovered but was left with damage to her brain from the high levels of ammonia that had built up. She went to recovery for 28days and then home. She did well for a few months then I could tell the drinking had started again. It broke my heart back then and I cycled through what was all stages of loss. I knew there was going to be the day that I would get a call again. Living so far away there wasn't much I could do. Now knowing the mind of an addict, I could have lived next door and it wouldn't have made a difference. You always process guilt, thinking I could have done more but honestly I know that's not true.
So processing all the stages of loss again in my mind, Anger seems to be the one that surfaces the most. I am truly at acceptance and I have been for a long time knowing she wasn't going to stop and the end would happen sooner or later. But the anger that is still lingering is difficult to deal with. I stare at her for longs periods of time while she sleeps restlessly in bed, wanting to shake her and yell "is this what you wanted" "was drinking worth it?"The only answer is my own thoughts of "no, it's not"....."life is worth it, my kids and my husband are worth it".
Divine intervention, fate, luck...whatever happened to make me sober this year I'm thankful. I don't know if I would have had an A-Ha moment through this or if this would have been my crutch to continue drinking. All I know for certain is being sober I'm able to look with eyes wide open and know this is not what I want for me.
I started this blog 10 months ago with the premise I needed to stop sliding down the slippery slope of Alcoholism. All my thoughts where about fixing myself and healing whatever I had inside me that caused me to drink. I feel I'm still challenging myself to figure out what it is I'm hanging on to that makes me self destructive. So without sounding cliche' and saying "all things happen for a reason", in this case I think it did.
I have just spent 5 weeks of my life coming to grips with the fact my mom has finally done it. She finally drank enough to kill herself. Sept 24th I received a call from my Dad. My heart always races when my Dad calls me, he never calls unless it's something bad with my mom. He told me that he just admitted my mom to the hospital. She had 3 blood vessels rupture in her esophagus and she was bleeding out. She was in a coma like state due to the lose of blood and ammonia levels. Since that call I have been by herside for most of the 5 weeks.
10 years ago she had seizures due to drinking. She recovered but was left with damage to her brain from the high levels of ammonia that had built up. She went to recovery for 28days and then home. She did well for a few months then I could tell the drinking had started again. It broke my heart back then and I cycled through what was all stages of loss. I knew there was going to be the day that I would get a call again. Living so far away there wasn't much I could do. Now knowing the mind of an addict, I could have lived next door and it wouldn't have made a difference. You always process guilt, thinking I could have done more but honestly I know that's not true.
So processing all the stages of loss again in my mind, Anger seems to be the one that surfaces the most. I am truly at acceptance and I have been for a long time knowing she wasn't going to stop and the end would happen sooner or later. But the anger that is still lingering is difficult to deal with. I stare at her for longs periods of time while she sleeps restlessly in bed, wanting to shake her and yell "is this what you wanted" "was drinking worth it?"The only answer is my own thoughts of "no, it's not"....."life is worth it, my kids and my husband are worth it".
Divine intervention, fate, luck...whatever happened to make me sober this year I'm thankful. I don't know if I would have had an A-Ha moment through this or if this would have been my crutch to continue drinking. All I know for certain is being sober I'm able to look with eyes wide open and know this is not what I want for me.
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