A different mindset today

Yesterday I reach a weird place with my mom but first let me give you an update as to where we are.

Today will be day 3 of no food and water. She seems to be in more pain but is quickly sated with
morphine. She is looking at us unable to talk but occasionally I can see she understands what we are saying and asking. My dad and I spent many hours yesterday holding her hand and sitting by her bedside. I found myself watching every breath for changes and analysing each minute detail of her face and hand. The pain of loss was slipping away and slowly replaced with gratitude that I'm here and can be with her. Of course when she finally passes I sure the pain will resurface and I will go through the loss all over again. But this morning I woke up with a sense of relief knowing we are doing everything we can to make her comfortable and when she decides to go, I will have no regrets and closure is in my heart.

Part of this I think is due to reading and researching what is happening. I have been waiting for the inevitable for so long I forgot to just look and understand the process of death. This is natural (not her means of dying) but the events that are taking placing...not eating, rapid breathing, her body shutting down like someone going through the house, turning off the lights one by one. Eventually she will be on the porch, ready to leave. She will turn  the last light off, close the door and walk away. I find solace that all the pain she used to drink and make herself sick will be gone. She will be at peace and able to let go of what destroyed her life. My family will be able to move forward and stop worrying about her. My Dad hopefully will find a new chapter and be able to visit me and see my home. There is as much good with her passing as bad. I guess that's the realization I had yesterday.

I want to thank all the people who took the time after their loved one passed to write down the events that took place. It's hard watching this process but knowing step by step where she is, makes me more comfortable. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know her not eating or drinking isn't my fault. I know she will pass and all the I's are dotted and T's crossed. I can leave here knowing I made the right choices. I can leave guilt free, well educated, and at peace with myself.