A different mindset today

Yesterday I reach a weird place with my mom but first let me give you an update as to where we are.

Today will be day 3 of no food and water. She seems to be in more pain but is quickly sated with
morphine. She is looking at us unable to talk but occasionally I can see she understands what we are saying and asking. My dad and I spent many hours yesterday holding her hand and sitting by her bedside. I found myself watching every breath for changes and analysing each minute detail of her face and hand. The pain of loss was slipping away and slowly replaced with gratitude that I'm here and can be with her. Of course when she finally passes I sure the pain will resurface and I will go through the loss all over again. But this morning I woke up with a sense of relief knowing we are doing everything we can to make her comfortable and when she decides to go, I will have no regrets and closure is in my heart.

Part of this I think is due to reading and researching what is happening. I have been waiting for the inevitable for so long I forgot to just look and understand the process of death. This is natural (not her means of dying) but the events that are taking placing...not eating, rapid breathing, her body shutting down like someone going through the house, turning off the lights one by one. Eventually she will be on the porch, ready to leave. She will turn  the last light off, close the door and walk away. I find solace that all the pain she used to drink and make herself sick will be gone. She will be at peace and able to let go of what destroyed her life. My family will be able to move forward and stop worrying about her. My Dad hopefully will find a new chapter and be able to visit me and see my home. There is as much good with her passing as bad. I guess that's the realization I had yesterday.

I want to thank all the people who took the time after their loved one passed to write down the events that took place. It's hard watching this process but knowing step by step where she is, makes me more comfortable. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know her not eating or drinking isn't my fault. I know she will pass and all the I's are dotted and T's crossed. I can leave here knowing I made the right choices. I can leave guilt free, well educated, and at peace with myself.

Where have I been?

There are many times in my life that events have transpired or occurred as a result of  making the right decision. Most people chalk it up to fate, divine intervention etc. Not sure where I stand on both of those but I have always felt most of my so called "luck" was a result of my over analysing everything and having plan A,B, and C on deck at all times.

I started this blog 10 months ago with the premise I needed to stop sliding down the slippery slope of Alcoholism. All my thoughts where about fixing myself and healing whatever I had inside me that caused me to drink. I feel I'm still challenging myself to figure out what it is I'm hanging on to that makes me self destructive. So without sounding cliche' and saying "all things happen for a reason", in this case I think it did.

I have just spent 5 weeks of my life coming to grips with the fact my mom has finally done it. She finally drank enough to kill herself. Sept 24th I received a call from my Dad. My heart always races when my Dad calls me, he never calls unless it's something bad with my mom. He told me that he just admitted my mom to the hospital. She had 3 blood vessels rupture in her esophagus and she was bleeding out. She was in a coma like state due to the lose of blood and ammonia levels. Since that call I have been by herside for most of the 5 weeks.

10 years ago she had seizures due to drinking. She recovered but was left with damage to her brain from the high levels of ammonia that had built up. She went to recovery for 28days and then home. She did well for a few months then I could tell the drinking had started again. It broke my heart back then and I cycled through what was all stages of loss. I knew there was going to be the day that I would get a call again. Living so far away there wasn't much I could do. Now knowing the mind of an addict, I could have lived next door and it wouldn't have made a difference. You always process guilt, thinking I could have done more but honestly I know that's not true.

So processing all the stages of loss again in my mind, Anger seems to be the one that surfaces the most. I am truly at acceptance and I have been for a long time knowing she wasn't going to stop and the end would happen sooner or later. But the anger that is still lingering is difficult to deal with. I stare at her for longs periods of time while she sleeps restlessly in bed, wanting to shake her and yell "is this what you wanted" "was drinking worth it?"The only answer is my own thoughts of "no, it's not"....."life is worth it, my kids and my husband are worth it".

Divine intervention, fate, luck...whatever happened to make me sober this year I'm thankful. I don't know if I would have had an A-Ha moment through this or if this would have been my crutch to continue drinking. All I know for certain is being sober I'm able to look with eyes wide open and know this is not what I want for me.

Begining to Marathon

So I'm kinda done talking about drinking for a while. I just sick of thinking about it and mulling it over in my mind. You would think after 9 months I would be past all the poor me stages and moved on to how INCREDIBLY GREAT I feel. Which I love, but I would also love to....occasionally.....sit and have a glass of wine and enjoy the end of the day as well, which I miss most of all. So we are going to move on to my next focus

So lets flash back to the beginning of the year.........

January 1st I set some goals one being loosing weight. I was hoping to drop down to 165 by March. Well that didn't happen. While I'm still really close.....only 4 pounds to go on a bad day and 3 pounds on a good day. It has proved to be harder than I thought. My metabolism was wrecked due to drinking. Cross training and diet have proven to be very effective in the last few months. I am inches away from a 10. I can fit into a 10 just not quite comfortable yet. With this last bit of weight and cross training my legs are feeling strong.

My other goal was to complete the Walt Disney World Goofy Challenge. I was really hoping to be healed and my mileage a lot higher (an easy 13 miles under my belt). Well, I'm starting off behind the eight ball with only an 8 mile base and my heel is only "sore" on a good day. But this is my goal and I'm not finishing the year until I'm holding at least 2 medals in my hand from the Half Marathon and the Full Marathon. In order to hold the all three I have to finish the Marathon in 5 hours. Which if I was totally healed, this conversation would not even be note worthy. However.......we will need to see if the stars will align for me or at what breaking point will I reach in Pain tolerance. I made it through two labors and delivery so I'm thinking how bad can this be.

This is the final stage of my first year of sobriety. 16 weeks, 517 training miles, 32 hours of strength training will hopefully get me these 3 Medals...........
 

                    

Haven't written in a while but I'm still here.

I can't remember the last post. It's not that I don't need to post or don't think about drinking. It's unfortunately in my thoughts everyday. I think I'm hitting that next phase of "is this really for the rest of life?" I continue to questions why me? Why do I have to be different. There are so many things that come easy for me or with work I can achieve, so why does this obstacle hang in front of me like a giant swinging pendant ready to knock off my narrow bridge.

Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the smells and the feeling of cold coming. Warmth, comfort and the colors of Fall surround me. While I was shopping the other day, I walked past a new beer from Bridgeport Brewing. It was called Wicked a seasonal beer laced with spice. I felt a jump of excitement and out of habit I reached for it suddenly realizing I couldn't take it home. The utter disappointment at the moment was disheartening. Some one could have slapped me and it would have had less impact then that feeling of disappointment.

Try, want, just a little, one glass, why me, is on an endless play list in my head. The summer wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but this fall is going to prove a little more challenging.

8 months, 11 days

In spite being hurt and I was able to finish all 3 of my legs for Ragnar Relay. I love Hood to Coast and it will always be near and dear but this Relay was so amazing. The weather, the scenery, and the team were incredible. As one day blends with the next, exhaustion starts to take it's toll. You become silly and a different sort of energy comes to the table. It's hard to see but we are all wearing Goatee's made of fur from a hat we found in a small fishing town in the Puget Sound. The goatee's were inspired by Jay who by the end of the relay we referred to as Jayhab. He is an Alaskan Fisherman and he was gracious enough to donate his beautiful home so the 12 of us could eat and sleep (?) through the relay.

My running partner and I had a great time. It takes a special someone to be with for 30 hours with little sleep pushing your body to the ultimate end and still be happy. Runners are truly crazy and I love to be around them.

The only sad part of the whole trip was not drinking. We finished the relay came back to the house and everyone was helping with dinner, drinking wine and relaxing. I was the only one not participating. No one said anything or asked but it was probably the most awkward I have felt in a while. Nobody would have said anything to me or would have known it wasn't right for me to have a glass. The pressure of wanting to relax with a glass in hand, the taste of wine swirling around in my mouth and knowing it would have been the perfect end to a very hard long 30 hours, was almost to much to handle. This is the comfort of being around people who know  what I'm are going through. I would have never even considered it had I been around the people who are supporting me through this first year.

Alas, I stayed strong. The thought of having one only leads to the thoughts of having another. I was in awe the whole time watching people during the weekend drink. Everyone kept making comments about only having one beer or one glass. The fact that I was fixated on this still tells me I don't have normal thoughts around alcohol. I could never just have one that's just silly.

Looking forward to Hood to Coast. It's going to be another challenge. This has always been a huge drink fest for me. But like everything this year I'm learning to do the things I love without alcohol.

