Eat Pray Run

I have finally determined a strategy to my sobriety for the next month. A motto of sorts.

EAT, PRAY, RUN.

Eat- I will choose foods which will help me cleanse and repair my body. I will make meals that will be unique, give satisfaction, and make me happy. They will be healthy but give comfort as well. My family and I will eat at the dinner table.

Pray- I will call upon the positive feelings of sobriety by spending 10 minutes each day in meditation. I will focus on what sobriety will give me, what I have accomplished the previous day because I was sober and what I'm going to do that day to stay sober.

Run- I am going to stick to my running schedule. I will run 4 days a week and complete 3 days of strength training. On my rest days I will do 20min of Yoga celebrating my sobriety.

This is the simplest plan I can come up with. I feel it's realistic and achievable. I feel it will give me the support and reward I will be needing this first month.

One change or many?

I have been doing a lot of research into habits, change etc. I find myself wanting a total overhaul. I want to start a rigorous training schedule, I want to declutter, I want to redo our financial picture and how we spend money.....it goes on and on. I know drinking has taken me down a dark path and caused me to stop doing a lot of things that I used to do. I know I have an addictive personality. I can never do anything half way, its all or nothing. To be successful I need to really focus on this one thing and believe the rest will come as I heal and change this one habit in my life. I want to have goals and something to help me focus on improving my life, but I find myself replacing one addiction with another. I want to overhaul my whole life next week.

I'm going to continue to work on my game plan and set better dates and time lines. I need to make sure I don't push myself to fast. I need to focus on the first change which is ridding my life of alcohol. Masking it will only keep it there hidden under the blanket of something else. Someday I will have to pull back the blanket and face what's underneath.

Changing Habits

The hardest part is going to be changing the Habit of drinking. I have had the same routine of drinking since 1994. It wasn't as bad as it is now but drinking has been almost daily since then. My habit started as early as High school with Friday and Saturday night parties. When I was first dating and married Friday evolved in Pizza night. I can remember we could get a 12pk for $5.50 and pizza for $10 and that's pretty much all we could afford. That was our entertainment. Then as time went on, due to my job my Friday could be a Tuesday or a Thursday, however my husband worked Monday through Friday so we would still have Friday night Pizza. This when the layering of multiple days of drinking started. Another Habit that has evolved is dinner time. Every night right before I begin to make dinner I open a bottle of wine. I drink while I'm cooking. Have a glass at dinner. Then I'm having another glass while I'm cleaning up. Then I sit down to watch TV with another glass.........I drink till I go to bed. I have been racking my brain as to why. Most people they drink to mask feelings or deal with a hard job etc.. I don't know why I drink outside of that is what I have done for years. The only thing I don't like about my life is drinking. I can only think it's out of habit. There is an addiction but it feels like an addiction to the habit not necessarily the drinking. I will probably get some rebuttals about that statement. Of course I'm addicted to the alcohol too but it seems like the habit will be harder to get rid of than the alcohol. Does that make sense? The only reason alcohol has now taken such a bad turn is my tolerance to it. I don't have the mechanism in my brain that allows me to stop after one or two. I usually stop when it's time for bed. I have never liked to be sloppy or out of control. I have done my share of shots but I never understood why people do them.  I just like the study buzz. Because I have drank for so many years, to maintain that study buzz requires a lot of alcohol. Which in turns has great effect on the next day and this is where it is interfering with my life. This is when I wish I was like the other 75% of the world that can have two glasses of wine and be done. My husband is one of those people. Sorry off on a rant. Anyway the habit of drinking.........I think of changing this habit on a daily basis. Understanding the habit and figuring out it's triggers are going to make me successful in overcoming it.
I have been online searching for ideas and guidance. I have found a website/blog called http://zenhabits.net/. There are a lot of great ideas and information. There is so much information it will take some time to go through but so far I really like his approach to life. This is one of the articles I have read about changing a habit. http://zenhabits.net/the-habit-change-cheatsheet-29-ways-to-successfully-ingrain-a-behavior/

