Beautiful Weekend

OMG it was a beautiful weekend. Saturday I went for a 20 mile run, came back with only 15 under my belt. I rolled my ankle in Soccer Wed and it still was achy and having some issues. The morning was still covered in fog but by the time I took my daughter to soccer the sun was out and stayed out all weekend (a novelty in the PNW in April). I spent most of the day Saturday and Sunday in my yard. It's hard not to get the planting bug. I want to get out there and start adding flowers. There is still frost warnings until the end of May so I don't want to get to excited. I have done that in the past and most end up dying.

So I only thought about drinking a hundred times this weekend. It helped to stay busy and being out in the sun lifted my spirits. I think the hardest day was yesterday. I used to love drinking a beer while I worked in the yard. However, I remember as the day would progress I would get a really good buzz going and I would end up doing something really stupid like start talking to my neighbors. I would always wake up the next day wondering if they could tell how drunk I was. Most would say they didn't even notice. They were either lying or I was really able to handle a large amount of alcohol. OH wait....it was probably both LOL

Saturday night it was nice to sit with the neighbors, me sober and talk. We gathered our chairs, combined efforts for dinner and sat until the sun went down. The kids playing and running up and down the streets. I woke up on Sunday feeling great and ready for another productive day.

Seasonal change

I'm starting to make plans and fill my summer calendar. It seems crazy I would need to start this early, but things like camping, races and such need to be planned out or you will never go. My friend called me to talk about Hood to Coast. This is one of my favorite summer runs. I have talked about the relay in previous blogs but just to recap it's a 12 man relay over 200 miles. On paper it sounds crazy but it's the most motivating thing I do all year. Being in a van for 30 hours straight with people cheering you on, telling you how awesome you are, and sharing stories from the years running schedule is just about the most positive place you can be. At the end of the Relay they have a huge party with a beer garden that takes up an acre. When we come in and finish the relay, we take a Team photo and head straight to the beer garden. My friend and husband are there waiting for me (having been there a while) and ready to play. Even though they have usually had a few by the time I get there, my lack of sleep and pure exhaustion allows for me to become assimilated quickly with just one beer. We stay for a while usually having a few more, then find some place to eat. By then my head is usually about to hit the table and we head to the hotel room and I sleep the best sleep I will have for the entire year.

The following day we rise, shower and head for breakfast. After eating nothing but bagels, cream cheese, Gatorade and beef jerky I'm ready for a full blown breakfast. We see a lot of teams at breakfast that morning. Some walking normal others listing about sore from their experience and lack of training. I'm happy to say I'm no longer sore after Hood to coast. We all get a round of bloody Mary's to start the day. This is the prelude to the events that will take place for the rest of the day. There's not much to do in Seaside but drink and shop which we do for the remainder of our stay. After running 17 miles I can pretty much sit in a bar guilt free eating everything fried or on a bun.

So what does it mean this year. As I was talking with my friend thoughts flicked to "well if I just drank that night that would be okay" Justifying my actions over and over in my head. Then I started feeling guilty for even thinking that. This event is still 3 months away and I'm putting energy toward what's right and wrong. Self Pity sets in because it's not fair. This all took place in less than  15secs.

This is just part of the process of me coming to terms with my sober life. Sober people (truly sober people) never even think twice about such things. Every month I'm needing drinking less and less. There are about 100 obstacles still in my way even before we get to this particular event. All will be challenging and push my conviction to the edge of the cliff where I stand, toes dangling, staring down at the drink I once consumed without even a thought.

Wednesday's Thoughts

It's weird sometimes to think I don't drink any more. It used to be the thought of not drinking was hard to grasp. I used to ask myself "how could I go a night without alcohol" What would I do? Well it seems I do the same things just without a drink in my hand and I feel a hell of a lot better for it. I still miss the social piece, the occasional Sunday afternoon drink. It's hard to picture what this summer is going to be like. My favorite time to park the chair in the driveway, soak up some sun and have a glass of wine.
 I'm not feeling as much self pity these days about not drinking because I feel the benefits of being sober everyday. I don't feel tethered to the detailed planning of drinking. Yes there is a plan. I couldn't go out to dinner without a plan of drinking....who will drive, how many can I drink and how much will I need when I get home, what do I have going on tomorrow do I need to make sure I don't over drink, do I have enough Gatorade at home to hydrate.
 The freedom of not having to constantly be planning for drinking is huge. When you are drinking everyday you don't realize how much effort and planning went into your habit. Not that I'm utilizing my recovered time to get more done. That is one thing I can say about drinking. When I would get a few in me I could get a lot done.
Thoughts creep in and out of my head through out the day but they have definitely changed to more an epiphany of "wow" how deep I really was into drinking. Amazed at the balancing I did to make sure I could drink on a regular basis.

