A different mindset today

Yesterday I reach a weird place with my mom but first let me give you an update as to where we are.

Today will be day 3 of no food and water. She seems to be in more pain but is quickly sated with
morphine. She is looking at us unable to talk but occasionally I can see she understands what we are saying and asking. My dad and I spent many hours yesterday holding her hand and sitting by her bedside. I found myself watching every breath for changes and analysing each minute detail of her face and hand. The pain of loss was slipping away and slowly replaced with gratitude that I'm here and can be with her. Of course when she finally passes I sure the pain will resurface and I will go through the loss all over again. But this morning I woke up with a sense of relief knowing we are doing everything we can to make her comfortable and when she decides to go, I will have no regrets and closure is in my heart.

Part of this I think is due to reading and researching what is happening. I have been waiting for the inevitable for so long I forgot to just look and understand the process of death. This is natural (not her means of dying) but the events that are taking placing...not eating, rapid breathing, her body shutting down like someone going through the house, turning off the lights one by one. Eventually she will be on the porch, ready to leave. She will turn  the last light off, close the door and walk away. I find solace that all the pain she used to drink and make herself sick will be gone. She will be at peace and able to let go of what destroyed her life. My family will be able to move forward and stop worrying about her. My Dad hopefully will find a new chapter and be able to visit me and see my home. There is as much good with her passing as bad. I guess that's the realization I had yesterday.

I want to thank all the people who took the time after their loved one passed to write down the events that took place. It's hard watching this process but knowing step by step where she is, makes me more comfortable. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know her not eating or drinking isn't my fault. I know she will pass and all the I's are dotted and T's crossed. I can leave here knowing I made the right choices. I can leave guilt free, well educated, and at peace with myself.

Where have I been?

There are many times in my life that events have transpired or occurred as a result of  making the right decision. Most people chalk it up to fate, divine intervention etc. Not sure where I stand on both of those but I have always felt most of my so called "luck" was a result of my over analysing everything and having plan A,B, and C on deck at all times.

I started this blog 10 months ago with the premise I needed to stop sliding down the slippery slope of Alcoholism. All my thoughts where about fixing myself and healing whatever I had inside me that caused me to drink. I feel I'm still challenging myself to figure out what it is I'm hanging on to that makes me self destructive. So without sounding cliche' and saying "all things happen for a reason", in this case I think it did.

I have just spent 5 weeks of my life coming to grips with the fact my mom has finally done it. She finally drank enough to kill herself. Sept 24th I received a call from my Dad. My heart always races when my Dad calls me, he never calls unless it's something bad with my mom. He told me that he just admitted my mom to the hospital. She had 3 blood vessels rupture in her esophagus and she was bleeding out. She was in a coma like state due to the lose of blood and ammonia levels. Since that call I have been by herside for most of the 5 weeks.

10 years ago she had seizures due to drinking. She recovered but was left with damage to her brain from the high levels of ammonia that had built up. She went to recovery for 28days and then home. She did well for a few months then I could tell the drinking had started again. It broke my heart back then and I cycled through what was all stages of loss. I knew there was going to be the day that I would get a call again. Living so far away there wasn't much I could do. Now knowing the mind of an addict, I could have lived next door and it wouldn't have made a difference. You always process guilt, thinking I could have done more but honestly I know that's not true.

So processing all the stages of loss again in my mind, Anger seems to be the one that surfaces the most. I am truly at acceptance and I have been for a long time knowing she wasn't going to stop and the end would happen sooner or later. But the anger that is still lingering is difficult to deal with. I stare at her for longs periods of time while she sleeps restlessly in bed, wanting to shake her and yell "is this what you wanted" "was drinking worth it?"The only answer is my own thoughts of "no, it's not"....."life is worth it, my kids and my husband are worth it".

Divine intervention, fate, luck...whatever happened to make me sober this year I'm thankful. I don't know if I would have had an A-Ha moment through this or if this would have been my crutch to continue drinking. All I know for certain is being sober I'm able to look with eyes wide open and know this is not what I want for me.

