In spite being hurt and I was able to finish all 3 of my legs for Ragnar Relay. I love Hood to Coast and it will always be near and dear but this Relay was so amazing. The weather, the scenery, and the team were incredible. As one day blends with the next, exhaustion starts to take it's toll. You become silly and a different sort of energy comes to the table. It's hard to see but we are all wearing Goatee's made of fur from a hat we found in a small fishing town in the Puget Sound. The goatee's were inspired by Jay who by the end of the relay we referred to as Jayhab. He is an Alaskan Fisherman and he was gracious enough to donate his beautiful home so the 12 of us could eat and sleep (?) through the relay.

My running partner and I had a great time. It takes a special someone to be with for 30 hours with little sleep pushing your body to the ultimate end and still be happy. Runners are truly crazy and I love to be around them.

The only sad part of the whole trip was not drinking. We finished the relay came back to the house and everyone was helping with dinner, drinking wine and relaxing. I was the only one not participating. No one said anything or asked but it was probably the most awkward I have felt in a while. Nobody would have said anything to me or would have known it wasn't right for me to have a glass. The pressure of wanting to relax with a glass in hand, the taste of wine swirling around in my mouth and knowing it would have been the perfect end to a very hard long 30 hours, was almost to much to handle. This is the comfort of being around people who know  what I'm are going through. I would have never even considered it had I been around the people who are supporting me through this first year.

Alas, I stayed strong. The thought of having one only leads to the thoughts of having another. I was in awe the whole time watching people during the weekend drink. Everyone kept making comments about only having one beer or one glass. The fact that I was fixated on this still tells me I don't have normal thoughts around alcohol. I could never just have one that's just silly.

Looking forward to Hood to Coast. It's going to be another challenge. This has always been a huge drink fest for me. But like everything this year I'm learning to do the things I love without alcohol.

Practice makes perfect........proud to say 207 days sober

Rewards for the non-drinker

The hardest piece to overcome not drinking is my use of time. I find myself walking around the house or yard looking for things to do. My list of projects is long and I have plenty to do, but I find myself unable to get started. I would use drinking as a way to motivate myself. I wouldn't allow myself to sit or have a glass of wine until I completed the project for the day. I was rewarding myself with Alcohol. Completed housework= glass of wine, total win win. So I find myself without the reward or incentive. I can see what I need to do, but I feel overwhelmed and unable to see the beginning and work towards an end. Maybe because with house work there is no end. Cleaning the house while kids are home is like trying to swim up stream tethered to a rock. Rewarding myself with Wine was a way to get past the mundane, consistency of housework.

So what do I do going forward. I'm still learning to do everything without alcohol. Practice and understanding are keys to success. I understand my struggles. I've gone back to pining for alcohol for a brief moment. I know it's because  of the increased amount of down time I have right now. I'm continually reminding myself to relax and enjoy not being busy. Resist the urge to pile more on my plate that keeps me from doing the things around the house I need to get down. This has always been my go to solution.

Right now my rewards are sitting in the sun guilt free. If I work hard and get things done around the house I will allow myself to sit for a moment and read my book. Guilt free, is there such a thing for a stay at home mom.

What happens in the family stays in the family

So my brother is going throug a rough time. Unfortunatley it's his creation but I feel bad all the same. My last post probably sounded angry and more like venting than sharing my trials with Alcohol. As I step farther away from drinking I'm realizing what alcohol brings to table. Even if its good times and everything is happy you are changing the way you perceive the world around you. You are looking through a different set of glasses. Which is why it's so appealing. It gives you a mental vacation. If you take a vacation long enough you stop being adept at resolving the tougher times in life. The emotions of everyday life become overwhelming. You can't handle dealing with day to day so you saturate it with a good dose of numbness while your problems become larger and your self depricating increases. I was talking to my sister-n-law about my brother and while Alcohol isn't the main factor with what my Brother needs to address, I think it's a good part of why he acts the way he does. He hasn't allowed himself to clear his mind of all the emotional build up of past years. Everytime he starts to feel bad about himself he puts on the protective coating which drinking gives you. My other Brother asked me if he was drinking. I told him I don't think I could tell over the phone if he was. That is something we both had in common, we drank a lot but rarely were we sloppy.  He says he isn't right now. He talked with my mom and texted me if "she" was drinking again. He sounded shocked by how incoherant  she was and how she skipped from topic to topic. My mom still has her own battles she's fighting and will probably fight until she dies. I responded to my brother that she has been like this for years with good days and bad. If he had talked to her in the past 3 years on the phone he would have known that. That was probably an unfair jab, but I'm done holding punches. I know he hasn't talked to my mom for 3 years because he doesn't want to face what she's done to herself. He doesn't want to look in the mirror. I looked long and hard into the mirror and finally had the strength to make the change. I texted him back stating "It was sad but it is what it is now. That's why I stopped drinking because I don't want my kids to have the same conversation about me" He texted back "ya, I'm glad I quit too"

He's got a long road ahead if he thinks not drinking for 2 weeks is quitting...............


I haven't quit drinking, I just stopped pouring myself a glass of wine.