This is a diary of sorts, sharing my experience through the planning and execution of Sobriety.

If you are interested in my story, I encourage you to start with my begining Blogs






Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Starting to like myself again

My emotions are starting to level out. I feel a kind of peace starting to come together. My life balance pendulum is starting to rock soft and steady in short swings just over the middle. My patience, understanding, and tolerance are becoming more noticeable.

  When I first started writing this blog I was in constant waves of emotion. Everything seemed to be big, and towering over me. I felt like I had nothing under control or everything was beyond my control. My marriage of 17 years seemed in a rut, my kids were stressing me out, my physical being was wrecked and over weight. My emotions were raw and easily irritated. I would drink to mask all of these things which then, would make all these things big again when I woke up the next day. I haven't always been like this, even drinking. My drinking just became in such excess over time...trying to maintain any sort of balance became hard.
In November I was at my wits end with so much and I was acting like a spoiled brat. The alcohol was taking over. Anything that stood in my way and kept me from doing what I wanted to do became and irritant. Unfortunately my husband probably got most of the backlash. Not saying he's an angel but I was the one changing and making up new rules to fit my habits. He just had to go along for the ride. I wasn't drinking all day, but the after effects of drinking every night were there with me all day. If my husband didn't come home in just the right frame of mind I would blow him off because I was drinking. I would let every little thing he did take me over and I would make a mountain out of a mole hill. I would have my defense ready and waiting and I would continue to drink until I didn't hear him anymore.
 Day after day I would poison myself with irritation about what mood he came home in, how he treated my friends,  how he treated the kids, the list can go on and on. It wasn't just with him it was with everything. I was becoming negative, reactive, and judgemental. 3 things I have never been before. I finally didn't like who I was becoming. I wanted the happy Michelle back but I couldn't have that person back until I quit drinking.

I wish I could remember where I read this...someone said "Most people have to reach a state of disgust or disappointment in themselves to truly change" I think that's why some people have to hit rock bottom, loose everything before they realize they need to change. Fortunately my rock bottom wasn't to far down. I'm glad I was able to look in the mirror and finally be disgusted with myself enough to want to change.

Today..... I feel more stable, less volatile. I've noticed that my nights have been more manageable and have a nice flow. I have tolerance and patience back. I'm sleeping better, eating better and  losing weight.

 I'm starting to like myself again.

1 comment:

  1. Hello Michelle, Just checking in on you and I see you are doing great! You should be so proud of yourself, because I know I am proud of you. What you have said here is so true. The alcohol did the same to me. I wrote an article about the alcoholic in the mirror and what I saw was not the guy I knew, so yes it was the time to change my life just as you are. Great job and keep up the good work!!!
    Mark

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