Friendships

Spent the day with a dear friend who I have literally know my whole life. We met when we were 7. I remember being fresh from the corn state and standing in front of the class being introduced to all new people. I was a pretty easy going kid and everyone was a potential playmate, so this wasn't a huge transition for me. As we were gathering our things and I was ready to board the bus my teacher partnered me with a cute, tan, blond haired kid. He was really shy but only lived two houses down from me and would help me get off at the right stop. I don't remember the bus ride home just clips of images as we said goodbye and he watched me walk to my house. 35 years later we are having lunch at Red Robin talking about our plans for the weekend and his up coming birthday.
He has been in my life for what seems like forever. He is more family than friend now and my kids consider him an uncle. He was a devoted friend and we did everything together. Growing up I think I was more his shadow than he ever was mine. He was the kid with all the cool toys and we spent hours at his house, in the fields, and running amuck through the neighborhood. Freedom that sadly my children will never have.
As we grew up, we continued to do everything together, including drinking. I remember the first time we shared a beer. We stole it from the fridge behind the bar at his house. His dad always drank Miller Lite. We snuck the beer out quietly, headed to the front yard around the corner and popped it open. At first we both looked at each other with disgust from the taste, but then the rush of alcohol hit, filling our perfect and untainted bodies with a new kind of euphoria. They say, children who try or taste alcohol at a young age are more likely to become alcoholics......hmm....that's interesting.  We finished that beer and I remember saying lets get another one. My friend said "no, my dad might notice". Even as young as thirteen my brain couldn't just let me have that little bit. I wanted more. So our life in the 80's began. If you have ever watched 16 candles, Breakfast Club, or Valley Girl you would understand the kind of social scene and parties we attended every weekend. This is not an exaggeration. We would go to parties (never quite figured out who's parents would let a hundred teenagers destroy their house every weekend) and we would drink until we puked or passed out. I always had to be home by midnight so we would get an early start at 7:00, find someone to buy us alcohol and we would set out for the night. How we made it home alive was beyond me.
As the years passed we grew up, my life heading towards career, marriage, kids. His stalling out and maintaining a holding pattern just past 1994, but somehow we always met back in the middle with alcohol as our bonding agent. So today, I'm sitting across from him at lunch, me with my tea and him with his beer, talking. The whole time thoughts are pouring into my head about where this relationship is headed. Struggling to find some other commonality. I'm starting to feel agitated and uncomfortable not because he's drinking in front of me, but because I have this feeling of contempt about who we are and why are we still friends. I felt uneasy watching him slowly slip into a nice calming buzz. Time slowing down for him and me getting impatient because I'm struggling to make conversation, when usually the alcohol steers us down roads of old or on some tangent about this or that. I'm trying not to let myself judge or get irritated.  Maybe knowing he needs to stop as much as I do and if he did stop we could meet once again back in the middle.  I'm still not sure where we will end up once he realizes I can no longer be his drinking buddy, I guess we will find out on his Birthday night. I know we will remain family, too many years have passed for that to change. I may be speculating in a negative light. He may be fine and not care one smidgen about my new sobriety. I guess the problem is stemming for from me. Why can't I just accept who he is and the differences in our lives. Isn't that what I'm expecting him to do for me?