Practice makes perfect........proud to say 207 days sober

Rewards for the non-drinker

The hardest piece to overcome not drinking is my use of time. I find myself walking around the house or yard looking for things to do. My list of projects is long and I have plenty to do, but I find myself unable to get started. I would use drinking as a way to motivate myself. I wouldn't allow myself to sit or have a glass of wine until I completed the project for the day. I was rewarding myself with Alcohol. Completed housework= glass of wine, total win win. So I find myself without the reward or incentive. I can see what I need to do, but I feel overwhelmed and unable to see the beginning and work towards an end. Maybe because with house work there is no end. Cleaning the house while kids are home is like trying to swim up stream tethered to a rock. Rewarding myself with Wine was a way to get past the mundane, consistency of housework.

So what do I do going forward. I'm still learning to do everything without alcohol. Practice and understanding are keys to success. I understand my struggles. I've gone back to pining for alcohol for a brief moment. I know it's because  of the increased amount of down time I have right now. I'm continually reminding myself to relax and enjoy not being busy. Resist the urge to pile more on my plate that keeps me from doing the things around the house I need to get down. This has always been my go to solution.

Right now my rewards are sitting in the sun guilt free. If I work hard and get things done around the house I will allow myself to sit for a moment and read my book. Guilt free, is there such a thing for a stay at home mom.

What happens in the family stays in the family

So my brother is going throug a rough time. Unfortunatley it's his creation but I feel bad all the same. My last post probably sounded angry and more like venting than sharing my trials with Alcohol. As I step farther away from drinking I'm realizing what alcohol brings to table. Even if its good times and everything is happy you are changing the way you perceive the world around you. You are looking through a different set of glasses. Which is why it's so appealing. It gives you a mental vacation. If you take a vacation long enough you stop being adept at resolving the tougher times in life. The emotions of everyday life become overwhelming. You can't handle dealing with day to day so you saturate it with a good dose of numbness while your problems become larger and your self depricating increases. I was talking to my sister-n-law about my brother and while Alcohol isn't the main factor with what my Brother needs to address, I think it's a good part of why he acts the way he does. He hasn't allowed himself to clear his mind of all the emotional build up of past years. Everytime he starts to feel bad about himself he puts on the protective coating which drinking gives you. My other Brother asked me if he was drinking. I told him I don't think I could tell over the phone if he was. That is something we both had in common, we drank a lot but rarely were we sloppy.  He says he isn't right now. He talked with my mom and texted me if "she" was drinking again. He sounded shocked by how incoherant  she was and how she skipped from topic to topic. My mom still has her own battles she's fighting and will probably fight until she dies. I responded to my brother that she has been like this for years with good days and bad. If he had talked to her in the past 3 years on the phone he would have known that. That was probably an unfair jab, but I'm done holding punches. I know he hasn't talked to my mom for 3 years because he doesn't want to face what she's done to herself. He doesn't want to look in the mirror. I looked long and hard into the mirror and finally had the strength to make the change. I texted him back stating "It was sad but it is what it is now. That's why I stopped drinking because I don't want my kids to have the same conversation about me" He texted back "ya, I'm glad I quit too"

He's got a long road ahead if he thinks not drinking for 2 weeks is quitting...............


I haven't quit drinking, I just stopped pouring myself a glass of wine.

What does your footprint look like?

There is so much talk about our carbon footprint and what we are doing to the earth. What about our social foot print. The foot print we leave on the individuals who will guide us into the future and make a difference between social success or community failure. 
Our social footprint seems to be a real problem. Raising children to become responsible, self aware and caring individuals. I often hear people blaming others or situations for their problems. What happen to ownership and integrity. When something goes wrong in my life I don't look around me for people to blame. I don't say I'm an alcoholic because someone or something did me wrong. I'm a alcoholic becasue I like to drink and I drink a lot. My mom is an alcoholic but she didn't pour me drinks for the last 16 years that was me!
We have all had our fair share of shit parenting, bad choices, and struggles. As a parent I'm sure I'm making decisions that would cause any counselor to flip in his chair.  In general the bad things that happen to us are products of decisions we made and if you trace back to the begining of a situation, you can usually find the fork in the road where "you" made the wrong turn. Why is it so hard to say "I F @#*'d up", that was my fault. What happened to the golden rule. I hear people say "well you did that to me" or "other people do it all the time". If you don't like the way someone treated you then why would you turn around an exhibit the same behavior. It's like not tipping a waitress, do you really think she is reflecting on herself or her performance? No, she just thinks your an asshole because you didn't tip. She isn't associated her performance with tips. She's thinking about how she's going to make rent.
I cut kids a break. We are the ones who should be guiding them and teaching them they are not the victim. Everyone has a chance to make a positive choice. Our actions, even the smallest are huge. My daughter asked me once while we were on a hike why I kept picking up debris on a trail. I told her because that's our job and responsiblity. When something doesn't go her way, I tell her it was her decision and we all make choices, she just happened to make the wrong one.
Making bad decisions is part of life. We learn most from things we failed at. Failure can define us in a positive way, changing our coarse in life to move in a direction that supports and reflects success or you can let it define you negatively and you can pine for the rest of your life in search of who to blame.

Only sadness today

Today I learned a gentleman, who I don't know well, but have been working with on a project, decided to kill himself. Because of my unfamiliarity with him I'm trying to figure out why this is bothering me so deeply. I feel like a huge stone block hit me in the chest. Of course I would be sad to hear about anyone wether I knew them well or not would resort to such actions. But having sat in the same room and talked with him a few times it's hard to believe this is real.

I met him last year at a community event. He is a volunteer Fire Fighter for the local station. He seemed nice and gentle. Always with a smile and a passion about the community he worked in. This year I have been working with him more closely, seeing him at monthly meetings and the same comminity event. He just accepted a Leadership role in the Fire dept. Talking with him and seeing him you would never get the impression he had anything wrong beyond the normalcy of life. I don't think I'm alone when I say "he is the last person on earth who I would think could do this"

Of course I'm not privy to the intamacies of his personal life but to give up your life and a life with your daughter you had to be sitting with some pretty evil demons. There are always options and choices. You can always change your life and make it better. So it saddens me to great depths that this person would choose death as an option.  I have been thinking about all the damage and hurt this action will create in his families and daughters life. Leaving them to always wonder what they could have done to help.

There is nothing others can do when someone is on a path of self destruction. You can try and help or push them with counsel but they are the ones who need to decide to change. It doesn't matter what it is, addiction, weight, job, life.... if the person can't see themselves better they will never get better. My heart aches for his family and his daughter who will continue for the rest of her life trying to figure out my she wasn't important enough to make a difference. That's not fair to her. My heart also aches for him because he felt there was no other choice.

I'm glad I chose to make my life better. I never want my family to have to try and understand why I didn't think they were worth it.


170 days sober

Doing Great

I enjoyed reading my last post and realized how long it's been since written. I haven't abandoned my Sobriety, although as the weather improves and the days are growing warmer, old habits of hanging in the front or back yard with a glass of wine are proving to be challenging.
I'm over the cravings and in fact I'm now in the "scared shitless to take a drink phase". I don't think I could drink even if I wanted to. It's like when you get sick eating your favorite food and while you have memories of it being good the thought turns your stomach. OR I should say the idea of waking up hung over isn't worth it.
I'm not sure if you still understand the habit of doing something vs the craving. My cravings are gone but the lingering habit of this is what you do....this is what you've always done, still sits fore front in my mind. Lucky for me I haven't had to change my life too much. I still attend gatherings. I still go with friends to have a drink, I still sit in the front yard with neighbors and talk as the kids race around the streets and we watch the sun go down. This is where I'm lucky and I know I am truly done with alcohol. I think their are a lot of people who feel they need it in their life to function. After 6 months I have been able to balance friends and a social schedule with out needing to drink.
I had a Bunco fundraiser at my house a few weeks ago. Of course you can't host a Bunco party with out Alcohol. Or at least I don't know of a dry Bunco party. I wasn't nervous about not drinking, more about being asked why I wasn't drinking. But about an hour into the party I quickly realized no one even noticed. I was busy with food and making sure everyone elses cocktail was filled. I mastered a mean Margarita with my brand new Blender, which for the first time was introduced to alcohol since I bought it. I did have one clear onset of panic with the first Margarita I made. I realized OMG I can't taste it. which any person would do before passing it on the drinker. I quickly became flustered about what to do. Luckily my wing man that night jumped in and tasted it for me. Which I felt bad because she didn't want to drink either, but she totally saved me. I can't describe the caos in my head when I went to put the spoon to my mouth as habit. A huge alarm went off telling me NOOOOOO! Now that one taste wouldn't have killed me and it wouldn't have set me drinking again. But how much alcohol does it take to realign all the craving triggers in my brain. I didn't even want to find out. I don't or can't risk going through that piece again. So fear is driving my sobriety right now which is just fine. I don't want to touch the stove and find out how hot it is. It's just not worth it.

