22days and 13.1 miles

I haven't ran over 8 miles since August. I have been half marathon ready for 4 years. This means that on any given day I could go out and run 13 miles, if I chose to do so. Even in the wake of alcohol I could pull this off. So when I say I fell into the deep end, the pool being a bottomless pit of wine, I was not exaggerating.
Just a reminder to those who may have not been following along, I have drank daily or at least 4 times a week for as long as I can remember. At least since I was 23 and could afford to do so. I would adjust my drinking (or not) based on what I had to do the next day. One of my many strategies to maintain functionality. The scales finally tipped at the end of 2010. I had just finished my second marathon in October. I was exhausted and my body needed to heal so I took time off from running. Running is my"strategy for controlled drinking" and without it my vice quickly began to run full course. Disgusted with myself by January and needing to run again I decided to sign up for another marathon in June (this would fix my wanting to drink all the time HA!). My previous marathon was in October and really put a damper on my summer fun. I didn't like the fact that last summer I couldn't sit in the sun, enjoying cocktails when ever I wanted (which was everyday). If I ran the marathon in June,  I would be in great shape, which would carry over to my Hood to Coast run (a 12 man relay covering 197 miles) in August.  I could enjoy the summer and then when the kids went back to school I would start my training again. I WAS CONCEIVING A DRINKING PLAN FOR 7 MONTHS IN THE FUTURE. This should have raised a Red flag the size of Texas. So January came around and I abandoned my usual beginning of the year cleanse and managed my drinking around my running. I still wasn't in that bad of shape. I could still run 13.1 miles. The biggest change I noticed was I could drink and run. My main defense against drinking had finally been shattered.

Over the next 6 months I ran, trained (not well) and drank. I didn't feel great but I did it. Telling myself this wasn't so bad. I was less hungover because I couldn't drink "two" bottles of wine and run, so I was only drinking one. I saved the two bottle nights for when I didn't have to get up the next day. My long runs were on Saturday. I would run 15, 16  miles come home and drink for the rest of the day. Sometimes finishing 3 beers shy of an 18 pack. Enjoying the clear, clean buzz I got because I had just purged my body of all the toxins.
The marathon came and went. Not my best time but not my worst. Finally summer was here. I had a marathon under my belt and I could enjoy the summer without the shackles of my strategies. I didn't have to run in the morning if I didn't want too. My long runs were so minor compared to what I had be doing so drinking the night before become a non issue. All the protective coatings I had applied to myself to keep me safe were striped. I no longer had the blue and white rope with egg shaped buoys bobbing on the water, defining the shallow end of the high functioning drunk I have been for so long. Gradually I floated out into the deep end. I knew I was headed there but didn't care. I kept telling myself I needed this, I deserved this. I soon spun everything into drama so it would give me a reason to drink.

It's January 22nd. I have been back in training since Jan 2. Amazingly enough 3 weeks of running my legs held me through the gruelling 13 miles. While I was running I talked to myself about what I had done. Why I had let myself stop running and stop training. I realized it needed to happen. At some point this had to happen. How much longer could I continue to balance alcohol in my life. My husband and I went for a walk Saturday(we haven't done this in forever). He said he has noticed a difference in us and he liked it. I still haven't really talked to him about what I'm going through. I haven't shared with him yet that I can no longer drink.....forever. Bits and pieces have come out but nothing to declare eternal sobriety. But I have noticed we are healing. He joked; "it's probably my tolerance of him that has improved".  In some ways yes, but mostly I feel better, I'm listening, and I have thrown out all the made up drama I held him accountable for. Yesterday, I came home after my race, watched football, drank lots of water, and enjoyed the high you get from running. I woke up this morning feeling a little achy but happy, in love and ready to run again.