Since this is a blog written by a female it's only befitting to address my addiction and it's counter part PMS. If this is not something you want to read about then click off. If you are dying to learn more about the monthly cycle and it's wicked connection to drinking read on.........
I have known a long time there was a relative connection between my drinking and my cycle. Both are filled with emotion and often on a roller coaster with deep turns and steep descents. Some believe PMS is a farce. I'm here to tell you it's a real issue and unlike fine wine does not get better with age. Not to be used as an EXCUSE for poor behavior but something to be mindful of. And for someone who is struggling with an addiction this can reek havoc in your mind and make quitting difficult or next to impossible.
As I'm aging PMS is becoming harder to control. I feel like a teenager again, not sure what my body is going through and where it's headed. I feel some days I have lost my mind. I can't remember simple details. I will walk into a room twenty times not knowing what the hell I went in there for. I'm short tempered and easily irritated. I'm tired and the smallest things become overwhelming. I argue with anyone about things I'm sure are of the utmost importance.
Sound like anything else familiar????
These are the symptoms of addiction, only they are in my body and I can't just set the glass down and walk away (not that I could do that anyway).
I noticed my drinking would start building as my cycle came closer. About a week before I was going to start, the urge to drink would be so overwhelming, nothing you could say or do would persuade me to act differently. This is when my most destructive drinking would take place. My emotions were raw and exposed, drinking helped tame them or at least put a soft blanket over them so I didn't feel so intense. It's like going to the movies, the music and sound are extremely loud. When you put ear plugs in, the sound becomes muffled and soothing. You can finally relax and hear your own heartbeat. However, the evil twin in this soothing process, is waking up hungover and sick. Your body is already rebelling against you with cascade of hormones and the vicious cycle of self deprecating begins.
It took me many years to see the pattern and the connection between my need to drink and my cycle. But it was also giving me another excuse to drink myself into a mind numbing coma.
Then after days of agony I start. It feels like magic as the hormones purge from my body. I feel this release from stress and the burden of unhappiness would finally dissipate. I will start having thoughts of how much I love my husband and even fantasize about him (someone, just two days ago, I was plotting to move away from. To live in a communal project with just women who could relate to my madness) I think clearly again and my energy comes back. I would also not drink as much. Often those were the only nights I could cut myself, only having one or two glasses. I felt like a normal drinking person.
Well I have found out, running or exercise have the same effect on PMS as alcohol with much greater day after and long term results. I felt like I should share this because I know there are a lot of women who are probably trapped in the same way. The cycle of alcohol and the womanly cycle. One feeding the other. You drink because you are emotional and you are emotional because you drink. I picture this cyclical event as the snake eating itself. When ever I wanted to take a break from alcohol I would always quit at the end of my cycle. My cravings would be less intense and sometimes not at all.
Sober 39 days. I have now finished two cycles. The first was at the beginning of my sobriety and the cravings were hard. I wanted my old friend to comfort me and make the emotional demons go away. I'm now in the blissful stage of euphoria having started two days ago. But while I had my same symptoms, irritability, tiredness, lack of initiative, I wasn't feeding my PMS with alcohol. I was more in control. I had a greater sense of why I was feeling so erratic. So while this won't ever go away (so sorry for my loving husband) I have a better understanding in the moment and can at least try and offset the "Crazy Michelle" which surfaces once a month.
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