Day 19

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other”

-Abraham Lincoln

The book I'm reading is okay. We definitely have a shared path. Reading about her early adventures with alcohol hit home causing me to reflect on my own past and wince in horror at some of the things I've done and positions I had put myself into. I can only thank god that my life turned out as well as it did in spite of a multitude of bad choices. I think I'm still lying to myself about what and who I was with Alcohol. Every book talks about being honest and telling everyone the truth most especially yourself. I openly admit I have a problem, just not to everyone. But to the ones that are helping me.  I'm not telling people to give myself an out if I suddenly fall off the wagon, it's more I don't want pity or the badge branded across me. I guess I'm afraid I won't look like the shinny star, the girl that can some how manage to do so much I've been for so long. I don't want people to look at me and start putting two and two together and say to themselves "Ah, now that totally makes sense". I don't think I'm lying to myself as much as hiding behind a huge wall that is my EGO. I can also be hugely critical of others which is a trait I wish I could get rid of. So my critical self Ego is telling me others are going to judge me, make me wear a Scarlet shirt with a big fat "A" for alcoholic, and watch me under a microscope to see if I fail. And if for some reason I did relapse then I become another black slash on the Alcohol statistic chart. I guess that is the real motivation, isn't it. Not give anyone the opportunity to do this. But then am I quitting because I want too or now because I'm afraid to publicly look like a failure, which alcohol has already done.

So, back to quote above. The only person that matters to my success is me. I'm the only one who can make this work, feel confident in who I am, and be resolute to change. I need to feel comfortable that others might judge me but most will help me.