Beautiful Weekend

OMG it was a beautiful weekend. Saturday I went for a 20 mile run, came back with only 15 under my belt. I rolled my ankle in Soccer Wed and it still was achy and having some issues. The morning was still covered in fog but by the time I took my daughter to soccer the sun was out and stayed out all weekend (a novelty in the PNW in April). I spent most of the day Saturday and Sunday in my yard. It's hard not to get the planting bug. I want to get out there and start adding flowers. There is still frost warnings until the end of May so I don't want to get to excited. I have done that in the past and most end up dying.

So I only thought about drinking a hundred times this weekend. It helped to stay busy and being out in the sun lifted my spirits. I think the hardest day was yesterday. I used to love drinking a beer while I worked in the yard. However, I remember as the day would progress I would get a really good buzz going and I would end up doing something really stupid like start talking to my neighbors. I would always wake up the next day wondering if they could tell how drunk I was. Most would say they didn't even notice. They were either lying or I was really able to handle a large amount of alcohol. OH wait....it was probably both LOL

Saturday night it was nice to sit with the neighbors, me sober and talk. We gathered our chairs, combined efforts for dinner and sat until the sun went down. The kids playing and running up and down the streets. I woke up on Sunday feeling great and ready for another productive day.

Seasonal change

I'm starting to make plans and fill my summer calendar. It seems crazy I would need to start this early, but things like camping, races and such need to be planned out or you will never go. My friend called me to talk about Hood to Coast. This is one of my favorite summer runs. I have talked about the relay in previous blogs but just to recap it's a 12 man relay over 200 miles. On paper it sounds crazy but it's the most motivating thing I do all year. Being in a van for 30 hours straight with people cheering you on, telling you how awesome you are, and sharing stories from the years running schedule is just about the most positive place you can be. At the end of the Relay they have a huge party with a beer garden that takes up an acre. When we come in and finish the relay, we take a Team photo and head straight to the beer garden. My friend and husband are there waiting for me (having been there a while) and ready to play. Even though they have usually had a few by the time I get there, my lack of sleep and pure exhaustion allows for me to become assimilated quickly with just one beer. We stay for a while usually having a few more, then find some place to eat. By then my head is usually about to hit the table and we head to the hotel room and I sleep the best sleep I will have for the entire year.

The following day we rise, shower and head for breakfast. After eating nothing but bagels, cream cheese, Gatorade and beef jerky I'm ready for a full blown breakfast. We see a lot of teams at breakfast that morning. Some walking normal others listing about sore from their experience and lack of training. I'm happy to say I'm no longer sore after Hood to coast. We all get a round of bloody Mary's to start the day. This is the prelude to the events that will take place for the rest of the day. There's not much to do in Seaside but drink and shop which we do for the remainder of our stay. After running 17 miles I can pretty much sit in a bar guilt free eating everything fried or on a bun.

So what does it mean this year. As I was talking with my friend thoughts flicked to "well if I just drank that night that would be okay" Justifying my actions over and over in my head. Then I started feeling guilty for even thinking that. This event is still 3 months away and I'm putting energy toward what's right and wrong. Self Pity sets in because it's not fair. This all took place in less than  15secs.

This is just part of the process of me coming to terms with my sober life. Sober people (truly sober people) never even think twice about such things. Every month I'm needing drinking less and less. There are about 100 obstacles still in my way even before we get to this particular event. All will be challenging and push my conviction to the edge of the cliff where I stand, toes dangling, staring down at the drink I once consumed without even a thought.

Wednesday's Thoughts

It's weird sometimes to think I don't drink any more. It used to be the thought of not drinking was hard to grasp. I used to ask myself "how could I go a night without alcohol" What would I do? Well it seems I do the same things just without a drink in my hand and I feel a hell of a lot better for it. I still miss the social piece, the occasional Sunday afternoon drink. It's hard to picture what this summer is going to be like. My favorite time to park the chair in the driveway, soak up some sun and have a glass of wine.
 I'm not feeling as much self pity these days about not drinking because I feel the benefits of being sober everyday. I don't feel tethered to the detailed planning of drinking. Yes there is a plan. I couldn't go out to dinner without a plan of drinking....who will drive, how many can I drink and how much will I need when I get home, what do I have going on tomorrow do I need to make sure I don't over drink, do I have enough Gatorade at home to hydrate.
 The freedom of not having to constantly be planning for drinking is huge. When you are drinking everyday you don't realize how much effort and planning went into your habit. Not that I'm utilizing my recovered time to get more done. That is one thing I can say about drinking. When I would get a few in me I could get a lot done.
Thoughts creep in and out of my head through out the day but they have definitely changed to more an epiphany of "wow" how deep I really was into drinking. Amazed at the balancing I did to make sure I could drink on a regular basis.

It's nice to have my mind and body back in total control.

Easter Day

I'm finding I need this blog less and less as time goes on. At this point living sober is not an extreme event it's becoming more and more part of my life. I still have thoughts about "am I done with Alcohol forever" is there a day that maybe some day I will take a drink?

Easter day like all holidays have been fueled by alcohol. I would usually get up and get our dinner going and sometime around 12:00 I would start drinking. I usually would stick to beer because I knew I would be drinking all day and drinking wine (which I preferred) would put me close the the edge of sloppiness to quickly. We would eat and then gather outside for our coveted egg hunt. If it was sunny we would hide eggs for each other until the shells finally came off . There were always some that never made it back into the house and became food for some creature in the back yard.

I wouldn't say it was hard this year being sober, just different. I made Brunch instead of Dinner and I still looked forward to hiding eggs. It was fun but I could feel the difference in the level of excitement on my part. Alcohol always make the silliest things, like hiding Easter eggs more exciting and fun. We went a few rounds enjoying the sun but I quickly lost interest. My heart just wasn't into it. In fact the whole day I felt quite out of sorts. I wasn't really in the mood to entertain and had my present company had other places to go I probably would have opted out of Brunch all together.

 When you are drinking it's almost like time doesn't exist and you can sit and have the most compelling conversations. Sober I feel like conversations are hard and don't have a natural flow. This isn't in everyday life. But in everyday the conversations are usually around the task at hand. I need to find my place in this sober social circle, reinvent my social character as it were. I know it will come with time, but I think this is the negative stereo type you hear about when Sober people attend the party. They're boring, or "they just don't get what I'm saying". I'm not standing around brooding about not drinking, in fact I really only thought of it a few times. I'm just having a hard time feeling the same intense emotion about the topic of conversation that usually comes while drinking. I notice and feel time clicking by.

I have many more events coming up this year where the dynamic of me being sober will change things. Once this year is done and I'm finally past all the social settings where alcohol played such a key role I hoping to finally find my comfort zone.

101 days Sober :)

We are our own worst enemy

Your mind is not a simple place to live. “There are many things you can avoid in life but you can’t avoid yourself”. This was spoken to me by a friend who battled severe depression and was able to finally identify and heal herself. We were discussing, why is it so impossible to correct ones behaviors when you know it is physically or mental destroying you and all around you. Why is the answer so clear to others but not to you? Is it we don’t really see the problem or we choose not to deal with it. What is your own personal trigger to finally make you change? Is it when you get a DUI (what if you killed someone first and never got the DUI)? What number on the scale finally convinces you that you need to lose weight?  Is it waiting until your life is half over before you decide to seek counseling (had you gone to counseling earlier you could be living the life you are so desperately seeking)

I knew for a long time I had a problem but I was able to keep within the acceptable social parameters. Finally it was grossly apparent I was no longer maintaining social standards so I knew I needed to change. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t like the fact I couldn’t do what I love most, but the alternative was not an option. My family was too important to me. Was my family the only leverage my mind needed to pry open my eyes and finally look in the mirror. Why wasn’t my own self worth enough?

I’m perplexed even in the face of my own addiction the inability people have to not see the writing on the wall. This isn’t just in addiction, this is in many ways we approach life. It makes me sad to have people close to me who don’t see themselves with enough self-worth so they continue toward self –destruction. Not caring about the wake of loss they leave in their path.  

We are our own worst enemy and the battle to do what’s right by our bodies and our lives will always be hard. But there is support and people who rely on you as friends and family and that should be enough leverage to do the right thing.

Subconscious Thinking

Early this morning I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real and when you wake up you were thankful that is wasn't. I don't know all the details but I was into a big project and when we finished (not sure who we was) we went back to the house. I was offered a beer and without thinking I drank it. I didn't have the swooning effects that alcohol gives you but I remember drinking one after another. During this time I didn't realize something was wrong. It felt normal and fine but I just remembered opening one beer after another and cans started piling up off to the side. We (again not really sure who we were) were laughing, talking and having a great time. Then my husband came in. He asked me what I was doing. It became crystal clear as to what was wrong. All my convictions were staring me in the face and I felt like a complete failure. I repeatedly tried to explain to him "they had handed me a beer and it didn't seem wrong", "I didn't realize what was happening". I just knew it was all because of that one beer. I remember feeling so much guilt and remorse during my dream. Trying to wish back that first beer, seeing the disappointment in my husband.