Begining to Marathon

So I'm kinda done talking about drinking for a while. I just sick of thinking about it and mulling it over in my mind. You would think after 9 months I would be past all the poor me stages and moved on to how INCREDIBLY GREAT I feel. Which I love, but I would also love to....occasionally.....sit and have a glass of wine and enjoy the end of the day as well, which I miss most of all. So we are going to move on to my next focus

So lets flash back to the beginning of the year.........

January 1st I set some goals one being loosing weight. I was hoping to drop down to 165 by March. Well that didn't happen. While I'm still really close.....only 4 pounds to go on a bad day and 3 pounds on a good day. It has proved to be harder than I thought. My metabolism was wrecked due to drinking. Cross training and diet have proven to be very effective in the last few months. I am inches away from a 10. I can fit into a 10 just not quite comfortable yet. With this last bit of weight and cross training my legs are feeling strong.

My other goal was to complete the Walt Disney World Goofy Challenge. I was really hoping to be healed and my mileage a lot higher (an easy 13 miles under my belt). Well, I'm starting off behind the eight ball with only an 8 mile base and my heel is only "sore" on a good day. But this is my goal and I'm not finishing the year until I'm holding at least 2 medals in my hand from the Half Marathon and the Full Marathon. In order to hold the all three I have to finish the Marathon in 5 hours. Which if I was totally healed, this conversation would not even be note worthy. However.......we will need to see if the stars will align for me or at what breaking point will I reach in Pain tolerance. I made it through two labors and delivery so I'm thinking how bad can this be.

This is the final stage of my first year of sobriety. 16 weeks, 517 training miles, 32 hours of strength training will hopefully get me these 3 Medals...........
 

                    

Haven't written in a while but I'm still here.

I can't remember the last post. It's not that I don't need to post or don't think about drinking. It's unfortunately in my thoughts everyday. I think I'm hitting that next phase of "is this really for the rest of life?" I continue to questions why me? Why do I have to be different. There are so many things that come easy for me or with work I can achieve, so why does this obstacle hang in front of me like a giant swinging pendant ready to knock off my narrow bridge.

Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the smells and the feeling of cold coming. Warmth, comfort and the colors of Fall surround me. While I was shopping the other day, I walked past a new beer from Bridgeport Brewing. It was called Wicked a seasonal beer laced with spice. I felt a jump of excitement and out of habit I reached for it suddenly realizing I couldn't take it home. The utter disappointment at the moment was disheartening. Some one could have slapped me and it would have had less impact then that feeling of disappointment.

Try, want, just a little, one glass, why me, is on an endless play list in my head. The summer wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but this fall is going to prove a little more challenging.

8 months, 11 days

In spite being hurt and I was able to finish all 3 of my legs for Ragnar Relay. I love Hood to Coast and it will always be near and dear but this Relay was so amazing. The weather, the scenery, and the team were incredible. As one day blends with the next, exhaustion starts to take it's toll. You become silly and a different sort of energy comes to the table. It's hard to see but we are all wearing Goatee's made of fur from a hat we found in a small fishing town in the Puget Sound. The goatee's were inspired by Jay who by the end of the relay we referred to as Jayhab. He is an Alaskan Fisherman and he was gracious enough to donate his beautiful home so the 12 of us could eat and sleep (?) through the relay.

My running partner and I had a great time. It takes a special someone to be with for 30 hours with little sleep pushing your body to the ultimate end and still be happy. Runners are truly crazy and I love to be around them.

The only sad part of the whole trip was not drinking. We finished the relay came back to the house and everyone was helping with dinner, drinking wine and relaxing. I was the only one not participating. No one said anything or asked but it was probably the most awkward I have felt in a while. Nobody would have said anything to me or would have known it wasn't right for me to have a glass. The pressure of wanting to relax with a glass in hand, the taste of wine swirling around in my mouth and knowing it would have been the perfect end to a very hard long 30 hours, was almost to much to handle. This is the comfort of being around people who know  what I'm are going through. I would have never even considered it had I been around the people who are supporting me through this first year.