This is what Holidays look like at my house

As I continue toward the road to Sobriety I'm finding myself looking at things a lot differently. Everyday I have been analysing my behaviors, thinking about the next week and trying to sort through the emotion of quitting drinking. Yesterday I had a knock on the door. I open it to see my neighbor with a wonderful bottle of wine with a pretty red bow. Merry Christmas she said and we talked for a while. Later that day I get a text from the neighbor behind us....I left something on the fence for you. Another beautiful and expensive bottle of wine. Last night we went to my Mother-n-laws house for Christmas eve dinner. We are opening presents and she goes outside and comes back in with not one but two baskets of goodies. In them was 3 bottles of wine, a wine aerator (which I have wanted for a long time....until now), 2 22oz bottles  of my husbands favorite beer and a six pack of Jubiale from my Husbands favorite brewery. OMG..............
I had to start giggling to myself. This is crazy. Here I am on the verge of a complete melt down because I want to quit and everyone is so generous and thoughtful and getting me what I have always wanted.
This is what my outside fridge and counter look like right now, this morning.......

In some ways this is a complete nightmare, but I have to say I have some wonderful friends. They don't know and won't know for a while that I'm gong to stop drinking. I know this gift giving is just because of the Holidays, I don't have friends dropping wine off at my house on a daily basis. Alcohol is always the easiest things for people to buy. Of course it is .....everyone likes wine and beer.
The sad part is I won't have much trouble polishing this off by Jan 2. Having a New Years get together will eliminate most and I'm sure I will help get rid of the rest.

Seven more days till Jan 2





I guess I needed Partnership afterall

This morning I opened my inbox and discovered that Mark from The Clean Life has replied to a post and is now a follower. I didn't realize how much of a relief it was going to be. To have someone, who has gone through the same thing I am, to be reading my blog. It brought up so much emotion. My blog so far has been a diary in a way. It was fine to be private but as I continue through this process I knew I needed someone to listen. I have two wonderful friends who are helping me right now and will continue to help, but the rest I'm trying to keep private. While many may disagree, I don't want to explain to people the change in my behavior. I have said so many times "I'm done, I quit" to stop for a while and then fall back into old habits. My conviction to do this is strong but I want it to come from deep in my heart. Not because I don't want to loose face with the people I hang around. I don't want to talk about this with anyone who hasn't been through what I'm going through right now. With all that said I know I need to have someone, outside, unbias and unrelated to listen. I finally figured out that is the kind of accountability I am seeking.

 I'm hoping that one day someone will read my blog and see what it is I have been going through and be able to change their life. Thank you Mark. For your kind words and support.

THE CLEAN LIFE: Keeping A Positive Attitude Towards Your Journey To Sobriety#comment-form

THE CLEAN LIFE: Keeping A Positive Attitude Towards Your Journey To Sobriety#comment-form

 I really liked reading this posting. A lot of what I read are from people who their whole lives have crumbled around them. My life isn't crumbling and I feel pretty normal. So how or why do I think I need to change. If I'm an alcoholic then it must be effecting my family some way. But really is it. I have somehow held it together up till now. Maybe I'm lucky enough that I'm catching this before I fall completely apart. Or maybe when I finally become sober I will look back and realize what has REALLY been happening.
It's been difficult finding someone like me. A house wife with a social drinking problem.

Looking for Blogs in all the wrong places

I have been in search of some blogs I can follow to see others who are going through the same thing. I'm finding sites but they all seem abandon. I did find one so I posted it there on the left of Blogs I follow. After reading this Gentleman's blog he seemed pretty aligned with how I want to tackle this part of my life. He also had a recent post so hopefully I will be able to have a partnership for a while. There is still a lot that he had posted on his site that I haven't read yet so I will continue to work through it.

I have been really grumpy the last week or so. My husband has noticed it and I have noticed it. I just want to get through the next two weeks. It seems so silly....why don't I just quit now. But I think finally today I understand the process that I'm going through. Since I'm still drinking I'm really looking at this from all sides. When I wake up hung over it reminds me of my conviction to do this and then as the day goes on and my cravings are getting stronger it's helping me identify what I'm going to be going through. All the way around sober or drunk I realize it needs to stop. And having an end date is becoming more and more easy to swallow. I have spent so much time thinking about Jan 2.  I'm supposed to be blogging about my game plan right now but I think I already understand what the plan is.
So for the next few days I will be researching body cleansing and trying to find more people I can connect with so I can have support.