I awoke sleepily and laid there happy it was just a dream. It was an odd feeling to realize one beer means so much to me still. I know I can't have even just one. In reality I would never even start to drink now, but even though it was a dream the guilt felt so real. I'm glad I had the dream it's very clear to me what I would feel like if I decided to drink again.

It's easier to be healthy Sober

Doesn't that look Yummy. I'm sure some of you would think if it's green there has to be something in there the doesn't taste good. You couldn't be more wrong. It is sweet and has a tangy flavor.

I have found it so much easier to be healthy and eat right since I've stopped drinking. I used to eat the most horrible crap because I was hung over. Not just the calories from the alcohol but all the salty stuff I would eat to help tame the dehydration and sour stomach. McDonald's breakfast was my go to staple every morning. I would always tell myself "just eat the sausage McMuffin with egg" but eventually I would reach down and grab the hash brown.  Day after day. If I hadn't been running I would have been as large as a house.

My body is in great balance. I don't need or crave salt like I used too. I can wake up make a smoothie and be satisfied and actually feel good because of all the vitamins, fiber, and nutrients I'm getting. I'm controlling my portion sizes because my body isn't working overtime to purge itself from alcohol.

Green Super Smoothie

2 handfuls of spinach (baby preferred)
One banana
Frozen Peaches
Strawberries (any berries you add will change the color to not so green but still really yummy)
Juice (Pineapple, Orange, Guava, White Grape)
Vanilla yogurt or Vanilla Protein

This recipe is does not have exact quantities. I just put in what I have or think I would like. The other day I had left over fruit salad from dinner and through that in. There are plenty of recipes on-line for different types of smoothies. The spinach is what gives you the boost so don't change out that ingredient.

I have been eating this for breakfast for a few weeks and am totally hooked.

My new Koru Charm

I had posted at the early stages of my sobriety a picture of a bracelet I could wear to remind me of how close to the edge I was walking. It seems even more important I have this talisman to help me continue forward. The farther I get away from that time in my life, the more I forget what a deep hole I had put myself into. Its similar to child birth. The first time you are oblivious of the pain so you agree to subject your body to it. You have the baby and for the first few months you are constantly reminded of how freaking hard it was and the pain is forefront in your mind. Then about 18months later, after your body has put itself back together and the pain is a distance memory you decide that it sounds like a great idea again. Only to be in the middle of labor you start asking yourself why the hell you signed up twice. This is why we have only two children (that among other reasons like money)

I woke up this morning for the first time understanding and accepting that I'm sober. I know there will still be hard days and things will come up and my urges will tear at me. This morning I felt my new habit of sobriety has finally given way to my old habit of drinking. It's hard to explain but something just clicked. I don't feel the inner battle. I'm okay staying sober.......I just totally start crying. Apparently the relief is finally worth all the struggle. It only took 73 days.

I have chosen the symbol above instead of the bracelet. It is the Koru symbol from New Zealand. It represents the fern frond's new growth. Native Maori meaning represents spirit, tranquility and new growth or new beginnings. I thought this was more appropriate and encompasses my life right now and going forward. I'm hoping it will fit on the same necklace right next to my 26.2 charm. Both sobriety and marathons have a lot in common. They both take a lot of strength, endurance, and time.

Random thoughts of a very tired but sober person

We don't have many days especially in the spring when we wake to blue skies.74 and beautiful. I was incredibly busy again today...it has been like this for two and half weeks, but I had a chance to enjoy the sun for a while. I got a run in while my daughter was in Soccer. As I was running I came across a friend I don't get the chance to see very often. We were able to run together for about 2 miles and then we had to go our separate ways. I finished me daughters room and love the color. It's a Peacock blue. The house is almost in order just a few more things to gather up and take to Goodwill.

I'm exhausted. Plain and simple. I had a few times today when I thought about drinking. I think about drinking at the funniest times of day. Today I was driving home after my run and the thought popped in my head. It's like my body forgets and my mind quickly reminds it that we don't do that anymore. Tonight I was cleaning up the kitchen and bent over to pick up a sock (why was there a sock in the kitchen?) I suddenly remembered all the times my husband is out of town and how I used to drink because it would take away the anxiety of being alone at night. Or that's the excuse I gave myself. I'm fine and haven't drank even though he has been gone. It was just a funny thought that popped into my head. I was also intrigued at how soft my hair is right now. I'm eating better and drinking lots of water....it should be softer. I'm healthier.

I think that's about it for random thoughts. Everyone is in bed and I should be there as well. The rain will be back tomorrow...very sad but it was a wonderful day today.

Trading one drug for another

I had coffee with a friend today...actually my running partner. She is injured right now and can't run. She shared with me she is in a huge funk. She has no motivation, slightly depressed, and moody. Telling a runner that they can't run is like telling an alcoholic they can't drink. I know this because I'm both.

For a runner nothing is better than being on the road. Feeling your heart beat, having mental stillness footfall after footfall. You feel exhaustion, pain, and most of all you feel endorphins.

Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters.^[1] They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise,^[2] excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm,^[3][4] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being.

The last sentence is Key......they resemble opiates
Running is an addiction to me. I need it to sleep well, keep my sanity and I enjoy the depth of pain that my body can go through to complete a long run. If I don't run every few days I become edgy and antsy. I feel trapped or start to get into a Funk. I was so exhausted after last week and wasn't sure how I was going pull off 14 miles. But once I started running all the pressure of my tasks went away. The road became the serenity I had been desperately seeking all week. When I start to become busy, running is the first thing I take out of my schedule. I used to never have the same courtesy with alcohol. I could always fit that in or force it in more like it. Running is my new drug of choice right now and has been since I was a little kid.  Am I trading one drug for another? Some could argue Yes, but at least this is a healthier choice in life.

Devil on my shoulder

It's been a while since I blogged. Everyday I think about what I'm going to write and then the day goes by and I didn't get a chance. Which is why the Devil on my shoulder is back and pestering me about drinking. 

This weekend a dear sweet friend finally had to say good bye to her house. It makes me sad she has to give it up. She works hard and has made ends meet for years as a single mom. But unfortunately circumstances had changed enough that she needed to move on. Luckily she was able to find a buyer so she is doing everything the right way and maintaining her excellent credit. I helped her move all weekend making hard decisions of what to keep and what to get rid of. No matter where she goes she will need to downsize. So what does that have to do with me drinking......nothing and everything.
We started packing Friday night and then we moved and packed all day Saturday and Sunday. The physical work involved plus the emotional piece just sent off bells ringing in my head. I think about drinking everyday but this was the old urges coming back. I just wanted to sit down and have a glass or two of wine. I wanted to pop open a nice cold beer when I got home and veg out.
I started the round robin thinking of I can do this....It's just this once. Then after this weekend I will go back to being good. OVER and OVER and OVER this played in my mind. Finally I was in the car with my friend and told her I wanted to drink so bad.

What did my wonderful friend say to me.......It's just the weather, You have been doing so good you really don't want to drink.

Complete Bullshit. I totally wanted to drink. Thank god she was there. I don't think I would have. But she helped me refocus.

So after a weekend filled with moving my friend. I went into Book Fair week. Being a stay at home Mom has huge perks one of them is not having to leave the house before 9:00am. Granted most mornings my day starts at 4:45am but it is filled with a early run, getting child one on the bus and getting child two up and moving all the while drinking coffee and writing this blog in less than appropriate attire for the outside world. My week this week has been....in the shower by 5:30, dressed and hair done. Child one ready to leave before 7:00am, planning for child two so I can come back and pick him up. I feel for all my working friends. At least it's only for one week once a year or until the next project I volunteer for.

So back to that darn Devil sitting on my shoulder. I have been loosing the momentum of my conviction. I know this first year is going to be hard. I can totally see why people relapse. You start to second guess  you ever had a problem. It's hard to remember what you felt like, inside and out. I just have to keep telling my self everyday I did have a problem and I can't drink. Maybe someday the Devil on my shoulder will believe it. 

60 days today

Sober Patience is a virtue......

It was a wonderful yesterday spent the afternoon with a great friend. We took the boys to the movies and we walked around the mall. I love they can go on their own and then we get some adult time. We laughed and shopped, ate a great lunch and walked around the mall.