Alas, I stayed strong. The thought of having one only leads to the thoughts of having another. I was in awe the whole time watching people during the weekend drink. Everyone kept making comments about only having one beer or one glass. The fact that I was fixated on this still tells me I don't have normal thoughts around alcohol. I could never just have one that's just silly.

Looking forward to Hood to Coast. It's going to be another challenge. This has always been a huge drink fest for me. But like everything this year I'm learning to do the things I love without alcohol.

Practice makes perfect........proud to say 207 days sober

Rewards for the non-drinker

The hardest piece to overcome not drinking is my use of time. I find myself walking around the house or yard looking for things to do. My list of projects is long and I have plenty to do, but I find myself unable to get started. I would use drinking as a way to motivate myself. I wouldn't allow myself to sit or have a glass of wine until I completed the project for the day. I was rewarding myself with Alcohol. Completed housework= glass of wine, total win win. So I find myself without the reward or incentive. I can see what I need to do, but I feel overwhelmed and unable to see the beginning and work towards an end. Maybe because with house work there is no end. Cleaning the house while kids are home is like trying to swim up stream tethered to a rock. Rewarding myself with Wine was a way to get past the mundane, consistency of housework.

So what do I do going forward. I'm still learning to do everything without alcohol. Practice and understanding are keys to success. I understand my struggles. I've gone back to pining for alcohol for a brief moment. I know it's because  of the increased amount of down time I have right now. I'm continually reminding myself to relax and enjoy not being busy. Resist the urge to pile more on my plate that keeps me from doing the things around the house I need to get down. This has always been my go to solution.

Right now my rewards are sitting in the sun guilt free. If I work hard and get things done around the house I will allow myself to sit for a moment and read my book. Guilt free, is there such a thing for a stay at home mom.

What happens in the family stays in the family

So my brother is going throug a rough time. Unfortunatley it's his creation but I feel bad all the same. My last post probably sounded angry and more like venting than sharing my trials with Alcohol. As I step farther away from drinking I'm realizing what alcohol brings to table. Even if its good times and everything is happy you are changing the way you perceive the world around you. You are looking through a different set of glasses. Which is why it's so appealing. It gives you a mental vacation. If you take a vacation long enough you stop being adept at resolving the tougher times in life. The emotions of everyday life become overwhelming. You can't handle dealing with day to day so you saturate it with a good dose of numbness while your problems become larger and your self depricating increases. I was talking to my sister-n-law about my brother and while Alcohol isn't the main factor with what my Brother needs to address, I think it's a good part of why he acts the way he does. He hasn't allowed himself to clear his mind of all the emotional build up of past years. Everytime he starts to feel bad about himself he puts on the protective coating which drinking gives you. My other Brother asked me if he was drinking. I told him I don't think I could tell over the phone if he was. That is something we both had in common, we drank a lot but rarely were we sloppy.  He says he isn't right now. He talked with my mom and texted me if "she" was drinking again. He sounded shocked by how incoherant  she was and how she skipped from topic to topic. My mom still has her own battles she's fighting and will probably fight until she dies. I responded to my brother that she has been like this for years with good days and bad. If he had talked to her in the past 3 years on the phone he would have known that. That was probably an unfair jab, but I'm done holding punches. I know he hasn't talked to my mom for 3 years because he doesn't want to face what she's done to herself. He doesn't want to look in the mirror. I looked long and hard into the mirror and finally had the strength to make the change. I texted him back stating "It was sad but it is what it is now. That's why I stopped drinking because I don't want my kids to have the same conversation about me" He texted back "ya, I'm glad I quit too"

He's got a long road ahead if he thinks not drinking for 2 weeks is quitting...............


I haven't quit drinking, I just stopped pouring myself a glass of wine.

What does your footprint look like?