It's nice to have my mind and body back in total control.

Easter Day

I'm finding I need this blog less and less as time goes on. At this point living sober is not an extreme event it's becoming more and more part of my life. I still have thoughts about "am I done with Alcohol forever" is there a day that maybe some day I will take a drink?

Easter day like all holidays have been fueled by alcohol. I would usually get up and get our dinner going and sometime around 12:00 I would start drinking. I usually would stick to beer because I knew I would be drinking all day and drinking wine (which I preferred) would put me close the the edge of sloppiness to quickly. We would eat and then gather outside for our coveted egg hunt. If it was sunny we would hide eggs for each other until the shells finally came off . There were always some that never made it back into the house and became food for some creature in the back yard.

I wouldn't say it was hard this year being sober, just different. I made Brunch instead of Dinner and I still looked forward to hiding eggs. It was fun but I could feel the difference in the level of excitement on my part. Alcohol always make the silliest things, like hiding Easter eggs more exciting and fun. We went a few rounds enjoying the sun but I quickly lost interest. My heart just wasn't into it. In fact the whole day I felt quite out of sorts. I wasn't really in the mood to entertain and had my present company had other places to go I probably would have opted out of Brunch all together.

 When you are drinking it's almost like time doesn't exist and you can sit and have the most compelling conversations. Sober I feel like conversations are hard and don't have a natural flow. This isn't in everyday life. But in everyday the conversations are usually around the task at hand. I need to find my place in this sober social circle, reinvent my social character as it were. I know it will come with time, but I think this is the negative stereo type you hear about when Sober people attend the party. They're boring, or "they just don't get what I'm saying". I'm not standing around brooding about not drinking, in fact I really only thought of it a few times. I'm just having a hard time feeling the same intense emotion about the topic of conversation that usually comes while drinking. I notice and feel time clicking by.

I have many more events coming up this year where the dynamic of me being sober will change things. Once this year is done and I'm finally past all the social settings where alcohol played such a key role I hoping to finally find my comfort zone.

101 days Sober :)

We are our own worst enemy

Your mind is not a simple place to live. “There are many things you can avoid in life but you can’t avoid yourself”. This was spoken to me by a friend who battled severe depression and was able to finally identify and heal herself. We were discussing, why is it so impossible to correct ones behaviors when you know it is physically or mental destroying you and all around you. Why is the answer so clear to others but not to you? Is it we don’t really see the problem or we choose not to deal with it. What is your own personal trigger to finally make you change? Is it when you get a DUI (what if you killed someone first and never got the DUI)? What number on the scale finally convinces you that you need to lose weight?  Is it waiting until your life is half over before you decide to seek counseling (had you gone to counseling earlier you could be living the life you are so desperately seeking)

I knew for a long time I had a problem but I was able to keep within the acceptable social parameters. Finally it was grossly apparent I was no longer maintaining social standards so I knew I needed to change. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t like the fact I couldn’t do what I love most, but the alternative was not an option. My family was too important to me. Was my family the only leverage my mind needed to pry open my eyes and finally look in the mirror. Why wasn’t my own self worth enough?

I’m perplexed even in the face of my own addiction the inability people have to not see the writing on the wall. This isn’t just in addiction, this is in many ways we approach life. It makes me sad to have people close to me who don’t see themselves with enough self-worth so they continue toward self –destruction. Not caring about the wake of loss they leave in their path.  

We are our own worst enemy and the battle to do what’s right by our bodies and our lives will always be hard. But there is support and people who rely on you as friends and family and that should be enough leverage to do the right thing.