So my husband came home in a not so great mood. He had a rough day and then the monitor he bought wasn't what he thought it was going to be. Although I think the frustration of trying to set up his new monitor was escalated as my son was practicing his trumpet in the same room. You could feel the tension down the hall with every missed note.
What I thought was great was how well my emotions stayed in check. Normally I would have had a bottle in me at that point, and the fact my hard working husband came home in a less the desirable mood would send me into a resentful and bitchy mood. Two people filled with emotion and frustration is never a good combination. But because I was sober and my patience in check I wasn't feeding myself with the negativity I had done for so many years.  We ate dinner as a family, everyone got ready for bed and I finished putting away 3 loads of laundry. When he came in he felt bad and we talked about the day he had. I wish I could have made him feel better, but there are just days like that.
It was nice to have that shift in feelings. It doesn't give him an excuse to come home every night and be grumpy. But if he does, the fact that I'm in the a proper frame of mind to be the right partner for him helps both of us.

Ran 5 miles this morning. Tempo run with 3 miles at a hard and hilly pace. Legs were a bit sore from the work out yesterday. I am resolved to add the 2 days to strength training I said I was going to do in Jan. Slow to commit but I finally feel strong enough to start adding it.

The next two weeks are going to be high work load for me. I'm behind because I have procrastinated which is totally my fault. At least every morning I will wake up hangover free and able to work hard and my mind will be clear.

Never to prepared

So I made it unscathed and sober through Saturday. I know after reading my post you probably were thinking I'm over dramatic and speculating the worse from my friends. Well, those that know them know anything can happen, but I was surprised at how much they didn't care I wasn't drinking. In fact from what I can tell it didn't put a damper on the party what so ever. I really didn't even need to try and be social. I think that comes naturally for me anyway.
So all in all it was a good night. I will say staying up till 2:00am is still a feat. I just don't roll that way anymore. Most often my kids are the one tucking me into bed at night. AND I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH THAT!

So what was my real fear going into that night....Struggling with what to say about not drinking anymore. I just don't want to be caught off guard and dumping my inner soul on people who can't handle that information. Even roll playing the night in my head, I still snapped a little when my friend asked me at the dinner table if I was drinking. I said a very confident NO but had a little more power behind it than I wanted. I really was just making sure it wasn't up for discussion and apparently it worked. But it came out like that because I'm still uncomfortable telling people. This is very personal and when you start telling people you're an alcoholic people treat you differently. Meaning they start changing around you. They become to worried to drink around you. While this is very sweet it's not right. I have used other people as an enabler for years. Not stopping because my life is filled with people drinking around me. Well the reality is unless I want to live on a deserted island (not tropical because they serve really yummy drinks there too) I need to learn to navigate through this life with alcohol at arms reach.
My husband argued this point with me a little saying the people that really matter in my life will support me and change because they respect me. I get that. I appreciate that. But it's my responsibility not to drink. Not someone Else's.

Example- We can no longer drink around my mom. Let me rephrase that...we can't have alcohol around my mom because she will take it. Now her problem is everyone Else's problem (what's really funny is her problem is my problem haha) I don't want to be that person. My problem is mine. I own it and I don't need to share it with anyone. Therefore I don't want people to feel they need to alter their behavior or actions around me.

51 days, 178lbs, ran 3 miles and 45 mins of strength training.

It's a great Monday

10 miles today

Yahoo, woke up felt great. Still a little sore and stiff from my soccer game on Thursday but after a few miles the muscle memory clicked and I was good to go. Beautiful 10 miles on the water front downtown. Came home had a long hot bath, great talk with my Dad. Snuggled in for a little nap and slept all of 20 mins. That was a bummer but my nap time is usually at 2:30 so I wasn't quite ready especially after my Venti coffee from Starbucks. Decided to get up stepped in the scale and I finally broke 180lbs settling on a nice 178lbs.

This made me so happy and I'm ready for tonight. This will be hard but good.

Tonic and lime you are calling my name!!!!!!

Short films played in my head

I've always had this but for some reason it's becoming more intense lately. I have thess random memories pop in my head. They are like little short films or clips full of emotion, mainly embarrassment. Most of these memory clips happen from drunken events. I will be doing something then WHAM this memory fills my head and I just wish I could go back in time and erase it. Call "Cut" and reset the scene for a retake.

The part of drinking we love so much is the free flow of emotion and relaxation we get. We become open and freer to do things wouldn't normally do. Dancing for intstance.....you would never get on the dance floor and start doing poses from Madonna's "Vogue" if you didn't have a couple glasses of wine. For the most part I was never a risk taker when it came to drinking. I still had my witts about be. But there are more than a few times I wish I could just take back that one night. For example one memory that plays in mind as of late is an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party I went too. It was the first time I was invited to attend a party with Teachers and staff for a school I ran the PTA for. At some point I felt compelled to show everyone my new tattoo of Lady bugs. They are not in an overly provacative spot per se' but I certainly didn't need to share my little ladies with my childs educational staff. Ouch!

My main focus is to let this stuff go. I need to process it and move on. There are always things you wish you didn't say or things you wish you could take back. That's part of life. But I think when you do them drunk you feel a higher sense of guilt and a greater weight of responsibility for them. Had you not been drunk these events would probably have never happened.  I made a pack with myself long ago to never fight while drinking. The few fights my husband and I would have while drinking seemed to be riled with passion and both of us would sit on either side determind to change the others point of view. We would cry and make declarations with such conviction you would have thought our marrige would end unless the other gave in. Then you would wake up the next moring and realize the argument was over something so mundane.

Drinking wasn't all bad. I have some great memories and those I don't want to loose. I just want to get rid of the guilt connected to the bad decisions made along the way in my drunk life. I need to forgive myself and move on.

It's Thursday, but my Friday

4 day weekend. Thanks to budget cuts the children are once again out of school. I'm actually looking forward to the 4 day weekend. I have a 10 miler on Saturday, a few projects to do, but mostly hang out.

 It's my Friends birthday so I'm up against another challenging weekend. This one I have been dreading. The past event weekends I was looking forward to the challenge of being sober in a drinking environment. Testing my sea legs at is were. But I will be around 2 individuals who both have social drinking issues as well as personal baggage even TWA  would look at it awe. Luckily I have another wonderful friend who will be with me and who is in full support and knowledge of my sobriety.

I'm not even going into this weekend thinking about me drinking and possibly being tempted.  I'm thinking more about having to give an explanation about why I'm not drinking. My go to answer right now is "I'm in training" or "I'm really trying to focus on getting back into my training schedule". Everyone I have told this too will actually agree or give support. I may be surprised, but I doubt I'm going to get the warm fuzzy..."Oh that's awesome you are trying to do something right for yourself". This is what I'm predicting......

Sit down for dinner. Everyone orders a glass of wine. "I'll take a Tonic with lime". "Are you not drinking?" Me: "No, I'm trying to really concentrate on my training". Them: So you are running tomorrow? Me: "No, I have just decided to not drink for a while so I can focus on Running" Them: Come on, you can have a couple" Me: No, I'm really trying to be good" Them:......silence...glance at each other, roll their eyes, big sigh.....silence......read the menu........awkward conversation for the next 1/2 hour.

Above their head the thought bubbles are bursting with "why the hell did she come out then?" "Her and her training are more important than the birthday celebration" "Well, isn't she special" "OH God we have to hear about her training again".

I know you are thinking to yourself....why in the hell do you care. Honestly I don't because right now no peer pressure will make me drink, but who enjoys being in that situation. Not many. So why am I exposing myself to it. One... I'm not sure they truly will even care however I have seen the snickering and judgment from them on more than one occasion. Luckily they will have each other to feed off of all night (which I'm grateful for), secondly this is part of dealing with sobriety in a drinking world. It's not just me getting used to being sober it's all the people who have drank with me getting used to "me" being sober. Their are some people you just can't stop seeing or having relations with. AND they are also the same people who don't need to know every detail about your UNwasted life. I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. But I would rather be prepared then get trapped and suddenly burst out about being a raging alcoholic to two people who would benefit from sobriety as much as I do. If I didn't know them so well and how there minds work I wouldn't give a shit. But I do know them and  very well. I know the judgement and nothing is worse then seeing drunk people judge you when you are sober. This is payback though, because their have been many times when I thought the same way. Why would you choose to be sober at an event THERES AN OPEN BAR FOR GOD SAKES! Well. What comes around goes around and maybe that's what it boils down too. I'm finally faced with the contempt and judgement I so easily passed on people when I was drunk and they chose to be sober. Hey, I think that's an AA step....

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

What is your "bottom"

You hear this question a lot when getting sober. People what to know what your turning point was. How did you finally pull yourself up from the pit of alcohol and realize you needed to change. Some unfortunately have to loose everything or get within reach of death to understand the wake of destruction that is their life. For some the bottom is the rabbit hole and occasionally you land in a falling chair, cradled for a moment only to slip forward and free fall again never coming to rest on the ground.