There is so much talk about our carbon footprint and what we are doing to the earth. What about our social foot print. The foot print we leave on the individuals who will guide us into the future and make a difference between social success or community failure. 
Our social footprint seems to be a real problem. Raising children to become responsible, self aware and caring individuals. I often hear people blaming others or situations for their problems. What happen to ownership and integrity. When something goes wrong in my life I don't look around me for people to blame. I don't say I'm an alcoholic because someone or something did me wrong. I'm a alcoholic becasue I like to drink and I drink a lot. My mom is an alcoholic but she didn't pour me drinks for the last 16 years that was me!
We have all had our fair share of shit parenting, bad choices, and struggles. As a parent I'm sure I'm making decisions that would cause any counselor to flip in his chair.  In general the bad things that happen to us are products of decisions we made and if you trace back to the begining of a situation, you can usually find the fork in the road where "you" made the wrong turn. Why is it so hard to say "I F @#*'d up", that was my fault. What happened to the golden rule. I hear people say "well you did that to me" or "other people do it all the time". If you don't like the way someone treated you then why would you turn around an exhibit the same behavior. It's like not tipping a waitress, do you really think she is reflecting on herself or her performance? No, she just thinks your an asshole because you didn't tip. She isn't associated her performance with tips. She's thinking about how she's going to make rent.
I cut kids a break. We are the ones who should be guiding them and teaching them they are not the victim. Everyone has a chance to make a positive choice. Our actions, even the smallest are huge. My daughter asked me once while we were on a hike why I kept picking up debris on a trail. I told her because that's our job and responsiblity. When something doesn't go her way, I tell her it was her decision and we all make choices, she just happened to make the wrong one.
Making bad decisions is part of life. We learn most from things we failed at. Failure can define us in a positive way, changing our coarse in life to move in a direction that supports and reflects success or you can let it define you negatively and you can pine for the rest of your life in search of who to blame.

Only sadness today

Today I learned a gentleman, who I don't know well, but have been working with on a project, decided to kill himself. Because of my unfamiliarity with him I'm trying to figure out why this is bothering me so deeply. I feel like a huge stone block hit me in the chest. Of course I would be sad to hear about anyone wether I knew them well or not would resort to such actions. But having sat in the same room and talked with him a few times it's hard to believe this is real.

I met him last year at a community event. He is a volunteer Fire Fighter for the local station. He seemed nice and gentle. Always with a smile and a passion about the community he worked in. This year I have been working with him more closely, seeing him at monthly meetings and the same comminity event. He just accepted a Leadership role in the Fire dept. Talking with him and seeing him you would never get the impression he had anything wrong beyond the normalcy of life. I don't think I'm alone when I say "he is the last person on earth who I would think could do this"

Of course I'm not privy to the intamacies of his personal life but to give up your life and a life with your daughter you had to be sitting with some pretty evil demons. There are always options and choices. You can always change your life and make it better. So it saddens me to great depths that this person would choose death as an option.  I have been thinking about all the damage and hurt this action will create in his families and daughters life. Leaving them to always wonder what they could have done to help.

There is nothing others can do when someone is on a path of self destruction. You can try and help or push them with counsel but they are the ones who need to decide to change. It doesn't matter what it is, addiction, weight, job, life.... if the person can't see themselves better they will never get better. My heart aches for his family and his daughter who will continue for the rest of her life trying to figure out my she wasn't important enough to make a difference. That's not fair to her. My heart also aches for him because he felt there was no other choice.

I'm glad I chose to make my life better. I never want my family to have to try and understand why I didn't think they were worth it.


