Yep, I made it. I really didn't have much doubt I could, only because I have done the one month cleanse before. The hard part is going to be the next 30 days. Outside of 2 Pregnancies, I haven't gone 60 days without drinking since 1985. That is a pretty crazy thing to look at... written down... now public knowledge. Wow, 27 years.....My life is far from wasted but more than a few days are lost from my life due to hangovers and over indulgence.
So I feel like I'm starting all over, this being my true first month of sobriety. It will be the most challenging. I have a few events that are coming up which will really put me to the test. As I progressed through last month I was able to stay sober easily because I was in the comfort and safety of my home and routine. This weekend my family went to the beach and I felt challenged at every turn. There was so much down time and when we were doing something, it was dining at a restaurant or sitting on the beach, or sitting in the hot tub, snuggled in watching movies. Everything that goes well with a glass of wine or a couple bottles as the case may be. I was agitated, grumpy, and miserable. At home when I start to feel that twinge come on I do something, walk, run, clean....blog. OH how I missed my blog. I wanted to write down my feelings so bad. This is a huge outlet for me and a way to process my emotions. Instead I paced and tried to think of things to do. I read two books...."Mommy doesn't drink here anymore" by Racheal Brownell and "The Long Run" by Mishka Shubaly. Both were great books and different paths to sobriety. I contemplated drinking and got close a few times, rationalizing that my husband doesn't know the kind of commitment I have made (hindsight this might be the time to tell him). It boiled down too...I would know, ME, MYSELF and I. I couldn't come back to this blog and celebrate I had been sober 31 days. The disappointment in myself would have been huge. So while I sat at dinner eating my wonderful crab stuffed Halibut, I imagined how exotic a glass of Cabernet would taste with this meal, beating myself with the progression of events that would take place if I have one glass. This actually played out in my mind. Have you ever read "If you give a mouse a cookie"?
This is what is sounds like
If you give me a glass of wine, then I will have to have two. If I have two, then I will have broke the cycle of sobriety. If I have broken the cycle of sobriety then I can stop and get a bottle of wine on the way back to the house. When I stop and get a bottle on the way home I might as well grab 2. But since I have had two glasses already and I stop and buy 2 bottles then I will only finish half of the second one tonight. So I might as well get 3 bottles at the store because I will need a full bottle to go with the half a bottle left over from tonight. And since I'm already planning to drink tomorrow. I might as well get 6 bottles so that I can have 2 for each day we are here since I'm drinking again.
Needless to say....once I got to the store in my head I was done. What a train wreck. Happily I did not drink, maintained my grumpiness and just tried to freaking relax. Drank a lot of ginger ale an milk Sunday and ate way to my onion dip and chips. :)
31 days sober. Relieved I was able to blog today. Ran 4 miles this morning. Making chili for dinner.
AHHH! Home.
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