I was taking with my husband about my bottom and got on the subject of my mom and how she hasn't hit bottom yet. She has had everything taken from her. Or at least what I would call life taken from her. She hasn't passed away, more like suspended in a world of co-dependence. Because of the damage she has done to her body with drinking she will, for the rest of her life, be codependent on someone. She went from age 50 to 75 in one night.

When I was growing up my mom and I had some hard times, but typical teenage rebellion stuff. She was strong. She worked her way up in a Male dominant industry. She balanced 3 kids, work, and she took care of my Great Grandma till the day she died. She had energy and life. My mom had some demons though. Her mom passed before I was born and then her Dad due to drinking, smoking and a broken heart. She married young and struggled, but for the most part we had a great middle class life. I don't think she even drank until I was in my early teens. Then the wine nights, going out with friends, and beach trips with the girls started. I know it was her escape. I get it I was there.  Over the course of 10 years she slowly sank deep into a cycle of drinking. I was long gone and on my own before the real destruction started by unfortunately my Brothers were wittiness the worst. Growing  up as a teenager with a mom who drinks is like winning a ticket to an all you can drink carnival. My brothers thoroughly reaped the rewards of my moms belligerence. Over the years I would come home for a week at a time. We would sit and party by the pool. My parents house became the oasis vacation home. We would spend an entire week drinking beside the pool by day and bar hopping by night. My mom would hang with us and that was awesome. We didn't realize how much she was drinking because we were all drinking. For us, it would stop as we returned back to our normal work schedule and my mom would continue the daily party without us. Finally over the years as kids entered our lives we started to notice how much she was drinking. She came up to visit once and I was cleaning the room she was staying in and found a 12pk of empty beer cans hidden beside her bed. I thought that was so odd. We drink openly in my house. I didn't care how much she was drinking why did she feel she needed to hide them. But that fact she was hiding them was the beginning of all the red flags we would see over the next few years. Starting with my phone conversations with her.  They became repetitive and we would often have the exact same conversation the very next day. My siblings all talked about it but what could we do. Her drinking progressed more and more until she finally had a seizure. Which wasn't the first one she had....we finally figured out the black eye she had a few weeks ago wasn't because she tripped over the dog, the broken rib she got wasn't because she miss stepped. She was having seizures causing her to black out and no one was there to see them. She hid them with excuses. Actually I don't think she even knew she was having them. I think she just woke up and had to tell my dad something.
One night I got the call at work she was in the hospital. She had basically stopped eating and was living on Vodka and her body was shutting down. Theres a lot of emotion you go through when you hear something like this......WTF comes to mind. Your angry, sad, scared, etc. I can only imagine what my dad was going through, a nondrinker. The next month my mom was in a rehab facility. To this day she still will not admit why she was there. How much more Bottom can you reach. Hindsight revealed many more red flags and my brothers, sister and I went back through the time line and analyzed everything over and over. But really what could we have done. She was the master at drinking and nothing we would have done would have changed that.

 Even knowing and seeing the events in front of my face and watching what could be the potential of my life I still chose to drink. I had an ego feeding my mind nonsense of "I will never be that bad" "I will know before I get that bad". Well the last part was true. I was finally able to say "I don't want to get the bad, I need to change" I didn't need to self destruct and collapse my family to hit bottom and for that I'm thankful.

Sweet Hearts Ball

Had a great and Sober time last night. I finally shared my blog with my husband and we were able to have some great discussion around what has been going on with me over the last few months. I know some would wonder why it took so long to include my life partner, but there was a lot "I" needed to do and understand about myself before I could even begin to explain it to someone else. Is it a huge relief......yes and no. Of course I don't want to hear things about how bad I really was from his point of view. I know this is part of the healing process and I'm trying to push my pride aside and listen. Not the easiest thing in the world. However, now I can talk with him and he can help me when I need it.

Back to the Ball. Love this event. I feel special and wonderful. My husband looks amazing every year and this year I really like the purple. I just wish I could have found Jewelry to match.

 I started my day with an 8 mile run in honor of Sherry Arnold from Montana. She was a teacher, mother and runner. She left one morning for her run and didn't return thanks to two men who took her life for God knows what reason. My running partner coordinated a virtual run through a running blog she follows. 7 of us met at Oaks Park to run in Sherry's honor, we are all wearing bibs with her picture and name. We ended up coming across 2 more groups who were also running in her honor. This was amazing and really hit home of how close knit our running community is.

Made it home around 10:30 showered, packed, and got ready to leave. The night was amazing. They had Ice sculptures on all the tables. The room glowed hot pink. The food was amazing with Halibut, Crab cakes and Beef Tenderloin. The dessert was a lava cake with Vanilla ice cream. I felt like a Princess.

Did I miss drinking? Yes a little. Only when dinner arrived. It would have been nice to share my amazing dinner with the Elegant Pinot Nior they were serving. I had the bartender make me a Tonic and Ruby Grapefruit with lime drink and sucked down about 4 of those. They were so good. I did have one gal ask why I was not drinking. I told her jokingly "that I was a raging alcoholic" she laughed with me while in the back of my head was thinking...."yay if you only really knew the truth". But we talked about my training schedule and just the over all feeling of being healthy and she too was trying to change. So does she really know why....No....but was I able to talk somewhat freely without preaching and divulging all the scary skeletons in my closet...absolutely. As my husband and I were walking back to the hotel I told him that during the night it made me sad a little that I couldn't drink but now that I'm back in the hotel knowing tomorrow I will wake up and feel great. I'm completely Happy.

They had a really cool Ice sculpture that poured out Pink Martinis.

Ian said they didn't taste very good. I took his word for it. :)

The room really glowed Pick. Here is the Ice Sculpture.

Ahh...it's Friday

This week seems to have flown by. Part of me enjoys being busy, but the other part starts to analyze each week. Pondering the total number of weeks I have on this earth. Did I really spend this week doing things worth while enough to have my life ticket punched one more time. I guess because I'm cresting on the downward swing of life (the very top of the hill so to speak) my mortality is starting to have more significance and every week that flies by, sounds like the tick of a clock which holds a finite amount of minutes.

All the more reason to stay sober and not waste any more time being hung over or unable to function. Although part of drinking for me was living life and enjoying time with friends. Giving me the numbness I needed to sit still and not feel guilty about all the things I should be doing. But you can never really get rid of the guilt because eventually you sober up and have to be held accountable for all the things you should have been doing right?

So I have been on the fence about showing my husband this blog. It has been my space and my place to put down my feelings without worrying about what anyone thinks. I also haven't been prepared to share my new sobriety with many. This has kept me in check, forcing me to stay off the pulpit and preach sobriety to everyone. I hate it when someone finds that new diet or fad and they insist it will change your life (well this will change your life but only on your terms). I'm a talker and if someone knows what I'm going through then I'm going to want to talk about. And to be honest I still feel like I want the out. If I tell people then I have to hold myself accountable for the expectations I make public. This is ludicrous of course because I don't want to drink anymore and I'm very resolved to stay sober. But the alcoholic in me is still secretly wishing to hear the click in my brain that tells me I can start drinking again and "THIS" time it will be different. This is where the marathon of sobriety starts. You are feeling good and you speed up a bit feeling confident for the first few miles. As the time wears on and the miles click by, you start to feel the pain, dehydration and fatigue. The need to stop and walk are so great but you know you will hate yourself if you do.

I know I need to start telling people. Not everyone. I don't want to start labeling myself to all of my peers. But I need the support and feedback from my inner circle. So they can help me stay on track. My husband needs to help me, which he does already but unless he has been reading this blog secretly. He truly doesn't understand the depth of my conviction and the edge I'm standing on everyday.

!Warning! T.M.I. The vicious cycle between Alcohol and PMS

Since this is a blog written by a female it's only befitting to address my addiction and it's counter part PMS. If this is not something you want to read about then click off. If you are dying to learn more about the monthly cycle and it's wicked connection to drinking read on.........

I have known a long time there was a relative connection between my drinking and my cycle. Both are filled with emotion and often on a roller coaster with deep turns and steep descents. Some believe PMS is a farce. I'm here to tell you it's a real issue and unlike fine wine does not get better with age. Not to be used as an EXCUSE for poor behavior but something to be mindful of. And for someone who is struggling with an addiction this can reek havoc in your mind and make quitting difficult or next to impossible.