170 days sober

Doing Great

I enjoyed reading my last post and realized how long it's been since written. I haven't abandoned my Sobriety, although as the weather improves and the days are growing warmer, old habits of hanging in the front or back yard with a glass of wine are proving to be challenging.
I'm over the cravings and in fact I'm now in the "scared shitless to take a drink phase". I don't think I could drink even if I wanted to. It's like when you get sick eating your favorite food and while you have memories of it being good the thought turns your stomach. OR I should say the idea of waking up hung over isn't worth it.
I'm not sure if you still understand the habit of doing something vs the craving. My cravings are gone but the lingering habit of this is what you do....this is what you've always done, still sits fore front in my mind. Lucky for me I haven't had to change my life too much. I still attend gatherings. I still go with friends to have a drink, I still sit in the front yard with neighbors and talk as the kids race around the streets and we watch the sun go down. This is where I'm lucky and I know I am truly done with alcohol. I think their are a lot of people who feel they need it in their life to function. After 6 months I have been able to balance friends and a social schedule with out needing to drink.
I had a Bunco fundraiser at my house a few weeks ago. Of course you can't host a Bunco party with out Alcohol. Or at least I don't know of a dry Bunco party. I wasn't nervous about not drinking, more about being asked why I wasn't drinking. But about an hour into the party I quickly realized no one even noticed. I was busy with food and making sure everyone elses cocktail was filled. I mastered a mean Margarita with my brand new Blender, which for the first time was introduced to alcohol since I bought it. I did have one clear onset of panic with the first Margarita I made. I realized OMG I can't taste it. which any person would do before passing it on the drinker. I quickly became flustered about what to do. Luckily my wing man that night jumped in and tasted it for me. Which I felt bad because she didn't want to drink either, but she totally saved me. I can't describe the caos in my head when I went to put the spoon to my mouth as habit. A huge alarm went off telling me NOOOOOO! Now that one taste wouldn't have killed me and it wouldn't have set me drinking again. But how much alcohol does it take to realign all the craving triggers in my brain. I didn't even want to find out. I don't or can't risk going through that piece again. So fear is driving my sobriety right now which is just fine. I don't want to touch the stove and find out how hot it is. It's just not worth it.

Beautiful Weekend

OMG it was a beautiful weekend. Saturday I went for a 20 mile run, came back with only 15 under my belt. I rolled my ankle in Soccer Wed and it still was achy and having some issues. The morning was still covered in fog but by the time I took my daughter to soccer the sun was out and stayed out all weekend (a novelty in the PNW in April). I spent most of the day Saturday and Sunday in my yard. It's hard not to get the planting bug. I want to get out there and start adding flowers. There is still frost warnings until the end of May so I don't want to get to excited. I have done that in the past and most end up dying.

So I only thought about drinking a hundred times this weekend. It helped to stay busy and being out in the sun lifted my spirits. I think the hardest day was yesterday. I used to love drinking a beer while I worked in the yard. However, I remember as the day would progress I would get a really good buzz going and I would end up doing something really stupid like start talking to my neighbors. I would always wake up the next day wondering if they could tell how drunk I was. Most would say they didn't even notice. They were either lying or I was really able to handle a large amount of alcohol. OH wait....it was probably both LOL

Saturday night it was nice to sit with the neighbors, me sober and talk. We gathered our chairs, combined efforts for dinner and sat until the sun went down. The kids playing and running up and down the streets. I woke up on Sunday feeling great and ready for another productive day.

Seasonal change

I'm starting to make plans and fill my summer calendar. It seems crazy I would need to start this early, but things like camping, races and such need to be planned out or you will never go. My friend called me to talk about Hood to Coast. This is one of my favorite summer runs. I have talked about the relay in previous blogs but just to recap it's a 12 man relay over 200 miles. On paper it sounds crazy but it's the most motivating thing I do all year. Being in a van for 30 hours straight with people cheering you on, telling you how awesome you are, and sharing stories from the years running schedule is just about the most positive place you can be. At the end of the Relay they have a huge party with a beer garden that takes up an acre. When we come in and finish the relay, we take a Team photo and head straight to the beer garden. My friend and husband are there waiting for me (having been there a while) and ready to play. Even though they have usually had a few by the time I get there, my lack of sleep and pure exhaustion allows for me to become assimilated quickly with just one beer. We stay for a while usually having a few more, then find some place to eat. By then my head is usually about to hit the table and we head to the hotel room and I sleep the best sleep I will have for the entire year.

The following day we rise, shower and head for breakfast. After eating nothing but bagels, cream cheese, Gatorade and beef jerky I'm ready for a full blown breakfast. We see a lot of teams at breakfast that morning. Some walking normal others listing about sore from their experience and lack of training. I'm happy to say I'm no longer sore after Hood to coast. We all get a round of bloody Mary's to start the day. This is the prelude to the events that will take place for the rest of the day. There's not much to do in Seaside but drink and shop which we do for the remainder of our stay. After running 17 miles I can pretty much sit in a bar guilt free eating everything fried or on a bun.