Game Plan Day 6

I feel better after yesterdays post. I know it's going to be hard but this morning laying in bed my frustration with myself continues. I wanted to get up and go running but the antics of the night before caused me to be lazy. Instead of doing, I was just thinking, This really doesn't help me loose weight, feel better about myself, or help me get things done around the house. Ian yesterday said he couldn't believe it was almost Christmas. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm starting not to like the Christmas. I'm excited for the kids but for me it's so much work to find the right gift. Often times it goes unappreciated or wasn't what they wanted. The gifts have turned into elaborate items. Why can't it be simple or why can't it be just about being together. Like I said the kid piece I totally get. I want them to have fun and get excited but as an adult that's enough for me. Apparently Ian is finally frustrated with the gifts I give so this year he has bought all his own. Or he took pictures and then I went to go get them, WOW Merry F$%&*@# Christmas. I'm surrounded by 3 people who gift giving is the hardest piece and get nothing but contempt when I try to do something. I'm sure these three people would totally disagree but I have sat in the room enough times watching them open a gift and see it in their face. I've tried the "lets just get the kids something". Or lets just give one thing. One year Ian and I didn't exchange gifts at all and it was wonderful. I really wish we could do that. I wish we could do that all the way around birthdays, anniversary etc.

Well there are only 5 days left and it will be over. Then I will move on to the next big change in my life. This will bring a more positive attitude and rejuvenation on my part. A focus on Spiritual not material.

Poor Follow through

I haven't been writing very much this week. There has been a lot going on and finding time hasn't been the easiest. Time is still ticking, counting down the days. My thoughts have switched to more sadness. I have even started to think I have taken this too far. Why can't I drink, nobody is telling me to stop. I continue to think about everyone else drinking. In my book Mark Truschell talks about how at first you are going to have a lot of feelings like this. My resolve was so pure a few weeks ago but I'm starting to loose ground. I found myself thinking of all the events that will be coming up this next year and I won't be able to drink.
Deep down in my gut I know I want this to happen. Sitting here typing this shows me that I need my life to change. Alcohol is too big a part of my life.
Things I'm looking forward to.....
Waking up feeling good
Being able to work out every day
My thoughts are clear my memory stronger
Better follow through
Able to manage more tasks again.
Getting my life more organized. 
See I feel better already.

Let's get together for a glass of wine.....

Last night I received a call from a friend I haven't heard from in a while, but enjoy talking to. We hang out occasionally, usually in the driveway with a glass of wine enjoying the sunshine. She has had some real crazy stuff happen again this year for the holidays. It sucks, this is the 2nd year in a row that they have had to completely change their plans to help someone else. They don't mind because they are good people. But for the same reason it would be nice for them to enjoy the Holidays at home.
Anyway, we were talking and like most every conversations it ends with an invitation to come have a glass of wine sometime. I don't have to worry about that invite just yet and quite honestly it won't happen until probably our first snow storm or a nice warm sunny day. More than anything it just makes me sad. It reminds me that I am the one with the problem and I have to change. Why does drinking mean so much. If it's bad for me why do I continue to do it. I think it's not really saying goodbye to drinking, it's saying goodbye to a huge social piece of my life. I enjoy the conversations, and it seems people are so busy but if you say "hey come have a drink" they make the time to hang out. Then theres the... I can't quit without causing suspicion. The last time I didn't have a drink at a party or when offered I was pregnant. AND everyone new I was because why else wouldn't I drink. So back to figuring out what to say. The first month will be easy. I usually always try and do a cleansing month in Jan. My feeble attempt to show myself that I could stop if I really wanted too. I have my training to fall back on. I will be working hard to get back into shape, loose some weight, and get ready for the runs I have planned this year. I really don't want to be the Leper or make myself open to discussion about what I'm going through. So it's important that I work through this so don't feel like I have to dump my whiny alcoholic self on someone.

So much thought into a simple statement "Let's get together for a glass of wine"

Monday

Had a great weekend. Ran 5 miles Saturday which was a lot harder than it should have been. Mainly because I haven't been staying on any sort of training schedule. Other than that I found myself again analyzing over and over the not drinking piece. It seems silly some days because I know I don't want to drink anymore but then I tell myself I have set a date and stick with it. Instead of just being done already and saying no more.
So my thoughts focused on what to do with my time and the dreaded 2:00p hour. Both start to signal me it's time to drink. During the week is much easier for me. I'm busy have places to go, projects, and then by the time the kids get home I need to start our nightly routine.I can't drink all day even if I wanted to. The weekends propose a whole other set of challenges. I'm not good being idle. All morning yesterday I kept wondering around the house trying to find things to do. The only problem with this is my husband gets really uptight when I start projects and make a mess. I'm not saying that because He gets uptight I can't do projects therefore I have no other choice but to drink. That is NOT what I'm saying. However I do enable myself quite a bit because the alcohol lets me sit or have an attitude so I don't care if I'm bugging the shit out of him.
 I'm already starting to have negative thoughts around this piece. So I need to figure out what I'm going to do on the weekends. I typically run on Saturdays and then I'm motivated to do something the rest of the day. Sunday I will need to find an outlet. I was going to ask my friend to see if she would like to start walking every Sunday morning. Just so again I can start my day in a positive motion. I will just have to keep thinking about it and come up with alternatives.