As I'm aging PMS is becoming harder to control. I feel like a teenager again, not sure what my body is going through and where it's headed. I feel some days I have lost my mind. I can't remember simple details. I will walk into a room twenty times not knowing what the hell I went in there for. I'm short tempered and easily irritated. I'm tired and the smallest things become overwhelming. I argue with anyone about things I'm sure are of the utmost importance.
 Sound like anything else familiar????
These are the symptoms of addiction, only they are in my body and I can't just set the glass down and walk away (not that I could do that anyway).
I noticed my drinking would start building as my cycle came closer. About a week before I was going to start, the urge to drink would be so overwhelming, nothing you could say or do would persuade me to act differently.  This is when my most destructive drinking would take place. My emotions were raw and exposed, drinking helped tame them or at least put a soft blanket over them so I didn't feel so intense. It's like going to the movies, the music and sound are extremely loud. When you put ear plugs in, the sound becomes muffled and soothing. You can finally relax and hear your own heartbeat. However, the evil twin in this soothing process, is waking up hungover and sick. Your body is already rebelling against you with cascade of hormones and the vicious cycle of self deprecating begins.
 It took me many years to see the pattern and the connection between my need to drink and my cycle. But it was also giving me another excuse to drink myself into a mind numbing coma.

Then after days of agony I start. It feels like magic as the hormones purge from my body. I feel this release from stress and the burden of unhappiness would finally dissipate. I will start having thoughts of how much I love my husband and even fantasize about him (someone, just two days ago, I was plotting to move away from. To live in a communal project with just women who could relate to my madness)  I think clearly again and my energy comes back. I would also not drink as much. Often those were the only nights I could cut myself, only having one or two glasses. I felt like a normal drinking person.

Well I have found out, running  or exercise have the same effect on PMS as alcohol with much greater day after and long term results. I felt like I should share this because I know there are a lot of women who are probably trapped in the same way. The cycle of alcohol and the womanly cycle. One feeding the other. You drink because you are emotional and you are emotional because you drink. I picture this cyclical event as the snake eating itself. When ever I wanted to take a break from alcohol I would always quit at the end of my cycle. My cravings would be less intense and sometimes not at all.

Sober 39 days. I have now finished two cycles. The first was at the beginning of my sobriety and the cravings were hard. I wanted my old friend to comfort me and make the emotional demons go away. I'm now in the blissful stage of euphoria having started two days ago. But while I had my same symptoms, irritability, tiredness, lack of initiative, I wasn't feeding my PMS with alcohol. I was more in control. I had a greater sense of why I was feeling so erratic. So while this won't ever go away (so sorry for my loving husband) I have a better understanding in the moment and can at least try and offset the "Crazy Michelle" which surfaces once a month.

Ghost of Super Bowl Past

I was laying in bed yesterday thinking about what my day was going to look like. We usually have a Super Bowl party and this year we didn't have one. I wasn't into either team so it didn't make a difference either way. Plus my husband didn't really want to host again this year. I was kinda bummed because I wanted to test out my sober legs. Isn't that silly. I wanted to put myself right smack in the middle of a drinking party to see how I felt.
My self confidence is probably higher than it really is, but I feel really good right now.  I want to get started getting used to being in social settings and being the sober one. I may hate it. I may say I don't want to do these things anymore, but I won't know until I'm out there with people waving drinks past my face. Crazy isn't it. I just don't feel the anxiety any more. I'm resolved to not drink.

As, I was laying in bed an old memory popped into my head. I can't believe I remembered it but as I started to go through the events it was unbelievable what took place that day. My friends would never do that now. AHHH, maturity. What a lovely thing to have.

My memory takes place Super Bowl Sunday 1995 BK. (before kids). My husband and another couple were invited to a party. I remember reaching a point at that time in my life and I needed to quit drinking for a while.  If I'm correct this was the birth of my annual 30 day cleanse. I had decided I wasn't going to drink and I would be the DD for the day. We stopped by the store and everyone made their beer selection and I chose diet coke. The party was crazy and well stocked with snacks and alcohol. I think this was my first attempt at being sober at a party. I was not prepared for the reaction by everyone. I wish I had a $1 for every time someone tried to get me to drink.  I was the large white elephant with leprosy in the room and for some reason everyone thought they needed to get the story of why I wasn't drinking. "Why on earth would someone come to a Super Bowl party and not drink". The Designated Driver program was still a fairly new concept so that reason didn't hold much weight with these people. Due to the experience and my own inability to control my drinking I never went to a party again and not drink. I wasn't scarred by not drinking that day, it just wasn't something I felt I wanted to explain to people again ( a beautiful excuse to tell the devil on my shoulder).

Well, time has moved on.  We have matured and our lives are full of things that make us act more responsible. Now when we go to parties and if  "so-n-so" isn't drinking we only have the brief speculation that maybe they might be Pregnant or maybe they need to get up early for work. We don't ridicule someone for not pounding shots and the proverbial beer bong has disappeared. I would never badger anyone about not drinking (in fact right now they are my hero) and I certainly keep an eye on the drinkers so they leave safe.

I'm glad my life has changed. I still wish I had the  "One to Two drink" cut-off switch that so many people have. But since I don't, I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of being the nondrinker. Sometimes I'm not the only one, there are others.

Another Great book to read

A lot of us make jokes about Mommy needing a martini, but for Rachael Brownell, author of Mommy Doesn’t Drink Here Anymore, the joke turned out to be pretty dark.
After having twin girls, Brownell found herself a frazzled, busy mom juggling a family and career. To help take the edge off, she made a glass of white wine an afternoon ritual. Soon, one glass became four or five, and it wasn’t long until a box of wine lasted her only a couple of days.
Brownell’s book is rife with accounts of her mood swings, sex problems with her husband and vomiting at the twins’ school. What’s unusual is that a nagging feeling, not a DUI or other dramatic hit-bottom moment, made her admit her problem. After telling her brother about her drinking, she starts Alcoholics Anonymous the same night. “I know something is very wrong here,” she writes. “And I think my drinking might be making it worse.”
The book scores points for its honesty and dark humor, and you’ll finish it in a pool- or beachside afternoon. But I wanted to hear more about how Brownell’s alcoholism affected her family, especially her daughters and mother, who was an alcoholic herself. Still, its diary-like style will keep the pages turning, even if you’re a mom who has never touched a drop.

Beautiful day

Woke up this morning to a 5 mile run. My legs are finally getting stronger and the hilly run was more manageable than it's been in weeks. I tried to not get discouraged when I started back up again, wanting to flog myself internally for letting the endurance that I built up melt away into nothing. Starting over is a huge bummer but what does not kill you WILL make you stronger. Isn't that the sole purpose of a marathon anyway.

After my run, I helped the get kids ready and off in the direction of school, myself included. We had math assessments today and I needed to make sure the volunteers had direction and knew where to go. We had some new volunteers today and it's critical they enjoy their first time or you can consider them done as far as volunteering goes.
Then off to clean a house.....nope not mine. My husband loves knowing someone is coming home to a nice clean house all the while wishing it was his....hehehe. I love to clean other peoples houses I just don't like cleaning mine. I wish I could start a Co-op clean club, we all rotate and clean each others houses once every 2 weeks. Lots of people like the idea but nobody is stepping up to do it. That's weird.

Done, headed to the car wash and then the grocery store......yes and thoughts of alcohol pop into my head. This is an alcoholic blog so theres no way to get through more than half a page without me bringing it up..... It's a gorgeous day. No rain and it's actually 60'. This would be the perfect scenario for a bottle of wine, my lounge chair, and the drive way. I know you are cracking up right now thinking she sits in the driveway? Yes I do, that's what the folks did growing up and that's what I do. Plus it's amazing how within 15 minutes of parking myself, in my chair, in the driveway I will suddenly have 3 or 4 neighbors joining me. This is where the action is, this is when you see who belongs in your neighborhood and who doesn't.  It's the social action center ,especially on a warm sunny Friday afternoon.
I was on my way to the grocery store and I started to think about my usual routine. I would find dinner, load my cart with wine, beer, and other forms of snacks, I will need either late that night or mid morning to offset the effects of the night before. Instead my shopping trip by passes the wine isle, even though my favorite bottle is on sale, and head to the bottled water. I'm really liking mineral water right now. I still have the feelings of wanting to drink but it is becoming less notable. The best example I can give is....you know when you are driving and suddenly you catch yourself in autopilot. You quickly redirect your course and simply laugh at yourself for being so focused. You are glad you caught yourself in time so you wouldn't have to back track, turn around or go completely go out of the way to get back on track. Yep, that pretty much sums up my thoughts on drinking. I think about it, get focused on it and then catch myself right before I take that unwanted turn. The good thing is now I can laugh about it.

Off to the drive way to catch the afternoon sun. Mineral water in hand, chair ready, and thoughts of the house I cleaned wishing it had been mine.

Relfection of 30 days Sober

I thought it would be important to reflect back on the last 30days. Like I said yesterday, I really don't feel the last 30 days were as challenging as the next 30 and beyond.