So what does it mean this year. As I was talking with my friend thoughts flicked to "well if I just drank that night that would be okay" Justifying my actions over and over in my head. Then I started feeling guilty for even thinking that. This event is still 3 months away and I'm putting energy toward what's right and wrong. Self Pity sets in because it's not fair. This all took place in less than  15secs.

This is just part of the process of me coming to terms with my sober life. Sober people (truly sober people) never even think twice about such things. Every month I'm needing drinking less and less. There are about 100 obstacles still in my way even before we get to this particular event. All will be challenging and push my conviction to the edge of the cliff where I stand, toes dangling, staring down at the drink I once consumed without even a thought.

Wednesday's Thoughts

It's weird sometimes to think I don't drink any more. It used to be the thought of not drinking was hard to grasp. I used to ask myself "how could I go a night without alcohol" What would I do? Well it seems I do the same things just without a drink in my hand and I feel a hell of a lot better for it. I still miss the social piece, the occasional Sunday afternoon drink. It's hard to picture what this summer is going to be like. My favorite time to park the chair in the driveway, soak up some sun and have a glass of wine.
 I'm not feeling as much self pity these days about not drinking because I feel the benefits of being sober everyday. I don't feel tethered to the detailed planning of drinking. Yes there is a plan. I couldn't go out to dinner without a plan of drinking....who will drive, how many can I drink and how much will I need when I get home, what do I have going on tomorrow do I need to make sure I don't over drink, do I have enough Gatorade at home to hydrate.
 The freedom of not having to constantly be planning for drinking is huge. When you are drinking everyday you don't realize how much effort and planning went into your habit. Not that I'm utilizing my recovered time to get more done. That is one thing I can say about drinking. When I would get a few in me I could get a lot done.
Thoughts creep in and out of my head through out the day but they have definitely changed to more an epiphany of "wow" how deep I really was into drinking. Amazed at the balancing I did to make sure I could drink on a regular basis.

It's nice to have my mind and body back in total control.

Easter Day

I'm finding I need this blog less and less as time goes on. At this point living sober is not an extreme event it's becoming more and more part of my life. I still have thoughts about "am I done with Alcohol forever" is there a day that maybe some day I will take a drink?

Easter day like all holidays have been fueled by alcohol. I would usually get up and get our dinner going and sometime around 12:00 I would start drinking. I usually would stick to beer because I knew I would be drinking all day and drinking wine (which I preferred) would put me close the the edge of sloppiness to quickly. We would eat and then gather outside for our coveted egg hunt. If it was sunny we would hide eggs for each other until the shells finally came off . There were always some that never made it back into the house and became food for some creature in the back yard.

I wouldn't say it was hard this year being sober, just different. I made Brunch instead of Dinner and I still looked forward to hiding eggs. It was fun but I could feel the difference in the level of excitement on my part. Alcohol always make the silliest things, like hiding Easter eggs more exciting and fun. We went a few rounds enjoying the sun but I quickly lost interest. My heart just wasn't into it. In fact the whole day I felt quite out of sorts. I wasn't really in the mood to entertain and had my present company had other places to go I probably would have opted out of Brunch all together.

 When you are drinking it's almost like time doesn't exist and you can sit and have the most compelling conversations. Sober I feel like conversations are hard and don't have a natural flow. This isn't in everyday life. But in everyday the conversations are usually around the task at hand. I need to find my place in this sober social circle, reinvent my social character as it were. I know it will come with time, but I think this is the negative stereo type you hear about when Sober people attend the party. They're boring, or "they just don't get what I'm saying". I'm not standing around brooding about not drinking, in fact I really only thought of it a few times. I'm just having a hard time feeling the same intense emotion about the topic of conversation that usually comes while drinking. I notice and feel time clicking by.

I have many more events coming up this year where the dynamic of me being sober will change things. Once this year is done and I'm finally past all the social settings where alcohol played such a key role I hoping to finally find my comfort zone.