Game plan Day 5

On FB I found this website that makes these bracelets. Part of setting goals is having rewards. So this is my 3 month reward. It says "strength". It's not a cheap little thing either which is why it's 3 month goal reward. I want it now so that it can help remind me but I feel like I at least need to earn it first. I know I will get this bracelet because I will make my 3 month goal.

Can or Can't wait

Proud of myself last night. I actually cut myself off. I still had the reminder of last weekend sitting in the forefront of my brain. Did not want to relive Sunday. It's not like I don't ever cut myself off, but it is pretty few and far between. I get in these moods when I'm drunk and realize "what will another glass do at this point. I'm already going to be hung over.....who cares". Well I care the next morning when I wake up.
So on to another day of thinking about sobriety. It always sounds like an incredible idea in the morning. I'm motivated to change my life, get back on track, throw the bottles in the trash. Then around 1:00pm I start to justify that if I have just one bottle of wine it will be fine. I start figuring out how I'm going to do my workout the next day if I can't wake up early. I spend a lot of useless time worrying and trying to figure out how I can drink. THIS IS CRAZY huh? If you ever had a question whether you are an alcoholic I think if you can relate to those last few sentences then YES you are.
Everyday I have been thinking about sobriety and how it will fit in my life. Why is this so hard. To someone that doesn't drink or can control their drinking this must sound so idiotic. The urge sometimes can completing make me do irrational things. Not dangerous things just silly ways to justify my behavior. Once I get started on my sobriety I will get into the details of how I got to this point. Until then you must endure the planning stage how I'm going to make it through a year with out drinking.

Game Plan Day 4

I added a new page to my blog. Mark Tuschel talks about writing down why you want to stay sober. What does it mean to you. I agree this is important. There will be a lot of frustration that is going to come up in the next year. With myself for not being able to handle alcohol, friends who can drink, all the social events and things we do  that have always had alcohol in the mix. I need  something to look back on to remind me of where I was and what was causing chaos in my life. It's not completely done. I will continue to add more to it as I think about why becoming sober needs to happen.

Game Plan Day 3

I was out of the loop for a few days. We went to an annual event this weekend and had a great time. Of course my social friend was along for the ride and I paid him dearly on Saturday night. Open Bar, wine at dinner never a good combination. Suffered for it all day on Sunday. Manage to rehydrate and woke feeling good on Monday only to undermined myself yet again. I have figured out what or I should say who will be my biggest challenge.
I have a friend that I have had for years, let call him Lonnie. Lonnie and I have been through thick and thin and each have a social friend who goes with us to everything. I was thinking yesterday that this is going to be my hugest obstacle. Actually my hugest obstacle is myself but this is what Lonnie and I do. We really don't have much else. I'm sure your thinking to yourself then stop hanging around him. Well it's not that easy. I have known him since I was 7. 35 years, he's really not just a friend he is family.

So a goal that I'm adding will be "things and outlets" to do with Lonnie that don't involve drinking. Some days this will be easy other days like yesterday will be harder. So I will be thinking on this over the next few weeks to mentally prepare myself. If I have an action plan I know I will be stronger. Just saying I won't hang out with him is not an option.

 In the words of Mark Tuschel, I am the only one who causes me to drink. I am the only one who has to say NO. It's not right to enforce my beliefs or restrictions on others. I am the one who decides whether I drink or not.