This last month I was riding the high of not being hung over everyday. I was done. I hated everything about me and wanted to change. I gained weight (I weighed the same as when I walked into the hospital to give birth), I was tired, strung out, depressed, moody and irrational. I just wanted it to be done. So in melodramatic style I started this blog to help me make promises to myself and hold myself accountable.

Jan 1st like some many people across the country, I made the resolution to quick drinking. First week went fine, headaches, little to no sleep, a fight within my mind to change my 4:00 o'clock habit. The second week I was sticking to my running schedule, eating right and starting to feel normal but still fighting the urges. Third week, got sick which I hear is normal for people detoxing, fell off my running schedule which was a huge bummer, Recovered and third week fell sick again having the same result. But I managed to pull out 13miles in a Half Marathon I signed up for in November and I was back on my running schedule.

The biggest take aways are.....
So so so happy to wake every morning feeling great. It is the best feeling. I was driving this morning thinking about how wonderful it is, to get up and be able to plan your day, stick to it, be on the move, get as little or as much done as you want.  F*&%ing ROCKS! I ROCK!

My brain is starting to loose it's haze. This was the weirdest thing. I knew the hangovers caused the haziness but lack of quality sleep and residual alcohol really takes it's toll. I can totally function, remember what I tell people, have total recall of events days ago. I'm dreaming like crazy and I wake up with my mind clear and rested.

I can wake up and run.....EVERYDAY. I'm not strategizing my next run and trying to figure out how much I can drink and still be able to run. I'm not worried I might have to bail out on a run  if I can't cut myself off the night before. I get up, throw on my gear and run. Come home to coffee and a feeling of accomplishment.

I'm loving myself again.  I'm not telling myself bullshit and making things bigger than they really are. I'm able to handle the stress which is my life with two kids, a full time volunteer gig, and a husband who deserves more than my judgement and sarcasm. I'm showing myself and body respect by eating healthier, getting the proper sleep it deserves and pushing it to exhaustion but in a positive healthy way through running.

First month was about feeling good, getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and staying focused.
I think I did a pretty great job!

Yay! 31 days

Yep, I made it. I really didn't have much doubt I could, only because I have done the one month cleanse before. The hard part is going to be the next 30 days. Outside of  2 Pregnancies, I haven't gone 60 days without drinking since 1985. That is a pretty crazy thing to look at... written down... now public knowledge. Wow, 27 years.....My life is far from wasted but more than a few days are lost from my life due to hangovers and over indulgence.
So I feel like I'm starting all over, this being my true first month of sobriety. It will be the most challenging. I have a few events that are coming up which will really put me to the test. As I progressed through last month I was able to stay sober easily because I was in the comfort and safety of my home and routine. This weekend my family went to the beach and I felt challenged at every turn. There was so much down time and when we were doing something, it was dining at a restaurant or sitting on the beach, or sitting in the hot tub, snuggled in watching movies. Everything that goes well with a glass of wine or a couple bottles as the case may be. I was agitated, grumpy, and miserable. At home when I start to feel that twinge come on I do something, walk, run, clean....blog. OH how I missed my blog. I wanted to write down my feelings so bad. This is a huge outlet for me and a way to process my emotions. Instead I paced and tried to think of things to do. I read two books...."Mommy doesn't drink here anymore" by Racheal Brownell and "The Long Run" by Mishka Shubaly. Both were great books and different paths to sobriety. I contemplated drinking and got close a few times, rationalizing that my husband doesn't know the kind of commitment I have made (hindsight this might be the time to tell him). It boiled down too...I would know, ME, MYSELF and I. I couldn't come back to this blog and celebrate I had been sober 31 days. The disappointment in myself would have been huge. So while I sat at dinner eating my wonderful crab stuffed Halibut, I imagined how exotic a glass of Cabernet would taste with this meal, beating  myself with the progression of events that would take place if I have one glass. This actually played out in my mind. Have you ever read "If you give a mouse a cookie"?

This is what is sounds like
If you give me a glass of wine, then I will have to have two. If I have two, then I will have broke the cycle of sobriety. If I have broken the cycle of sobriety then I can stop and get a bottle  of wine on the way back to the house. When I stop and get a bottle on the way home I might as well grab 2. But since I have had two glasses already and I stop and buy 2 bottles then I will only finish half of the second one tonight. So I might as well get 3 bottles at the store because I will need a full bottle to go with the half a bottle left over from tonight. And since I'm already planning to drink tomorrow. I might as well get 6 bottles so that I can have 2 for each day we are here since I'm drinking again.

Needless to say....once I got to the store in my head I was done. What a train wreck. Happily I did not drink, maintained my grumpiness and just tried to freaking relax. Drank a lot of ginger ale an milk Sunday and ate way to my onion dip and chips. :)

31 days sober. Relieved I was able to blog today. Ran 4 miles this morning. Making chili for dinner.

AHHH! Home.

 

Off to the beach

Haven't given drinking much thought lately but this impromptu trip is starting to pull on the inner strings a little. Typically alcohol would be present and forefront on such a trip as this. I'm scrambling around the house thinking of things to take that will help with distraction. I just finished my book so I will need to find another before we leave. I won't be able to blog while I'm there so my safety crutch is gone.
I asked my husband if he wanted me to pick up some beer to take and he said he wasn't really planning to drink, unless we went to a restaurant, then he might have a few. GOD!.....why can't I be like him.
All will be fine. I plan on running, taking walks and doing some shopping.
Only 3 days left till 30. I will be happy to get over this hump.

Friendships

Spent the day with a dear friend who I have literally know my whole life. We met when we were 7. I remember being fresh from the corn state and standing in front of the class being introduced to all new people. I was a pretty easy going kid and everyone was a potential playmate, so this wasn't a huge transition for me. As we were gathering our things and I was ready to board the bus my teacher partnered me with a cute, tan, blond haired kid. He was really shy but only lived two houses down from me and would help me get off at the right stop. I don't remember the bus ride home just clips of images as we said goodbye and he watched me walk to my house. 35 years later we are having lunch at Red Robin talking about our plans for the weekend and his up coming birthday.
He has been in my life for what seems like forever. He is more family than friend now and my kids consider him an uncle. He was a devoted friend and we did everything together. Growing up I think I was more his shadow than he ever was mine. He was the kid with all the cool toys and we spent hours at his house, in the fields, and running amuck through the neighborhood. Freedom that sadly my children will never have.
As we grew up, we continued to do everything together, including drinking. I remember the first time we shared a beer. We stole it from the fridge behind the bar at his house. His dad always drank Miller Lite. We snuck the beer out quietly, headed to the front yard around the corner and popped it open. At first we both looked at each other with disgust from the taste, but then the rush of alcohol hit, filling our perfect and untainted bodies with a new kind of euphoria. They say, children who try or taste alcohol at a young age are more likely to become alcoholics......hmm....that's interesting.  We finished that beer and I remember saying lets get another one. My friend said "no, my dad might notice". Even as young as thirteen my brain couldn't just let me have that little bit. I wanted more. So our life in the 80's began. If you have ever watched 16 candles, Breakfast Club, or Valley Girl you would understand the kind of social scene and parties we attended every weekend. This is not an exaggeration. We would go to parties (never quite figured out who's parents would let a hundred teenagers destroy their house every weekend) and we would drink until we puked or passed out. I always had to be home by midnight so we would get an early start at 7:00, find someone to buy us alcohol and we would set out for the night. How we made it home alive was beyond me.
As the years passed we grew up, my life heading towards career, marriage, kids. His stalling out and maintaining a holding pattern just past 1994, but somehow we always met back in the middle with alcohol as our bonding agent. So today, I'm sitting across from him at lunch, me with my tea and him with his beer, talking. The whole time thoughts are pouring into my head about where this relationship is headed. Struggling to find some other commonality. I'm starting to feel agitated and uncomfortable not because he's drinking in front of me, but because I have this feeling of contempt about who we are and why are we still friends. I felt uneasy watching him slowly slip into a nice calming buzz. Time slowing down for him and me getting impatient because I'm struggling to make conversation, when usually the alcohol steers us down roads of old or on some tangent about this or that. I'm trying not to let myself judge or get irritated.  Maybe knowing he needs to stop as much as I do and if he did stop we could meet once again back in the middle.  I'm still not sure where we will end up once he realizes I can no longer be his drinking buddy, I guess we will find out on his Birthday night. I know we will remain family, too many years have passed for that to change. I may be speculating in a negative light. He may be fine and not care one smidgen about my new sobriety. I guess the problem is stemming for from me. Why can't I just accept who he is and the differences in our lives. Isn't that what I'm expecting him to do for me?