101 days Sober :)

We are our own worst enemy

Your mind is not a simple place to live. “There are many things you can avoid in life but you can’t avoid yourself”. This was spoken to me by a friend who battled severe depression and was able to finally identify and heal herself. We were discussing, why is it so impossible to correct ones behaviors when you know it is physically or mental destroying you and all around you. Why is the answer so clear to others but not to you? Is it we don’t really see the problem or we choose not to deal with it. What is your own personal trigger to finally make you change? Is it when you get a DUI (what if you killed someone first and never got the DUI)? What number on the scale finally convinces you that you need to lose weight?  Is it waiting until your life is half over before you decide to seek counseling (had you gone to counseling earlier you could be living the life you are so desperately seeking)

I knew for a long time I had a problem but I was able to keep within the acceptable social parameters. Finally it was grossly apparent I was no longer maintaining social standards so I knew I needed to change. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t like the fact I couldn’t do what I love most, but the alternative was not an option. My family was too important to me. Was my family the only leverage my mind needed to pry open my eyes and finally look in the mirror. Why wasn’t my own self worth enough?

I’m perplexed even in the face of my own addiction the inability people have to not see the writing on the wall. This isn’t just in addiction, this is in many ways we approach life. It makes me sad to have people close to me who don’t see themselves with enough self-worth so they continue toward self –destruction. Not caring about the wake of loss they leave in their path.  

We are our own worst enemy and the battle to do what’s right by our bodies and our lives will always be hard. But there is support and people who rely on you as friends and family and that should be enough leverage to do the right thing.

Subconscious Thinking

Early this morning I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real and when you wake up you were thankful that is wasn't. I don't know all the details but I was into a big project and when we finished (not sure who we was) we went back to the house. I was offered a beer and without thinking I drank it. I didn't have the swooning effects that alcohol gives you but I remember drinking one after another. During this time I didn't realize something was wrong. It felt normal and fine but I just remembered opening one beer after another and cans started piling up off to the side. We (again not really sure who we were) were laughing, talking and having a great time. Then my husband came in. He asked me what I was doing. It became crystal clear as to what was wrong. All my convictions were staring me in the face and I felt like a complete failure. I repeatedly tried to explain to him "they had handed me a beer and it didn't seem wrong", "I didn't realize what was happening". I just knew it was all because of that one beer. I remember feeling so much guilt and remorse during my dream. Trying to wish back that first beer, seeing the disappointment in my husband.

I awoke sleepily and laid there happy it was just a dream. It was an odd feeling to realize one beer means so much to me still. I know I can't have even just one. In reality I would never even start to drink now, but even though it was a dream the guilt felt so real. I'm glad I had the dream it's very clear to me what I would feel like if I decided to drink again.

It's easier to be healthy Sober

Doesn't that look Yummy. I'm sure some of you would think if it's green there has to be something in there the doesn't taste good. You couldn't be more wrong. It is sweet and has a tangy flavor.

I have found it so much easier to be healthy and eat right since I've stopped drinking. I used to eat the most horrible crap because I was hung over. Not just the calories from the alcohol but all the salty stuff I would eat to help tame the dehydration and sour stomach. McDonald's breakfast was my go to staple every morning. I would always tell myself "just eat the sausage McMuffin with egg" but eventually I would reach down and grab the hash brown.  Day after day. If I hadn't been running I would have been as large as a house.

My body is in great balance. I don't need or crave salt like I used too. I can wake up make a smoothie and be satisfied and actually feel good because of all the vitamins, fiber, and nutrients I'm getting. I'm controlling my portion sizes because my body isn't working overtime to purge itself from alcohol.

Green Super Smoothie

2 handfuls of spinach (baby preferred)
One banana
Frozen Peaches
Strawberries (any berries you add will change the color to not so green but still really yummy)
Juice (Pineapple, Orange, Guava, White Grape)
Vanilla yogurt or Vanilla Protein

This recipe is does not have exact quantities. I just put in what I have or think I would like. The other day I had left over fruit salad from dinner and through that in. There are plenty of recipes on-line for different types of smoothies. The spinach is what gives you the boost so don't change out that ingredient.