Game Plan Day 2

I posted my first draft of my goals. Look to the left for the Page tab. I have been thinking about them for a few weeks. I will add to them as the next few weeks progress. The main focus is the Long term goals. Sobriety is my main focus but if I don't have something else to hold my attention then I will be easily swayed. The next on my Long term list is the Goofy Challenge. I have been wanting to run a marathon at Disneyland for a while. It always seems crazy to spend that much money until I came across the Goofy Challenge. It's a Half on Saturday and then a Full Marathon on Sunday. This is worth every penny. The next and probably more challenging will be to run leg five of Hood to Coast. For the past few years I have been holding out doing easier runs. I am the slowest on the team so it's been easy to do this. Well this year I want to train for leg 5. If you don't know what that is, here is a link and you can see leg 5 is a monster and not a leg most want to run.
hoodtocoast.com/map
You actually want to look at leg 5, 17, and 29 I will have to run all three.
The last but key ingredient for a successful year will be to loose 20 pounds. I haven't determined how I'm going to go about this. Looking at my goal chart it would seem this should naturally happen but I have been living with this weight for years and managed to squeak my way through 3 marathons and countless Half marathons. I know it is most definitely Alcohol related. Cutting out drinking I should save about 750 calories a day.
You are probably asking yourself how the hell have you been able to do all these things and drink 750 calories worth of Alcohol a night. Well not very well and certainly not lately. Which is why my Social friend needs to go away. Once we get past the Game Plan stage I'm sure I will touch base on how I have managed to get to this point in my life. Until then just understand that I have been drinking for a long time. I am a master at. I just don't want that at the top of my list of what I do anymore.

Game Plan Day 1

In the book, Living Sober Sucks (but living drunk sucks more) Mark talks about having a game plan. I have been thinking about this for weeks. At first I thought it was silly to wait and then I reflected back on all my attempts  to get rid of my social friend and they always started with a date. I totally agree that you need to have time to kick your social friend to the curb. The main reason is to have a game plan of how you are going to deal with not drinking. Especially for me where social drinking and entertaining are such a huge part of my life.
We are now into the Holiday season so trying to stop drinking now is like trying to go on a Diet while on vacation. Pretty sure most would fail. But the reverse of this is too go on the "diet"after you come home from gorging yourself on the delights of Holiday. I will deal with the Holiday season next year after hopefully having 11 months of Sobriety under my belt.
So the date is set.......so cliche'.........New Years Day. Actually Jan 2nd. It's a Monday and really football and a good bloody Mary will be in tall order after New Years Eve. Just being honest.
Okay...I have 31 days to get the rest of my Game Plan together.

Mark Tuschel

I've been reading Mark Tuschel's Living Sober Sucks (living drunk sucks more). I can really relate to this book which is why I have chose Blogging as my means to an end. I feel like he is more of who I am. I have no desire to go to AA or other meetings. I don't feel like I belong. Yes we all have the same Social friend we are tyring to kick off the bus, but I am more of a DIY person. The argument can certainly be said "well if you don't need help from others then why haven't you stopped already". Because like Mark Tuschel, the only perosn who can stop entertaining your social friend is YOU. Anyway, Living Sober Sucks has really given me insight to the type of drunk I am. I felt like Mark's story is similiar to mine in the fact we both are high functioning Alcohlics. I also like his no nonsense approach. I'm an adult. I know what I am, I don't need kid gloves, signing songs of Kumbaya, and the society breakdown of "its a desease". He is the Dennis Leary of Sobriety, I love that. Please don't think I'm knocking AA and other programs. Individuals need to do what feels right for them. There is no one true diet....they are effective indvidually. I'm just thankful I found Mark Tuschel.

http://www.livingsobersucks.com/about_me

First Day, hoping for many more

I have been thinking about this day for a while. Oh there have been many times I have set dates, made plans to only drink on certain days, had cleansing months, etc. It all sounds silly but when something you have been doing for so long suddenly takes you down a different path no matter how bad it is, its hard to quit. Especially when it is such a huge part of your life.
I always felt that some day I would wake up and that would be it. I would be done.  Unfortunately I have had to wake up many mornings with the same plea to myself to stop. Well it wasn't just one morning but multiple lately that really made me realize something had to change.
Writing my profile was hard. I had to actually write the word Alcoholic. I've always know that I am but as a very refined social drinker I was able to make it through most of my life with it on the back burner.
With that said. I have decided to try and quit. I know you are saying to yourself "try". In the words of the mighty Jedi Master   “Do or do not... there is no try.” I agree. But after many years of  making promises to myself and others Try is what I'm willing to give right now. Here is my goal. I need to set a date, come up with a deterent plan, and keeping blogging. Because of my past failures I don't want to involve others. This is something I need to do and the road is going to be bumpy and I can't share that failure with others. I guess right now I'm giving myself an out. My first goal is to not use it.