Ahh...it's Friday

This week seems to have flown by. Part of me enjoys being busy, but the other part starts to analyze each week. Pondering the total number of weeks I have on this earth. Did I really spend this week doing things worth while enough to have my life ticket punched one more time. I guess because I'm cresting on the downward swing of life (the very top of the hill so to speak) my mortality is starting to have more significance and every week that flies by, sounds like the tick of a clock which holds a finite amount of minutes.

All the more reason to stay sober and not waste any more time being hung over or unable to function. Although part of drinking for me was living life and enjoying time with friends. Giving me the numbness I needed to sit still and not feel guilty about all the things I should be doing. But you can never really get rid of the guilt because eventually you sober up and have to be held accountable for all the things you should have been doing right?

So I have been on the fence about showing my husband this blog. It has been my space and my place to put down my feelings without worrying about what anyone thinks. I also haven't been prepared to share my new sobriety with many. This has kept me in check, forcing me to stay off the pulpit and preach sobriety to everyone. I hate it when someone finds that new diet or fad and they insist it will change your life (well this will change your life but only on your terms). I'm a talker and if someone knows what I'm going through then I'm going to want to talk about. And to be honest I still feel like I want the out. If I tell people then I have to hold myself accountable for the expectations I make public. This is ludicrous of course because I don't want to drink anymore and I'm very resolved to stay sober. But the alcoholic in me is still secretly wishing to hear the click in my brain that tells me I can start drinking again and "THIS" time it will be different. This is where the marathon of sobriety starts. You are feeling good and you speed up a bit feeling confident for the first few miles. As the time wears on and the miles click by, you start to feel the pain, dehydration and fatigue. The need to stop and walk are so great but you know you will hate yourself if you do.

I know I need to start telling people. Not everyone. I don't want to start labeling myself to all of my peers. But I need the support and feedback from my inner circle. So they can help me stay on track. My husband needs to help me, which he does already but unless he has been reading this blog secretly. He truly doesn't understand the depth of my conviction and the edge I'm standing on everyday.