I have been eating this for breakfast for a few weeks and am totally hooked.

My new Koru Charm

I had posted at the early stages of my sobriety a picture of a bracelet I could wear to remind me of how close to the edge I was walking. It seems even more important I have this talisman to help me continue forward. The farther I get away from that time in my life, the more I forget what a deep hole I had put myself into. Its similar to child birth. The first time you are oblivious of the pain so you agree to subject your body to it. You have the baby and for the first few months you are constantly reminded of how freaking hard it was and the pain is forefront in your mind. Then about 18months later, after your body has put itself back together and the pain is a distance memory you decide that it sounds like a great idea again. Only to be in the middle of labor you start asking yourself why the hell you signed up twice. This is why we have only two children (that among other reasons like money)

I woke up this morning for the first time understanding and accepting that I'm sober. I know there will still be hard days and things will come up and my urges will tear at me. This morning I felt my new habit of sobriety has finally given way to my old habit of drinking. It's hard to explain but something just clicked. I don't feel the inner battle. I'm okay staying sober.......I just totally start crying. Apparently the relief is finally worth all the struggle. It only took 73 days.

I have chosen the symbol above instead of the bracelet. It is the Koru symbol from New Zealand. It represents the fern frond's new growth. Native Maori meaning represents spirit, tranquility and new growth or new beginnings. I thought this was more appropriate and encompasses my life right now and going forward. I'm hoping it will fit on the same necklace right next to my 26.2 charm. Both sobriety and marathons have a lot in common. They both take a lot of strength, endurance, and time.

Random thoughts of a very tired but sober person

We don't have many days especially in the spring when we wake to blue skies.74 and beautiful. I was incredibly busy again today...it has been like this for two and half weeks, but I had a chance to enjoy the sun for a while. I got a run in while my daughter was in Soccer. As I was running I came across a friend I don't get the chance to see very often. We were able to run together for about 2 miles and then we had to go our separate ways. I finished me daughters room and love the color. It's a Peacock blue. The house is almost in order just a few more things to gather up and take to Goodwill.

I'm exhausted. Plain and simple. I had a few times today when I thought about drinking. I think about drinking at the funniest times of day. Today I was driving home after my run and the thought popped in my head. It's like my body forgets and my mind quickly reminds it that we don't do that anymore. Tonight I was cleaning up the kitchen and bent over to pick up a sock (why was there a sock in the kitchen?) I suddenly remembered all the times my husband is out of town and how I used to drink because it would take away the anxiety of being alone at night. Or that's the excuse I gave myself. I'm fine and haven't drank even though he has been gone. It was just a funny thought that popped into my head. I was also intrigued at how soft my hair is right now. I'm eating better and drinking lots of water....it should be softer. I'm healthier.

I think that's about it for random thoughts. Everyone is in bed and I should be there as well. The rain will be back tomorrow...very sad but it was a wonderful day today.

Trading one drug for another

I had coffee with a friend today...actually my running partner. She is injured right now and can't run. She shared with me she is in a huge funk. She has no motivation, slightly depressed, and moody. Telling a runner that they can't run is like telling an alcoholic they can't drink. I know this because I'm both.

For a runner nothing is better than being on the road. Feeling your heart beat, having mental stillness footfall after footfall. You feel exhaustion, pain, and most of all you feel endorphins.

Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters.^[1] They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise,^[2] excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm,^[3][4] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being.

The last sentence is Key......they resemble opiates
Running is an addiction to me. I need it to sleep well, keep my sanity and I enjoy the depth of pain that my body can go through to complete a long run. If I don't run every few days I become edgy and antsy. I feel trapped or start to get into a Funk. I was so exhausted after last week and wasn't sure how I was going pull off 14 miles. But once I started running all the pressure of my tasks went away. The road became the serenity I had been desperately seeking all week. When I start to become busy, running is the first thing I take out of my schedule. I used to never have the same courtesy with alcohol. I could always fit that in or force it in more like it. Running is my new drug of choice right now and has been since I was a little kid.  Am I trading one drug for another? Some could argue Yes, but at least this is a healthier choice in life.